Monday, September 26, 2011

Words From The Wedding Weekend

What do you get when you combine a wedding party and alcohol? The best of the weekend conversations from me to you...

Overheard at the pre-party: 
Matron of Honor- She said it's not her car. (referring to a conversation about loud mufflers)
Wedding Attendant- Well, she's a liar. She's probably not even GAY!

Call to the honeymoon suite where we dressed for the event: 
Me- So here's what's left in the room: Your black quilted bag, your make up bag, your jewelry box, your VS bag, and a banana. Do you want me to leave the matrimonial banana in case you two wanna so something kinky freaky tonight?
Bride- What?! No. Maybe.

Words from the happy couple's bedroom: 
Me- What the hell happened in here? (clothes explosion)
My niece- Smells like sex doesn't it?!
Me- Uh, that's not what I meant.

Out of the mouths of babes: 
Bride- (Describing the size of a large glass vase being used for the ceremony) Ours is like this big around and this tall. (Gesturing with oddly sexual hand movements)
My niece- You wish, Mom.

I'm not in junior high, but I can play that age if...:  
Handsome friend of the groom- You should come meet some of my friends. We're going to a concert after the dance is done. Come with us.  
Me- Lucky! That sound like fun, but I rode here with my parents. It's a bit like high school. If I'm not in that car in 5 minutes they are going to be pissed!

This awkward moment brought to you by re-dating your ex: 
Me- Are you always this talkative or is this something new? (to grooms friend)
Him- All new. (uncomfortable look)
Me- This must be your son?
Him- Yeah and that's my daughter. (nervous smile)
Blonde woman from the crowd- And I'm his ex wife and the mother of his children.
Me- Nice to meet you! (awkward)

My sister has terrific friends. They were all very warm and welcoming. A big thank you to all of you for being such gracious hosts to our family during the busy time. 


Jen said...

Weddings are the BOMB for awkward conversations. My favorite from my friend Kate's wedding last month:

KATE: How do you get stains out of silk?
KATE'S MOM: That depends. Is it a protein or an oil stain?
KATE: I don't know. . .is semen a protein?

Aaaaaaaaaand, scene.

Angie said...

Oh.My.HAHAHAHA! Did you manage to see Mom's face when it was said? That would be worth major money!

Jen said...

Her mom didn't even flinch. Just busted out the Clorox Stain Stick and went to town on that cum stain. Freaking epic. . .

Ed Adams said...

Sounds like you had a fun trip.

Paula said...

Drunken wedding conversations are the best, I want to see some pics!

wagthedad said...

So one of my best friends got invited to a wedding in South Africa. Don't ask me how and why. He flies to Johannesburg, which is like a 59 hour flight, rents a car, a stick shift, drives on the left side of the road out into the bush, pauses to photograph the lions eating a giraffe carcass in the middle of the road because he can't drive past until they leave, gets to the pre-wedding party, climbs out of the jeep to find a crowd of about forty people milling around with drinks, and this is what he hears:

"Hey! That's that guy! That guy who slept with my friend!"

Awkward. Though I have to say that it worked out well for him. The friend liked him the next morning, and so the story everybody knew within 5 minutes was that a) a woman had slept with him and didn't think he was a dick and b) he might be saleable since he's not married and has no girlfriend.

And then commenced a party that my friend has referred to as "You really haven't understood Hotel California until you've been in the South African Outback."

Glad you're back, Angie. Missed you.

Rob Forget said...

Booze+wedding=lulz! +followed, come check my blog out when you get the chance!

Fred Miller said...

I'm a quiet muffler. It's rude to talk with your mouth full.

Elizabeth - Flourish in Progress said...

So nobody stabbed anybody else in the eye with a salad fork? Successful weekend in my book.

Angie said...

No family members were stabbed in the making of this wedding! LOL

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