What? What in the hell are you talking about?
"So are you rubbin' wieners with that guy or what's the deal?"
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Jesus. This can't be good.
Excuse me? He what? Does Mom know about this?
And this is how it is when I go home. The conversations start out normal enough, but before long I am sitting in the backseat of someones vehicle looking to the other females to confirm that we've all just heard the same exchange. Generally my sister is giggling and nodding her confirmation of the story, and to the other side my mother is smothering a smile and wondering why the men in her world can't say things without using terms that sound so dirty.
I let a few cocktails sink in tonight before I had heard enough and wanted to get some explanation. While I usually have a fairly adequate master of the English language, I'd be hard pressed to decide whether these should be euphemisms or colloquialisms (help a girl out here). Regardless, I had to ask.
Me: "So now what exactly does stabbing a fat sow in the ass do?"
The locals (fam): "It means they did well. It was great."
Me: "Yeah, I get that from the story, but what happens when you stab a fat sow in the ass? What do you get from it?"
Locals: "Oh you get a nice ham."
Now that we have that one out of the way, let's address tonight's two others that earned top honors in the "what the hell did they just say" department.
Rubbin' wieners with: This is a term used to describe a relationship between two people that is mutually beneficial. It is not actually sexual at all. You're rubbin' wieners with the guy down the road when you agree to let him graze his cattle in your pasture as long as you get to borrow his bull when it's time to breed your heifers.
Laid his wiener on: When I was a freshman in high school and my brother was a senior, he had lunch 15 minutes after me. As my class was sitting down to lunch, his class would be entering the cafeteria line. I recall my brother stepping out of his line and approaching my table, taking the chicken nuggets off my tray, licking them, and putting them back down. He KNEW once he licked them that there was no way I would eat them, thus guaranteeing himself extra chicken nuggets for lunch. He had "laid his wiener on" my lunch.
We all have colloquialisms, aphorisms, and euphemisms that are unique to our crowd or region. What are your most colorful and indecent? I'm all about learning foreign languages! It's not to late. Tell me whatcha' got!