Sunday, October 2, 2011

Ladies- Man Hunting 101

Since the beginning of time, or sometime in the last one hundred years, men have been bound by laws that prevent them from expressing themselves through the killing of animals on a daily basis. These rare events where expression is allowed have come to be known as "hunting season".

Near my home is a small lake that is home to many of our illegal Canadian immigrants (geese). Every year they brave the air currents and travel great distances (not really) to take up summer residence in our lake. Given the fact that they don't even go all the way home, I have to assume they are persecuted in their country of origin. Perhaps that explains their bad attitudes. They refuse to mingle with the many varieties of ducks that also make their homes on the shore. They use our walking trails as toilets. Would you believe they also hiss at us when we dare to walk past? Well, they do.

This morning I woke to the sound of what was quite possibly the largest flock of geese in the world. It took a full five minutes for the cacophony of honking to end. To be honest, I think they may have suspected I was going to write this and plotted a sneak attack on my home. I am too frightened to go outside and look at my yard or sidewalk. There's a good chance they bombed my property.

Nevertheless, aside from wondering if I can petition to have an open season declared on my tormentors, I want to talk to you about hunting season in the Midwest, particularly South Dakota. Our state bird is the pheasant. This is the only state bird that I am aware of that is actually raised in a false wild setting in order to provide greater pleasure to people with guns. This is not to say some pheasants aren't truly and organically wild, they are, but in order to maintain a good healthy population of quarry for our local and tourist hunters some people raise them in netted fields to be released during the season.

You can imagine that having such a large quantity of birds to kill draws many a hunter to our state. Opening day for out of state hunters is quite a production around here. The airport is filled with vendors who will cater to the needs of these brave gun toting tourists. Freebies are given away by the bag full. It leads me to wonder if these gents all pile into their rented transport and trek off to their suites at the Sheraton to sit in a campfire like circle and compare their SWAG with the other boys. "Ooooh, Bob look what I got! Free siting service from Gary's Gun Shop! Is that the 2012 Pheasants Forever calendar? Trade me!"

It seems to me that there are many single women who would benefit from being at the airport when the hunters first step off the plane. If a man can afford the God awful prices of flying into a regional airport such as our own, he can certainly afford dinner, right? If a girl is looking for a real man's man... this would be a perfect place to stalk her prey.

As some of you might know, pheasant can be pretty gamey in flavor if it's cooked improperly. While there are many ways to avoid this, slow cooking in a cream soup concoction seems to be the most convenient method. Keep this info in mind. You will need it. Ladies, play it cool. There is no need to wrap your legs around the first hunter to pass you in the airport. Here's what you need to do.

Listen closely to their conversations. Where are they staying? What are their plans for the weekend. If you cannot get a fix on their location, it might be necessary to get in your vehicle and follow from a safe distance. You don't want to spook them. Make a note of which hotel they are returning to after sundown. While they are out killing God's creatures, you will be preparing your own hunting gear. It will include the following:

1. Revealing top.
2. Tight jeans.
3. How To Cook Wild Game cookbook 
4. 1 can of Cream of Mushroom soup

When your prey returns from a long day of frolicking with his buddies, he will likely shower up and get ready to head out on the town. Be on your toes. This is serious business. After gorging themselves on local steaks and brews, they are slower. This will be to your advantage. Present yourself from a distance. Unlike the bird world, human females tend to be able to attract with their plumage a little better. Your plumage (boobs) should serve you well. Make eye contact. To ensure that you've got his attention, make certain that your cookbook is peeking just above the top of your purse. He needs to know you know what to do with a dead bird. Cooking is sexy.

You will be required to flirt a little. There might be other hunters after your bird, if you know what I mean. Draw him in. Bat your eyelashes. Make small talk. Show promise of hot meals. Tell him all about how your daddy hunts too. Dazzle him with your smile. Gently stroke his arm while you talk about his big gun and whether or not he bagged his daily limit. Remember your goal is to bag yours.

If all else fails and your prey decides to turn tail... take that can of soup out of your purse and throw it at his head. With practice you can knock him out cold and drag him home. Sure, it might just be a weekend, but if the hunting is good for both seasons he might just come back next year.


Anonymous said...

meet you at the airport at noon. I will be the one in the orange vest and camouflage hat.

RCB said...

Hi there, stranger. I don't know much about geese, except for this: I think it was last year when I caught a flock of geese on top of my car. As a approached, all of them but one fled. Now this goose, a big guy, just looked at me like the freaking car was his. 'What do you want?' And, of course, before he too found the wisdom to escape, he used the roof of my car as his private toilet. Thank you! Next!

Left Coast Guy said...

Wow, I always wondered why those gals in the bar had a can of Cream of Mushroom in their purse. The things you learn as a blogger. Wonder why no one took aim...hmmmm...


hmr59 said...

You forgot the caveat, Ang...more than a few of these brave hunters (as is also true for a number of Harley "biker dudes" and NASCAR enthusiasts - not generalizing, but...), use their "hobby" as active compensation - the bigger the gun, the louder the exhaust pipes, the smaller the...well, anyway... :D

Paula said...

When I was growing up we got an entire week off school during Thanksgiving because so many kids went hunting that no one would show up so they planned the school year around hunting season.

Linda Medrano said...

This is amazing and delightful. I'm keeping it all in mind too if I ever decide to go get a hunter. Actually, higher on my list of potential husbands are Chinese contractors. My list is a little like yours, but I find them at the Home Depot. And I have a can of wonton soup in my bag.

wagthedad said...

hot damn, I think I'm goin' huntin' in SD this year. You say they have women in halter tops who can COOK? dammit, I'm there, Angie. Can I crash on your couch?

And do I have to be intoxicated while hunting, or can I shoot sober and get drunk later?

Angie said...

I was the one with the long hair and the trench coat over absolutely nothing else. Sorry we missed each other.

Geese are quite possibly the meanest birds even known to have been domesticated. Even the domesticated ones are mean!

Perhaps you weren't wearing the proper pheromones? Men in tree stands wear deer pee for some reason. Did you try getting some pee on yourself?

hahaha point taken! I'll holster my cream of mushroom soup and look for someone with an average sized weapon? Is that right? hmmmm

That might not be a bad idea around here. The tourist hunting here usually happens on long weekends. Of course if you're man hunting and looking to get out of the state... you want to hunt a tourist. :)

I snagged a Japanese guy by hitting him with a rice cooker and one Vietnamese guy with a bowl of Pho. Dated each for multiple years. When I tried to get away they tried to knock me out by throwing pickled herring and lutefisk at me.

You can take the spare room. I am not bailing you out of jail. You will want to wait to drink until you're done for the day. If you piss the group off you want to be sober enough to run in a zig zag pattern.

Azra said...

Incidentally, some SA men (particularly from Cape Town) will refer to a woman as a "Goose" lol.

Speaking of which, I'm clearly in the wrong country Angie...otherwise I'd have been huntin the hunters ;D

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