Where was I? Oh yeah, this smiling thing I do... Sometimes it's just a way to cover up the fact that my inside voice is a bourbon swilling, three pack a day smoking, under-sexed madam from the wild west. It would be socially unacceptable to say 90% of what I think. If you know me at all you must be wondering what I've been holding back. So, here are a few things my inside voice has said just today, followed by what I actually said.
1. Bitch that had better not be the last chocolate frosted doughnut in the case. It's a gas station you twat. I want one. You want three dozen. Go to a f*cking bakery. If jail didn't scare me I would cut you in the parking lot.
Actually said: No, go ahead. You were there first. (smile)
2. WH*RE! (same lady.. . she took the doughnut OBVIOUSLY)
Actually said: (nothing, because the greedy bag just let the door to the case slam shut as she waddled to the counter)
3. Helloooooo sexy. You go ahead and go in front of me. I don't mind standing back here looking at your behind one bit. No, I certainly do not. I wonder what he does. Traveling salesman? I'd buy whatever it is. Twice.
Actually said: Please, go ahead. I'm in no rush.
4. No, I can't help you. Do you know why, precious? Because you're stupid. Because you don't write shit down. Because I hate you.
Actually said: Of course I can help!
5. I should have chosen alcoholism. I chose celibacy? This is ridiculous. I could be drunk AND whorish. Wrong choice, Angie. WRONG.FREAKING.CHOICE!
Actually said: I don't really feel like going out tonight. I have to be up early tomorrow.
6. Listening to you makes me want to stab myself in the eardrums with an ice pick... or cut out your vocal cords.
Actually said: Interesting. (smile)
I would like to thank my mother for teaching me that if I don't have anything nice to say I should say nothing at all, the business world for giving me the skills to pretend to care, and the internet for giving me a place to let my inside voice say all the dirty bitch whore things it holds back all day.