Near my home is a small lake that is home to many of our illegal Canadian immigrants (geese). Every year they brave the air currents and travel great distances (not really) to take up summer residence in our lake. Given the fact that they don't even go all the way home, I have to assume they are persecuted in their country of origin. Perhaps that explains their bad attitudes. They refuse to mingle with the many varieties of ducks that also make their homes on the shore. They use our walking trails as toilets. Would you believe they also hiss at us when we dare to walk past? Well, they do.
This morning I woke to the sound of what was quite possibly the largest flock of geese in the world. It took a full five minutes for the cacophony of honking to end. To be honest, I think they may have suspected I was going to write this and plotted a sneak attack on my home. I am too frightened to go outside and look at my yard or sidewalk. There's a good chance they bombed my property.
Nevertheless, aside from wondering if I can petition to have an open season declared on my tormentors, I want to talk to you about hunting season in the Midwest, particularly South Dakota. Our state bird is the pheasant. This is the only state bird that I am aware of that is actually raised in a false wild setting in order to provide greater pleasure to people with guns. This is not to say some pheasants aren't truly and organically wild, they are, but in order to maintain a good healthy population of quarry for our local and tourist hunters some people raise them in netted fields to be released during the season.
You can imagine that having such a large quantity of birds to kill draws many a hunter to our state. Opening day for out of state hunters is quite a production around here. The airport is filled with vendors who will cater to the needs of these brave gun toting tourists. Freebies are given away by the bag full. It leads me to wonder if these gents all pile into their rented transport and trek off to their suites at the Sheraton to sit in a campfire like circle and compare their SWAG with the other boys. "Ooooh, Bob look what I got! Free siting service from Gary's Gun Shop! Is that the 2012 Pheasants Forever calendar? Trade me!"
It seems to me that there are many single women who would benefit from being at the airport when the hunters first step off the plane. If a man can afford the God awful prices of flying into a regional airport such as our own, he can certainly afford dinner, right? If a girl is looking for a real man's man... this would be a perfect place to stalk her prey.
As some of you might know, pheasant can be pretty gamey in flavor if it's cooked improperly. While there are many ways to avoid this, slow cooking in a cream soup concoction seems to be the most convenient method. Keep this info in mind. You will need it. Ladies, play it cool. There is no need to wrap your legs around the first hunter to pass you in the airport. Here's what you need to do.
Listen closely to their conversations. Where are they staying? What are their plans for the weekend. If you cannot get a fix on their location, it might be necessary to get in your vehicle and follow from a safe distance. You don't want to spook them. Make a note of which hotel they are returning to after sundown. While they are out killing God's creatures, you will be preparing your own hunting gear. It will include the following:
1. Revealing top.
2. Tight jeans.
3. How To Cook Wild Game cookbook
4. 1 can of Cream of Mushroom soup
When your prey returns from a long day of frolicking with his buddies, he will likely shower up and get ready to head out on the town. Be on your toes. This is serious business. After gorging themselves on local steaks and brews, they are slower. This will be to your advantage. Present yourself from a distance. Unlike the bird world, human females tend to be able to attract with their plumage a little better. Your plumage (boobs) should serve you well. Make eye contact. To ensure that you've got his attention, make certain that your cookbook is peeking just above the top of your purse. He needs to know you know what to do with a dead bird. Cooking is sexy.
You will be required to flirt a little. There might be other hunters after your bird, if you know what I mean. Draw him in. Bat your eyelashes. Make small talk. Show promise of hot meals. Tell him all about how your daddy hunts too. Dazzle him with your smile. Gently stroke his arm while you talk about his big gun and whether or not he bagged his daily limit. Remember your goal is to bag yours.
If all else fails and your prey decides to turn tail... take that can of soup out of your purse and throw it at his head. With practice you can knock him out cold and drag him home. Sure, it might just be a weekend, but if the hunting is good for both seasons he might just come back next year.