Wednesday, October 26, 2011

My inside voice is socially unacceptable

If you were to meet me in the grocery store you might think, "Well, she's pleasant!" You might even say something to the person you're with... like, "That was nice. No one seems to smile anymore."  I might have actually meant to smile at you. I'm pleasant that way. Smiling never killed anyone. You're probably thinking about situations where smiling might get you killed. While being robbed, held hostage, when dealing with the mafia, etc., but in those cases your ass was dead anyway. Get over it. 


Where was I? Oh yeah, this smiling thing I do... Sometimes it's just a way to cover up the fact that my inside voice is a bourbon swilling, three pack a day smoking, under-sexed madam from the wild west. It would be  socially unacceptable to say 90% of what I think. If you know me at all you must be wondering what I've been holding back. So, here are a few things my inside voice has said just today, followed by what I actually said. 

1. Bitch that had better not be the last chocolate frosted doughnut in the case. It's a gas station you twat. I want one. You want three dozen.  Go to a f*cking bakery. If jail didn't scare me I would cut you in the parking lot.

Actually said: No, go ahead. You were there first. (smile) 

2. WH*RE! (same lady.. . she took the doughnut OBVIOUSLY)

Actually said: (nothing, because the greedy bag just let the door to the case slam shut as she waddled to the counter)

3. Helloooooo sexy. You go ahead and go in front of me. I don't mind standing back here looking at your behind one bit. No, I certainly do not. I wonder what he does. Traveling salesman? I'd buy whatever it is. Twice.

Actually said: Please, go ahead. I'm in no rush. 

4. No, I can't help you. Do you know why, precious? Because you're stupid. Because you don't write shit down. Because I hate you.

Actually said: Of course I can help! 

5. I should have chosen alcoholism. I chose celibacy? This is ridiculous. I could be drunk AND whorish. Wrong choice, Angie. WRONG.FREAKING.CHOICE!

Actually said: I don't really feel like going out tonight. I have to be up early tomorrow.

6. Listening to you makes me want to stab myself in the eardrums with an ice pick... or cut out your vocal cords.

Actually said: Interesting. (smile) 


I would like to thank my mother for teaching me that if I don't have anything nice to say I should say nothing at all, the business world for giving me the skills to pretend to care, and the internet for giving me a place to let my inside voice say all the dirty bitch whore things it holds back all day. 

14 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Suppose the sexy man refused to go ahead of you, saying he was a gentleman who believed that ladies should go first? Would you let him check out your tush?

Angie said...

Well, GB dear... you cannot prevent someone from staring at your tush if they really want to, right? Of course I'd let him! I'm all for equality. LOL

Jen said...

FAVORITE JOKE THIS REMINDS ME OF:
Two old friends run into one another at the store.
#1: Do you see this fur coat? My sweetie bought me this fur coat and it was horribly expensive!
#2:" That's nice...that's real nice.
#1: And my ring? 4 karats! My sweetie bought that for me too!
#2: That's nice...that's real nice.
#1: And did you see my car? Top of the line. My sweetie bought it for me- spared no expense.
#2: That's nice...that's real nice.
#1: So, what did your sweetie buy for you?
#2: My sweetie bought me charm school lessons. Now, instead of saying "Fuck you, bitch!" I say, "That's nice...that's real nice."

Angie said...

Jen,
THAT is priceless. I love it! LOL Thanks!

Steve Bailey said...

My comment- Your inside voice is awful... and actually quite rude....
You might want to have that checked.

MY inside voice- That shit was freekin hilarious!!!

mark @ yelling near you said...

You're so polite. My wife lets the inside voice out often, usually while I'm driving and she's letting the other drivers know how bad their driving is.

ipenka said...

Haha, first comment here but really liked #1 & #6.

#6 is worse when there is no one else in the vicinity to help you.

Miss Sassy Pants said...

Oooh I have these moments all the time. Especially at work.

What my coworker says: "Oh sorry, I made a mistake."

What I think: "What the fuck else is new. You fuck EVEEERYTHING up."

What I say: "Oh that's fine, everyone makes mistakes."

Ugh, people suck.

Angie said...

Steve,
My Dr. said as long as I don't hold conversations between my inside and outside voices I'm ok!

Mark,
Even when my facial expression shows my inside personality I don't verbalize it much. Even in the car I mouth the dirty words at the drivers.

Ipenka,
I know! If I could get someone to help me cut someone's vocal cords I'd probably make it through more days without a clenched jaw!

Sassy,
I feel bad about lying to people when I say that. "Oh we all make mistakes" what I mean is "The first two times I was okay with it. Now you're just a moron. Be gone!"

RCB said...

I'm sure you are are the nicest person ever. (I actually wrote, 'I'm sure you are... the nicest person ever.')
:)
Just quit the smoking, will ya?

Angie said...

RCB,
It's a never ending battle. I quit. I start. I quit. I start. It's mostly a 5 pound battle.

Azra said...

LOL Angie. I'm also one of the smiley people out and about. Even on a bad day... it's a good thing we don't wear our thoughts on our sleeves ;)

Domenick said...

I dunno. I was always taught that if you didn't have anything nice to say, it was probably the other person's fault.

Which might explain why my parents have so few friends.

And all this talk of smoking has me hankerin' for a cigarette, despite the fact that it's been over a year since I quit. Sigh.

Angie said...

Dammit Domenick! If I can't have one neither can you!

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