Knighthood led to Oregon Trail which led to Mousehunt. I've also been Owned, Interested, collected stickers, buttons, flair, played Mahjong, and belonged to a Mafia and a Mob. They were all okay for awhile, but nothing was quite like Farmville. What I am about to tell you is not for those with weak stomachs. Let's add one more vile, disgusting, cringe-worthy admission to my growing list of truths.
I was addicted to Farmville.
You might not think it's a real addiction, yet I can tell you first hand the similarities are quite striking. It started out as a promise to kick my friend David's ass in less than a month. He'd been playing awhile and was apparently quite good. I thought it was stupid and avoided it as long as possible. When I started I blocked the game from posting anything to my wall. I didn't want anyone to know I was playing. I wasn't a Farmville nerd. I was simply trying to prove a point. Duh.
By the time it was all said and done, I didn't care who knew I was playing. I was sneaking a plow in at the office, telling my kids I was going to take a little "nap", and making excuses not to go out. One night I set my alarm for 3 AM so I could get up and harvest a bumper crop of square melons. Hell, if there was someone giving out FVcash for sexual favors I'd have been all "Heyyyy baby, come on over here. I'll ____ your _____ for $25 FV Cash. Come on. I just need a little. Pleaseeee." But no one carries FV cash, right? Seriously... right? I mean it's not like I want any or anything. (twitch)
I bought $25 worth of FV Cash
I became that fake farmer I had been making fun of only a month before. I secretly loathed other Farmville players who had cluttered farms. If your farm was poorly set up I just harvested your trees, and got the hell out. I would sit and think to myself, "This idiot needs to learn to use the fences. This place is a hole. It looks like Noah's Ark vomited livestock all over the damn place and it takes for f*cking ever to load. Jesus wept. I hate this farm."
If you didn't help me with a project you could just consider your request for help right up there on the top of my list of shit to never do. People who repeatedly sent me crappy stuff got the bottom of the barrel gifts that you unlock just by having a farm. "Pile of leaves anyone? Yeah that's right, bitch. You are getting the leaves. Thanks for the f*cking watering can. Here's a rusty nail for ya. I hope your crops wither."
Then one day you find yourself alone in your addiction. It's not enough anymore to just play the game. You start sending invites to your friends. "You should play. It's pretty fun actually. I didn't think I would like it at first, but it's really cool. You should just get a farm. I'll help you. I'll send you stuff. Even if you don't want to actually play can you please just get a farm so I can add you as a neighbor? You won't have to do anything. Listen, don't tell anyone this, but I can get you things. There's a rainbow chicken that costs real money. I'll get it for you."
After months of downward spiraling, late night harvests, and ridiculous discussions that would have had me committed to a padded room 15 years ago... I received a call from my step-mom that went something like this, "You're never going to level up that way. The cost of your seeds vs. the amount of time they take to harvest is a waste. I finished the grapes you needed on that Co-Op job you opened. Oh and I harvested your chickens." That's right... she said she harvested my chickens. At that moment I realized what I had become. You don't harvest livestock.
So while some of you absorb that bit of information... I'll leave you with this: