Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I Will Destroy You (and other fun break up stuff)

Most people have been through a breakup before. To venture a guess, I'm going to say at least 50% of us have been through a painful breakup. Today is dedicated to the more funny and pathetic things I've heard in breakup fights.

1. I will destroy you. 

This one I like because it's straight out of a Marvel comic. MUAHAHAHAHAHA. I can't help but to picture any of my exes saying that to me. In my mind they would be wearing ill fitting tights and slowly shrinking into oblivion as they shake their fist at me. Seriously, my credit sucks and I pretty much live alone. If anyone said this to me in the future I would have to walk directly up to the dumb ass and flick him in the forehead. 

2. Who are you f*cking?! I will kill them! 

Right. I'm leaving you because I have found someone else who is better in bed than you are. You say that like I don't have SO many other better reasons to leave you. Heck, at this point I might be leaving you for just insinuating that you think I'm stupid enough to tell you who I am f*cking so you can go kill them! Frankly, Sir... that is downright insulting! 

3. You are on birth control pills so you can f*ck EVERYONE! 

Birth control pills are not Roofies. If I wanted to have sex with EVERYONE I would buy roofies. I take birth control pills so that I am never impregnated with your demon spawn. Seriously, I loved you but I've seen how well you did with your own kids. PASS! 

4. I will take everything you have! 

Oooooh sorry. Someone beat you to that already. If you'd like my 401 K, you can check with ABRA auto repair. I do have a nifty set of Ginsu's. Please God PLEASEEEEEE don't take them from me! 

5. You've been faking it haven't you!

Yes. I have. Next question. 

What's the most ridiculous thing you've heard during a break up? 


Julio said...

I've never had a girlfriend, so I've never had the opportunity to break up with anyone. But if I had to guess, I'd venture that the most ridiculous thing POSSIBLY heard during a break up is this: You can't leave me...and I mean that literally. If you are any more than 50 ft away from me, the bomb I implanted in your uterus will explode. Sooooo, is there anything ELSE you wanted to "talk about"?

Ed Adams said...

I always try to let them down easy.

Obviously, I'm the breaker-upper.

No one in their right mind would ever leave me. DUH!

Left Coast Guy said...

"I don't want to talk to you. I don't know why we are getting married. Please go away. I don't know what else I can say."

Um,how about why? Just saying...


Azra said...

Haha... how about "It's not you, it's me"... Seriously?

And a favourite from the movie "He's just not that into you"... "I envy the man who gets you"... Well that could have been you, you dumbass!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Hah, you ought to write movie dialogue for Martin Scorsese! Larry David's line was "I'm not happy", which is a pretty clever one IMO. We gorillas say "I'm tired of fucking you, but my friend is ready and willing."

Jen said...

"Oh, you think you're SOOOOOOO much smarter than me, don't you!?!?"

Ummm, well, as I don't appear to be the one who is 40 year old with two failed marriages, no job, and "Oops!" just got caught cheating because you posted pictures of yourself with your new girlfriend on your Facebook page without hitting that pesky 'privacy' setting then, yes. I would venture to guess that my IQ is just a skooch higher than yours, you twatwagon.

Fred Miller said...

It was the sound of a book on Olglala religion smacking me in the side of the head and chiseling my glasses into the bridge of my nose. I was researching the Sioux language family at the time and that was the closest weapon she could find. I'll bet you could check out that book from the Emporia State University library and you would see where the binding has been repaired. My face did that.

Jaclyn said...

I had a dude threaten to murder my whole family "but not you because I want you to suffer without them". Charming!


Paula said...

These are classic! Though I hope no one has really said these to you my dear.

TessaLeFae said...

"I have to break up with you because I couldn't handle it if you left me." Umm... what?

wagthedad said...

After the break up:

"We need to talk."
"You're not pregnant are you?"

Wasn't me.

Angie said...

It might be things like this that prevent you from having a girlfriend. :)

That's exactly how I see you. The Breaker-Upper. For sure. I mean heck, your smart enough, you're good enough, and gosh darn it...

Don't you HATE that crap? I suppose though that it's better than dragging it out with reasons that we feel we can overcome.

Oh Puhleaseeeeeee. That last one makes me want to find that guy and punch him where his testicles obviously don't exist.

Sometimes that approach might be best! LOL

Seriously, the stupidity level of some people still surprises me at times. It shouldn't but it does!

OUCH! I have never tried to hobble someone by causing brain damage! Maybe she was trying to knock some sense into you? Scary lady!

I hope you got a restraining order! The threats of violence are just shocking. I've never thought of threatening someone to make them like me again. Maybe we're doing it all wrong!?

A few of them are actually mine. Two were things said to a guy I know (not by me!).

Oh, wow another Mensa member huh? It makes you wonder if that BS line has worked for them in previous breakups? Were you supposed to be flattered? Sheesh!

haha "You're not pregnant" is never a direction you want to take the discussion.

Anonymous said...

Awesome - I particularly love the last one!

Anonymous said...

I was always the breaker-upper, and was a total wuss about it giving all kinds of lame excuses.

My HS sweetheart said to me- "You're a girl somebody marries and has a family with, But I just want to fuck college girls and go drinking for a few years." I think he thought it was a break-up compliment. At least he was honest though.


RCB said...

Hello stranger. 'What's the most ridiculous thing you've heard during a break up?' Well, it sounded like this (though my ears might have been playing tricks on me): 'You're the best person I know. I want us to be friends. Oh and can I borrow some money?'

Angie said...

RCB, That "I want to be friends" crap is an emotional wrecking ball. The money thing... that gets a door to the face. ~hugs~ Get better dammit!

Leauxra said...

Trying to get caught up after being at the ends of the earth is HARD. This post gave me the giggles.

One time, I was trying to break up with a guy, and I actually said, completely by mistake, "It's not me, it's you."

Did NOT go over well, but at least it was honest.

Angie said...

Welcome back girl! I think "It's not me, it's you." is actually the way it SHOULD go. The truth is that is what all breakups are about. Honesty would be so much better than the BS lines.

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