Friday, September 23, 2011

Violated at the Airport

There's a special warm feeling I get when I am able to get up at 4:30 AM and share the morning love with a sleeping teenager.

"Knock knock... hey hon can you take me to the airport now?"

"Huh? Wha.. um... wha? No. I mean yeah. I'm up. What?"

"The airport. Can you drive me to the airport now? You can take my car."

"Yeah. Sorry uh... I need to put clothes on."

"That would be good."

I'm packing light today. Unlike a trip to Montreal or California or hell, even Iowa where I would pack 6 days worth of clothes for 2 days worth of visit, I am currently carrying the lightest suitcase I've ever toted. 1 dress, 1 pair of shoes, 1 pair of jeans, 2 shirts, pjs, underw... oh hell!

Crisis averted, they are in the zippered portion of the bag.

I saw the security check in line was rather lengthy this morning, as is usually the case when you travel with all of the other business folk who are trying desperately to get the hell out of Sioux Falls before the weekend sets in. For this place, 30 people in front of you is "pretty deep" for security. But.. I saw my chance for some action. A man in his mid-late 50's was getting a working over. With gloves. Between his legs. The whole nine. FINALLY they are taking this TSA molestation seriously here. So I made my way to the front of the line and threw my belongings on the belt for scanning.... intentionally not taking my laptop out of it's bag and leaving my makeup bag with liquids INSIDE my luggage. I smiled inwardly and headed for the final check point. "Thank you. Have a nice flight."

WHAT.THE.HELL? Racially profiled AGAIN. What, because I'm middle aged and white and wearing heels I can't be dangerous?! That FARMER was dangerous enough for you, but not me? The baby can't keep her bottle of formula, but I can sneak extra shampoo and a full bottle of perfume (okay it's only 1 oz)?

That's when it happened.... "That will be $4.97 Ma'am."


So, I did get violated at the airport, just not in the way I'd hoped. I think that in itself is another form of profiling. If she looks all worky and tired and irritable by not getting fondled AND she buys a can of energy drink at triple the regular price she's OBVIOUSLY a true Midwest-Middle Aged-Non-Offender.

Boarding in a few minutes so I suppose I should close this baby down. I hope everyone has a fantastic Friday and if I don't see ya... an even better weekend!


hmr59 said...

You make it sound so sexy!! lol At least you got some action today!

Ed Adams said...

Should have bought a one-way firstclass ticket.

If you don't look middle-eastern, you have to pay extra to get the full treatment.

Paula said...

Don't feel bad I always miss out on the action too, except for one time when my bags won the random search lottery. Have fun at the wedding!

Anonymous said...

One time, we couldn't board a plane because my then pre-teen son's middle and last name were on some "list." It was pretty inconvenient. I think that's the only time I've felt the pleasure of getting violated at the airport. I never even get patted down!

Left Coast Guy said...

Um, Angie? I know folks at TSA. If you like, I can arrange for them to send you to "secondary" where they will have you open and empty all your bags as well as empty your pocket "trash." After this, there will be a bull dike TSA officer come out and pat you down from head to toe before they return your goods to you. If you still feel slighted after that (perhaps the inspection still felt too generic), I will include in the warrant that you are a suspected mule. In which case, aforementioned bull dike TSA officer will strip you of all your clothes (ALL OF THEM..even bandages). She will then perform a body cavity search. This includes, ears, mouth and nose. And then the fun begins with the other...openings.

I would only do this for my most cherished friends, Angie, you know this. Speak the word, Angie! You too can be as well known to TSA as Lady Gaga.


Wow, that was awkward said...

I like your attitude. You see it as an opportunity. You think like a guy. Good work!

Tony Van Helsing said...

So you wanted to be felt up by the security guard?

Gorilla Bananas said...

They obviously wrongly believe you'd make a fuss if they groped you. You need to practice your "come hither" look.

Azra said...

Airports are over-priced. Even in the "duty-free" section. You're lucky though Angie, I ALWAYS get cordoned off and interrogated... must be my exotic terrorist looks LOL! Once in Dubai, the plane was on the runway... like moving on the runway ready to take off... and they stopped it so that someone could come and ask me for my boarding pass. Like who gets on a plane without a boarding pass?!? How did they figure I’d get on without one? *sigh*

Angie said...

You're all awesome and I appreciate the tips and tricks. I will do my best to get some action next time (well except the one-way first class ticket... even I don't want to have to pay for it)

Azra... I have one thing to say to that.. ASSHOLES!

wagthedad said...

You haven't LIVED until you watch the security people frisk your two year old.

Angie said...

That is just insane!

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