Monday, September 12, 2011

Prelude to a Wedding

Some of you that live in areas that are anything but "metropolitan" will understand my next statement. There is a penalty charged to any airline customer traveling from a location no one would want to live going to a location that no one would want to visit. Yeah, that's a flight path the airlines giggle about. They looked at the itinerary and change me double for being too stupid to pick a tropical climate for my vacation destination. Don't get me wrong. Both locales are perfectly nice for raising a family. The crime rates are lower in small outlying communities, the values are closer to those I was raised with, and the impact of a failing economy isn't as drastic as it is in other parts of the country. But come on... Sioux Falls to Dayton?

And that's exactly where I am going. Right now you're probably thinking, "Who the **** cares!?" Well I'll tell ya who... my sister, that's who. You see, she's getting married on the 24th and I am going to be there. She's skeptical about whether or not I'm actually going to show up, and I know this because she keeps asking what time my flight gets in. Rest assured sister girl I'll be there! I have a few things to do before I go though... like you know, buy the ticket.

I've also planned tonight's after work activities to prepare me for the nuptials. The agenda requires me to stand in the closet and stare at my two dress options to determine which will require the least amount of Spanx. During this time I will try on at least 6 pairs of black heels, text my sister to ask if it's okay if I just wear jeans, try on 5 pair of jeans and realize I don't have a single decent blouse to go with them, text her back and tell her to forget it I will just wear black, text again and ask if it's okay if I wear black because I do have the one other dress, then locate nearest retailer that sells "suck it in" wear. Busy night!

I don't own a single piece of Spanx that will work with either dress. I've always been afraid of wearing those full coverage pieces because really, all that stuff you're squishing has to go somewhere, right? If you see any pictures of me at this wedding and I've got a massively bulging knees and my neck has grown 6 inches in diameter just know that from the shoulders to the thighs I looked streamlined. :)

Tomorrow I plan to begin last minute online shopping for a date. I am not even being sneaky here and trying to pass someone off as a boyfriend. I'm willing to bet that even my nieces and nephews will have a date for their mother's wedding. I've pretty much decided if I go to one more family event as a single, there will be little hope of convincing my family that I'm into guys. At the end of the evening when everyone is inebriated and dancing with their partner... I'd rather not be "that sister".  I know my sister and despite her good intentions, and even though it's her wedding, if I don't have a date she will try to fix me up with someone at the party and I really don't want that. You know that website, There needs to be a site called There will be adult beverages, a dance, food, etc. I think this is selling itself! What guy turns down buffet, beer, and boobs? If you're hot, single, can dance, between 32 and 42,  in the Dayton-Urbana area, and don't mind that you're not going to get any sex please let me know. :-p

There's also this little thing called a gift that I need to pick up. Since both my sister and her betrothed are coming into this marriage with 3 kids each... I suppose we can rule out buying them a baby on the black market. I thought perhaps custom his and hers ear plugs for those days/nights/weeks when they want to block out the sounds of kids. Perhaps a year's supply of Xanex from one of those fancy Canadian online places would do the trick. I've never been to their home and I don't want to give a gift card. Add to that, I'm not crafty in the least, really. Well not in any way that would make a cool gift like glass etching or a big freakin doily. Everyone loves a big freakin doily. Alas, a doily I cannot make.

What's your very best wedding experience? Bonus points for someone who gives me a kick ass and yet affordable wedding present idea. :D


wagthedad said...

Aren't you supposed to pick people up at weddings anyway? There has GOT to be somebody there. I will send my twin single brother.

Ed Adams said...

First, "Angie "...fix that shit please! It makes responding to your comments on my blog impossible.

Next, I only live about an hour from Dayton. 36,hot,funny,all around awesome.
That sex thing is negotiable, right?

hahaha...j/ know I'm married.

Ed Adams said...

Damnit, it totally took out part of my comment above.

That "shit" I wanted you to fix was the "no-reply comment" thingy that comes up in the email address window when I try to respond to your comments.

Angie said...

Hmmmm Ed... I have never had anyone mentioned it before. Too weird. Is it just on my replies to your blog?


Angie said...

I don't know what sort of people will be at the wedding. From what I've gathered they are like a swingers group. Single women but no single men. LOL They are not swingers by the way.

Rosonkefam said...

O pooh! The invitation I got to said event never mentioned you were a definite "yes" or I'd have tried harder! Get them kites. Or matching kitchen aprons. Or Ohio State flags for their for each side. I freaking love it when people go there; one on each side. Just in case you aren't sure how SERIOUS they are about their allegiance. Or maybe just the earplugs. If I ever renew my vows, I promise to invite you somewhere hot and tropical. And I just want to pre-request the Xanax.

Paula said...

I think would work! I think this could be the start of a new business venture for you!

Leauxra said...

OK, so Target has a knockoff Spanks called "Assets", just fyi, it's much cheaper, but will get you through the night. I used it when I was in my sister's wedding, and I had a floor length dress so no visible bulges. It did all go to my knees, though.

I had planned a thoughtful awesome gift for the happy couple. But I couldn't think of anything good enough so I gave them cash, which was actually just what they wanted, turns out.

Tony Van Helsing said...

I don't know what Spanx are but it sounds mucky. Can't you hire an escort for the wedding? Mind you, that could be awkward if you do meet a bloke at the wedding and want to get talking.

Angie said...

Oh Crissy I do so miss you! I love the team flag idea! I should find out for sure who Matt's team is. I could get Christy the UofI and him the OSU! Ooooh we have another wedding coming up too! Can't wait to see Jason and Linette finally tie the knot!

I know right! Wedding dates for hire. It's very Debra Messing, but I think it would work!

Thank youuuuu! I am going there tonight! You're a life saver!

Nah, I won't actually hire a date. Sounds fun though doesn't it? I'll just take my chances and see if Prince Charming shows up at the event! LOL

Ed Adams said...

It's not just you. But check this out to see how to fix it:

You might be missing out on lots of feedback on your wonderful comments.

Angie said...

Fixed it!

Left Coast Guy said...


32? 32???? A man's brain isn't even switched on yet at that age.


Angie said...

I figured it was a good spread! 5 years on either side.

My Zimbio
Top Stories