Thursday, October 20, 2011

Helping You Choose a Vanity Plate: I'm thoughtful like that

I have a documented case of road rage. Since I'm all about outing my poor behavior there is no reason to let this one remain closeted. I am the bitch behind you flipping you off when you get in my lane and then slow down for no reason. The lady who is angrily mouthing "WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH  YOU?" that's me again. Several times a week I have the urge to follow some idiot into the parking lot they've entered so that I can explain to them why they should ____ off and die. At times I wonder if my rage would dissipate if I actually followed through.

Driving surrounded by idiots does have it's good points though. If I were able to get where I need to go in a speedy manner without having to wonder if the guy in front of me is a really bad driver or merely drunk and dangerous, I might never see or pay attention to some of the awesome vanity plates out there on the road. If you're not familiar with these, a vanity plate is a license plate (tag) that you can pay the state to let  you customize with your own letters and numbers.

Two days ago while driving home from work, I was stuck behind a minivan with DRGNLVR on it's tags. Being the highly intelligent person that I am, I quickly realized it must mean Dr.Gun Lover. I thought to myself, "Stupid. A doctor driving an old minivan? And another thing DOCTOR, how about you put a picture of a gun under the plate instead of a stupid dragon you jacka... oh. DRAGON LOVER. Still stupid." Obviously I'm not the first person to have gotten it wrong or they wouldn't have a picture there to make it more clear.

Because I am a helpful person, I've come up with some great vanity tag ideas for the people I see on the road. I'm sure most of the speed and lane challenged f*cktards I see on the streets have at least considered getting vanity plates. Now they will have some things to choose from!

1. BADDRVR -  There are so many of these around. Should be used regularly.

2. SKNKHO -  We've all seen you lady. Cover your tits and flick that cigarette before you ash on yourself, freak out, and kill someone.

3. WNTSGNL- At least then I'd know that you will slow and veer off without any warning.

4. NOSEPKR-  Do you not have a private place where no one can see you to do that? You're going to make me vomit while driving and cause an accident.

5. DUMBICH - I know a few people I would give this too. Personally. Has nothing to do with their driving.

6. STPDFUK- This is for the a-holes out there who seem to think they own the road. They will pass you going 30 MPH over the limit then tuck back in front of you so quickly you fear you will literally be pulling your nose out of their ass if you can't brake quickly enough.

7. CNTFACE - Again, I know a few of these personally.

8. FKNLOSR - Drives slow then fast then slow then fast. Only looks up occasionally because he/she is too busy texting to really give life and death the respect it deserves.

9. RUBRNKR - Slows, gawks, and drives in multiple lanes at the same time while trying to catch a glimpse of what's going on where the lights are flashing.

10. LILPNIS - Very expensive car, bright fake smile, possibly a gold chain. Obviously overcompensating.

Not only would these tags tell you what to expect, but in a couple of cases could even prevent you from making a dating mistake! What? Like you've never car flirted before? Whatever!

14 comments:

wagthedad said...

So you're saying that very expensive cars, a nice shiny smile and gold chains actually MEAN something other than one is extremely cool and wack?

Shit. I have to change my look.

I think it is awesome that you are the road rage chick. I had you pictured otherwise. More docile or something. No offense or anything. :)

Angie said...

I am really not coming across as the real me in my blogs apparently. I think anyone who sees your comment there and knows me will BWAHAHAHAHA for a good 60 seconds.

Left Coast Guy said...

SPCCADET...dont forget that one. Goes to exit but decides not and then swings all the away over to the left lane (driving right lane speed). Slides back over to right lane...leaves turn signal on...forever.

SPDRCR...otherwise known as lead foot and can be found climbing up your rear bumper.

My favorite was found in Cali:

ROADRAG...thats why I had a bumper sticker that read "cover me, I'm passing"

Dean
http://leftcoastguy.com

Jen said...

My douchecanoe of a neigbor has a canary yellow Camero with plates that read 'SUPCOP. Yeah, that'll keep the po-po off your ass, Buddy.

Linda Medrano said...

CME2P - A local urologist has that one.

Yours are great Angie. Why can't I spell today???

Leauxra said...

Hey, I am a road-rager myself. I more than anything, I just enjoy cussing and calling people pig fucking whores for going 10 miles per hour under the speed limit in the FUCKING PASSING LANE, ASSHOLE.

Ahem.

Just so you know, you will have to come up with non-cussing words that those plates will mean, as you have to spell out what it means when you get a vanity plate at the DMV. I should know. I tried to get FCKOFF as my vanity plate, and tehy wouldn't let me. Said it was obscene or something. Pshaw.

Paula said...

I would love to give out #7 to quite a few people. I swear trying to figure out some of those vanity plates will cause me to wreck one day.

notactuallygod said...

People rarely are the same every day, what do you think of everybody having several tags, and they can pick what their car 'wears' before they go out?

BDHRDAY
RAGNBCH
WT2FSTU
2LM2LIV
HRNY4U
ND2DOIT

So Ange, what would you throw on?

mark @ yelling near you said...

You've got a great list and the other commenters have added even more but I'm afraid that the list is way too short for the quantity of horrible drivers we have in metro Vancouver.

Fortunately in Canada when you're learning to drive you must display a bit "L" on the back of your car and when you initially get your license, you have to display a "N" until you go back and pass a final road test. We're all for some additional letters to designate other types of drivers and this would solve the numbers problem with vanity plates.

Angie said...

Dean,
SPDRCR MIGHT be me. Just maybe. :)

Jen,
Does your neighbor know he's a douche? Does he need an intervention?

Linda,
I've been having trouble typing all damn week!

Leauxra,
Well that sucks! I can't even think of a better way to say it. :( Most of the plates I'd give out have to have the dirty word.

Paula,
LOL Some of them take me awhile too. A couple of NAG's up there have me confused as we speak.

NAG,
LOL You know I'm RAGNBCH. I'd also have one that said 2GOOD4U (well not you but you know... you)

Angie said...

Mark,
Since vanity plates are so limited in characters... we could solve this with mandatory bumper stickers. :D

notactuallygod said...

Do you still need/want any of mine decoded?

Azra said...

Missed you :) The worst vanity plate I've seen in these parts is "LoveDoc". Actually, I'm sure I've seen much worse, I just can't remember all the terrible ones right now *sigh*

Angie said...

Azra,
Glad to see you again girly! I missed you! The new job is keeping you busy? Keep your head up and make sure you remember to take time for yourself!

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