Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I'll ___ your ___ for FV Cash! (No, I won't)

When I was first asked if I had a Facebook page I thought, "WTF? Are you twelve?" My boss, however, was insistent that I join Facebook and while I was at it, that I should join his "kingdom". It was slow at work back then (between projects), and when your boss says you need to get a Facebook page and that you're required to spend your time building his fake kingdom you do it. That's how it all started... and it was GOOD! Well, it was good for awhile.


Knighthood led to Oregon Trail which led to Mousehunt. I've also been Owned, Interested, collected stickers, buttons, flair, played Mahjong, and belonged to a Mafia and a Mob. They were all okay for awhile, but nothing was quite like Farmville. What I am about to tell you is not for those with weak stomachs. Let's add one more vile, disgusting, cringe-worthy admission to my growing list of truths.


I was addicted to Farmville. 

You might not think it's a real addiction, yet I can tell you first hand the similarities are quite striking. It started out as a promise to kick my friend David's ass in less than a month. He'd been playing awhile and was apparently quite good. I thought it was stupid and avoided it as long as possible. When I started I blocked the game from posting anything to my wall. I didn't want anyone to know I was playing. I wasn't a Farmville nerd. I was simply trying to prove a point. Duh.

By the time it was all said and done, I didn't care who knew I was playing. I was sneaking a plow in at the office, telling my kids I was going to take a little "nap", and making excuses not to go out. One night I set my alarm for 3 AM so I could get up and harvest a bumper crop of square melons. Hell, if there was someone giving out FVcash for sexual favors I'd have been all "Heyyyy baby, come on over here. I'll ____ your _____ for $25 FV Cash. Come on. I just need a little. Pleaseeee." But no one carries FV cash, right? Seriously... right? I mean it's not like I want any or anything. (twitch)


I bought $25 worth of FV Cash one time three times because I bought that damn crop duster plane. That was all good and fine, but they fail to explain to you that you have to use FV Cash to fly the damn thing. I also had friends that played and I wanted them all to have the fancy trees you have to use real money to send. If people send you something nice you want to be able to send something nice back, right? Of course you do. We're not animals (I mean in Farmville you can buy a costume that will make you look like a duck or whatever but you're still not REALLY an animal).


I became that fake farmer I had been making fun of only a month before. I secretly loathed other Farmville players who had cluttered farms. If your farm was poorly set up I just harvested your trees, and got the hell out. I would sit and think to myself, "This idiot needs to learn to use the fences. This place is a hole. It looks like Noah's Ark vomited livestock all over the damn place and it takes for f*cking ever to load. Jesus wept. I hate this farm." 

If you didn't help me with a project you could just consider your request for help right up there on the top of my list of shit to never do. People who repeatedly sent me crappy stuff got the bottom of the barrel gifts that you unlock just by having a farm. "Pile of leaves anyone? Yeah that's right, bitch. You are getting the leaves. Thanks for the f*cking watering can. Here's a rusty nail for ya. I hope your crops wither." 

Then one day you find yourself alone in your addiction. It's not enough anymore to just play the game. You start sending invites to your friends. "You should play. It's pretty fun actually. I didn't think I would like it at first, but it's really cool. You should just get a farm. I'll help you. I'll send you stuff. Even if you don't want to actually play can you please just get a farm so I can add you as a neighbor? You won't have to do anything. Listen, don't tell anyone this, but I can get you things. There's a rainbow chicken that costs real money. I'll get it for you." 

After months of downward spiraling, late night harvests, and ridiculous discussions that would have had me committed to a padded room 15 years ago... I received a call from my step-mom that went something like this, "You're never going to level up that way. The cost of your seeds vs. the amount of time they take to harvest is a waste. I finished the grapes you needed on that Co-Op job you opened. Oh and I harvested your chickens." That's right... she said she harvested my chickens. At that moment I realized what I had become. You don't harvest livestock.

YOU.DO.NOT.HARVEST.LIVESTOCK. 

So while some of you absorb that bit of information... I'll leave you with this:





17 comments:

Paula said...

This is exactly why I never started playing those games! haha

Angie said...

Paula,
I've got a terribly addictive personality. Obviously I should avoid them as well. haha

Crystal said...

I'm hooked on the Farm too. I haven't played in awhile since school takes up the bulk of my time but I feel the same about others farms when they are placed willy nilly - organize folks!! and I won't tell you how uch real money I've spent on that damn farm!!! I think I could have paid some of my tuition with it...okay maybe not that much but enough to make me cringe when I see the credit card statement!

Jen said...

I never understood FV and the only Oregon Trail game I remember was the old school computer "You Have Died of Dysentery" game we played in elementary school. Facebook is whack, yo!

PS: My Word Verification word is Palin. WTF?

indonesian batik said...

yes, i play this game too.very fun to play in this game.

Angie said...

Crystal,
It just got to be too much to keep up with. How sad is that? LOL

Jen,
On the FB version of Oregon Trail if I didn't like someone who joined my wagon train I would let them die of dysentery on purposes. I'm bitchy like that! :)

Indonesian,
If I had known, I'd have given you my stuff when I quit! :)

mark @ yelling near you said...

I still haven't gotten around to getting a Facebook account. That might not be an accident. I need fewer things to distract me and addict me. There are multiple demonstrated instances where I cracked out on a game for unhealthy and unwise amounts of time.

Angie said...

Mark,
I stopped playing the FB games and just play Angry Birds on Google Chrome now. It's as addictive but you don't have to go back and check it at set times. :D

Domenick said...

Oh my God, this is seven kinds of awesome.

"Pile of leaves anyone? Yeah that's right, bitch. You are getting the leaves. Thanks for the f*cking watering can. Here's a rusty nail for ya. I hope your crops wither."

Seriously, reading this post made my crappy day exponentially better. And made me feel a bit more relaxed about my addiction to that movie trivia game on FB.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Hahaha! That's hilarious. I never played any of those games, but I could definitely see how addicted people were getting. That's insane! I remember my old boss was addicted to Mafia Wars. :P

I had a similar addiction to SIMS (regular computer game, not fb version). I do agree, it goes beyond playing for mere pleasure and simply playing because you HAVE TO. Ugh.

There should be rehab for that shit.

Fred Miller said...

I just keep a real garden. Potatoes, green beans. And a real vineyard. Grapes. You harvest it only once a year. Got a friend who grows real pot.

Becca (aka SMC) said...

oh gurl.... i feel your pain! Yoville recovering adict right here

notactuallygod said...

Take heart, Ange. The first step in beating any addiction is admitting you have a problem.

Linda Medrano said...

I am really relieved that I am far too dumb to even understand in the first place what any of these games are. I would be an addict too, if I played them. So I leave it all alone because I'm stupid. And that's fine with me.

Angie said...

Jennifer,
The best way to avoid it is to never start! I have all apps blocked on my Facebook account now so I am never tempted!

Fred,
I'm going to grow a garden one day. Bucket gardening! Tomatoes, green beans, peas, pot, etc. :p

Becca,
I was once asked to join SecondLife. I was almost tempted because I thought, "Shit, it's got to be better than this one I've already f*cked up!" Fortunately my computer at the time wasn't powerful enough!

NAG,
HELP ME I HAVE A PROBLEM! If you were actually God, I would ask for a lot of stuff. Curing a past FV addiction wouldn't be anywhere close to the top of the list. :)

Linda,
I really prefer just having some wine and wondering where the grapes are from now instead of how many farmville hours it would take me to make the same wine but not be able to really drink it.

Azra said...

Hahaha. SO I am often invited to join Farmville, but I'm thought that I really don't need another addiction. Have you ever been invited to slay vampires?

Angie said...

Azra,
I have! I played for 1 day then quit. I also played a Fairies game and one where I was a pirate and one where I had a restaurant. LOL

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