Saturday, October 8, 2011

So he laid his wiener on it

No matter where you come from; Another town, county, state, or country, you've got your own language that you expect everyone else that wanders into it to understand. It became obvious to me this evening that the language changes over time, and if you weren't there when it happened the conversation can seem downright foreign.

"Hell no! You should have heard him. He thought he stabbed a fat sow in the ass!"

What? What in the hell are you talking about? 

"So are you rubbin' wieners with that guy or what's the deal?"
That's right, there are no safe images for this statement. 

Jesus. This can't be good. 

"Well, he laid his wiener on that wagon."

Still unsafe. WTF is up with the wieners?

Excuse me? He what? Does Mom know about this?

And this is how it is when I go home. The conversations start out normal enough, but before long I am sitting in the backseat of someones vehicle looking to the other females to confirm that we've all just heard the same exchange. Generally my sister is giggling and nodding her confirmation of the story, and to the other side my mother is smothering a smile and wondering why the men in her world can't say things without using terms that  sound so dirty. 

I let a few cocktails sink in tonight before I had heard enough and wanted to get some explanation. While I usually have a fairly adequate master of the English language, I'd be hard pressed to decide whether these should be euphemisms or colloquialisms (help a girl out here). Regardless, I had to ask. 

Me: "So now what exactly does stabbing a fat sow in the ass do?"

The locals (fam): "It means they did well. It was great."

Me: "Yeah, I get that from the story, but what happens when you stab a fat sow in the ass? What do you get from it?"

Locals: "Oh you get a nice ham." 

Now that we have that one out of the way, let's address tonight's two others that earned top honors in the "what the hell did they just say" department. 

Rubbin' wieners with: This is a term used to describe a relationship between two people that is mutually beneficial. It is not actually sexual at all. You're rubbin' wieners with the guy down the road when you agree to let him graze his cattle in your pasture as long as you get to borrow his bull when it's time to breed your heifers. 

Laid his wiener on: When I was a freshman in high school and my brother was a senior, he had lunch 15 minutes after me. As my class was sitting down to lunch, his class would be entering the cafeteria line. I recall my brother stepping out of his line and approaching my table, taking the chicken nuggets off my tray, licking them, and putting them back down. He KNEW once he licked them that there was no way I would eat them, thus guaranteeing himself extra chicken nuggets for lunch. He had "laid his wiener on" my lunch. 

We all have colloquialisms, aphorisms, and euphemisms that are unique to our crowd or region. What are your most colorful and indecent? I'm all about learning foreign languages! It's not to late. Tell me whatcha' got! 


Kaloo5 said...

Hahaha, I love this post.
I once had a friend ask me if I was "bumping ugly this weekend".
At first I didn't know what he meant. Turns out if you're taking a less than attractive girl out for the night, it's usually not somewhere very public and it's called 'bumping ugly'.
Crude, rude, and very accurate :)

Jen said...

My dad used to descibe slutty girls as "horny as a ten-peckered owl". Disturbing in and of itself but the heebie-jeebie factor cranks up to 11 when spoken by one'sparent.

Diana Burfield (BettyShmetty) said...

LOVE the title to this post...Girl, you are too much!! LOL!
One of these days, I'd like to know what search terms people use to find your they are doozies!

Gorilla Bananas said...

There are too many to count in my neighbourhood. "Riding a crocodile" can either mean doing something dangerous and exciting or having sex with someone ugly. Context is everything.

RCB said...

Someone said, "Would you like to taste some of my delicious spotted dick?" And she was a woman, too - a friend of a friend's at the first friend's house.

Juliette said...

Stabbing a fat sow in the ass! I didn't, for one minute, think it meant getting some nice ham.
"I'm on it like a tramp on chips" is a particular favourite colloquialism of mine.

Azra said...

Hahaha, this is excellent. Well my cousin (the same one with a karaoke box in his head, singing every song to me on that long road home from our weekend away) - yeah him - calls everything thats abolsutely awesome "Vuil" (pronounced "fail"). It's an Afrikaans word meaning "dirty". And they also pioneered the word "hond" - as in "Steve Carrell is the hond" - also Afrikaans meaning "Dog" or more colloquially accurate "dawg"... also used for people and things they really like. Gosh there are so many, I could be here all day :D

wagthedad said...

Where do you go when you go home? Wisconsin? Canada? I have never heard any of this craziness.

Angie said...

In the US bumping uglies means having sex in general. LOL

We have something very similar except our's is a 10 peckered billy goat!

It's the best use of my creative writing education... grab them with something! (Except your hands... never know where they've been)

Riding a crocodile... I am going to have to try to use that one!

I don't think it counts if she was offering you pudding! Well, unless of course by pudding she meant... well something other than pudding! :p

I have the best time trying to decipher the colloquialisms of my friends in the UK. Amazing that there can be as many as the US in less than 1/2 the space! :) PS... like a whore on chips is ALSO going on my list of phrases to try out this week.

It boggles the mind doesn't it!? When you first hear one you actually have to take a mental break to make sure you understood. Sometimes they are absolutely hilarious and other times you just shake your head. LOL

It's Iowa. Need I say more?

Paula said...

I will be laying my weiner on everything from this day forward!

Angie said...

LOL Paula if you do I want to see a picture of THAT

RCB said...

Well, I declined in a friendly way. To this day I'm not sure if she was offering me pudding. Would have been shocking, though, to find s/he had something else in store. Then again, it would've given me something to write about.

My Zimbio
Top Stories