Thursday, September 8, 2011

What the hell is that noise?

If you've ever known a nursing mother you've probably heard horror stories of breast milk letdown. For those of you who have not experienced/heard about this, let me get this post pointed in the right direction by telling you what breast milk letdown is NOT.
1. It's not being disappointed that your wife's hooters didn't grow to 5x their normal size when she began nursing. 
2. It's not what causes a baby to crave the bottle over the boob. 

"Letdown" is that phenomenon that occurs when a lactating woman's body says to her breasts, "You know what would be great right now? A wet t-shirt contest! Let's start with a couple big round wet spots on the nipples and see where we go from there!"
There is no shirt color that will hide this. Arm crossing will only make it worse. 

There is natural letdown that occurs when the baby is nursing; then there are other types that are caused by other things like beer or crying babies. Neither of these situations are wanted. They occur when you are least prepared for it, and will generally cause at least as much embarrassment as accidentally urinating on your shoe  when you're on a nature hike in a public park (so I'm told or whatever).

Now before you start thinking this is a post about leaking tatas, it's deeper than that. Today at work I heard the most pathetic sound you can hear. It was so out of place I had to stop what I was doing (trading insults with a couple of co-workers), and put on my squinty-eyes.

Side note: Squinting your eyes helps you hear better, much in the way pushing the tip of your tongue out the corner of your mouth helps you think.

So there I sat, eyes all asquint, listening closely. Someone was crying. It wasn't a cry of physical trauma. No, it was the sound of EMOTIONAL DRAMA. DAH DAH DAHHHHHHHH.
Oh Dear God, little baby Jesus, Mother Mary,  someone, ANYONE tell me whyyyyyyy!
There are certain cries that, as a woman, I have grown accustomed to ignoring.

1. Grown men sobbing. Hey... I want you to be able to cry, but I want you to do it quietly and with dignity. It's wrong and I know it, but I own it. If you are crying with dignity, I will wrap my arms around you and kiss your forehead and shut the hell up. Grown men bawling... you won't hear from me again.

Let's recap this one...
Acceptable Man Crying
Unacceptable Man Crying


2. Half-assed kid crying. If your cry sounds like you're sad because someone told you "no!" or one of the other kids is playing with the toy you want, you can just buzz off. You don't have to though, because I've trained my body to tune you out. Much like when you say mom mom mom mom mom mom mom. You'd better come up with a tone more urgent or you're gonna be sitting over there whining yourself to sleep.

I started this post with boobs and the body's natural reaction to certain stimuli. Let me explain the connection. When I hear the sound of emotional drama, I immediately feel a tightening in my chest. My hairs stand on end. I crane my neck to locate the sound. If I'm at work, I prairie dog.

What's going on? What's that sound? That's crying! Who is it? Can you see?

While I have not yet tested this theory, I have a feeling that if I were lactating, this sound too would wet my shirt with two large unsightly stains. Regardless, I was immediately drawn to the sound of the crying and followed it to it's source. I was once told that this sound is the reason women should not be allowed on the front lines of the war. Even men are naturally drawn to the sound and the response ends up getting people killed. My ex used to tell me I must be addicted to drama because I always seem to find people who have it. I realized today that it's not addiction. It's a natural response to that mournful sound of sadness. It's painful and my goal is to silence it.

I peeked around the corner... and there she was. I had located the victim and prepared to comfort the poor soul. At the same time, I heard her say... "It doesn't hurt. I'm just losing my voice. I don't even know what caused it."

It was just a cold. Talk about let down. So now that I'm all prepped... anyone need a hug? I've got one just waiting here.

12 comments:

Leauxra said...

I dunno. Having a cold is pretty traumatic, right? But I wouldn't hug her. Probably contagious.

I love this image I have of you sneaking through a land of cubicles, head tilted, eyes squinty, arms poised for a hug...

Linda Medrano said...

I was at the supermarket. I had just reached in the refrigerator case to get something and something started running down my arm and splatting onto the floor. Now how did they get that damn watery 1% milk in spilled under the cottage cheese, I wondered. Of course, it wasn't spilled milk except my own. Damn! Splatting onto the floor! Angie! What a mess!

Angie said...

Leauxra,
Oh I didn't hug her! I don't need a cold with these 12 hour days. That is so me... sneaking around offering comfort when least expected. LOL

Linda,
For me it happened the first time I went out with the girls for a beer after my son was born. No one told me the yeast in beer would cause me to the Might Mississippi of breast milk. There I sat... leaning against my arms crossed in front of me. When I sat back in my chair I felt cold... and wet... from the nips down. LOL

Left Coast Guy said...

Damn, two people commented already. Is the hug all worn out?

Dean
http://leftcoastguy.com

Angie said...

Dean,
~hugs~ :) It was open to all takers first come first served. You win! No one else asked for it!

Jennifer Fabulous said...

She was sobbing uncontrollably because of a cold...wow. Someone needs to grow a pair!

And I know about letdown! When I was a sophomore in high school, my English teacher had it happen during class. She was horrified and dismissed us. My friends had to explain the situation to me afterwards because I was confused. Lol.

So yeah...if I ever have kids one day, I will be not eagerly anticipating this...sigh.

Angie said...

Jennifer,
She wasn't even sobbing! It was the raspy, pained sound of someone who was emotionally about ready to die. Turns out that's just her sick voice!

Azra said...

It's difficult to respect a man that's bawling his eyes out. And I can't imagine how awkward that would make me feel. But I do like a man who can somewhat discretely shed a tear. It's soooo sexy. It makes me want to save him and take him home and wrap him up like a burrito *sigh*

On a side note, its recently come to my attention that babies (and there are many in the family at the moment) love my boobs. It comforts them instantly and they tend to fall asleep after 3 minutes in my arms. Now if I could only find a guy who'd share the sentiment hahahahaha...

Paula said...

Were you high when you wrote this? It's awesome either way, but I was just curious. :)

Angie said...

Azra,
Tenderness in a man is sexy as hell as long as it lurks beneath the surface for the most part! I have enough problems managing my own emotions! :) I am sure there are plenty of men who would like to fall asleep in your arms with their head on your chest. LOL

Paula,
No, but I was at work. Does that count? I am just scattered sometimes!! :)

Ed Adams said...

Guys can't handle it when a women cries. It's like someone stabbing us in the heart or balls.

Kids crying only makes us want to stab THEM in the heart or balls.

Angie said...

Oh Ed,
LOL Sorry that makes me laugh.

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