Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Well, I guess I'm pregnant. (no, I'm not... not really)

When I get all emotional and hormonal I try to remain positive about the whole thing. Yeah, being a woman can suck sometimes. Uh huh, I'm going to break out in a day or two. Tomorrow I will probably get a migraine. Next week people will avoid saying anything to me that might seem "attacking" because my peeps know me as well as I do. But on a big old positive note... at least I'm not pregnant. 

Right before I turned 19 I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. It was pretty much the same way most women find out these days. I was late. I denied it to myself for a few weeks. I continued to be late. I bawled like a baby. I bought a pregnancy test. 

I was living in Omaha at the time with my kids dad living the "city life". We had what we thought was a kick ass apartment in a complex that had an indoor pool, gym, and sauna. So what if our furniture was circa 1975? We were both making good (enough) money. We owned a gaming system, people. There is just no way to explain how cool we were. WE.WERE.AWESOME. 

Where was I? Oh, right... I got knocked up. You know those bullshit lies you are told to never believe?  "We don't need to use a condom. I smoke a lot of marijuana so I have a low sperm count. You can't get pregnant." Apparently there wasn't any amount of awesomeness that made up for my naivete. 

So I drove home with the test in a bag, went straight to the bathroom and closed the door. I read the pamphlet and counted back the days. First morning urine? WHAT THE HELL?! You cannot come home with a pregnancy test and then not take it until morning. That's a ridiculous thing to suggest to anyone waiting on that result. I was about month late by this time so there was little chance waiting until morning to pee on the stick would somehow be more or less conclusive. Just to be on the safe side I grabbed a Dixie cup to collect a good sample and I dipped the stick in until I felt I'd properly done the job. I wasn't taking any chances when it came to aiming for the stick. That's right.. I saved all my chance taking for unprotected sex. 

I remember walking back to the living room holding the stick of doom. The scene sticks in my head for a couple of reasons. 
1. I was about to find out whether or not I had a parasite growing in my uterus. 
2. My guy was flipping through a Fingerhut catalog. This is only odd because it was a rare occasion that he wasn't enmeshed in a battle of wills with Final Fantasy for Sega. <I still say Sega the way they used say it on the commercials... SEGA!> 

I took a deep breath and took my finger off the little window on the stick. Two lines. SON OF A BITCH! 

"Well, I guess I'm pregnant." I said. 

He nodded and replied, "So, what do you want? A black one or a white one?" 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? A white one of course. Jesus, Mark!" (Now before you go thinking that was a racist comment... you should know my ex is also white and I thought he was accusing me of having an affair.)

"I meant for the indoor grill. Do you want the white one or the black one?" He said. 

I am sure there were plenty of signs, upon further reflection, that Mark and I were not on the same page mentally. Maybe the fact that he continued to date while we were living together? Maybe that he was 7 years older than me? Maybe that while I was telling him that we were going to be parents he was more concerned with the color of a piece of crap kitchen counter appliance from a low rate catalog? 

So my question for the day is... What's for lunch? All this hormonal thank God I'm not pregnant talk has got me hungry.

14 comments:

Linda Medrano said...

Lunch will be Dim Sum today. (I just have to have some shrimp dumplings and those little crepes.) I had my children pretty young too. And I now know how hard it was. Fortunately, I was too young to know it was hard when I had them! (Getting divorced with a 3 year old and a 3 month old might have made an older me hesitate.) Still, all's well, Baby. All's well!

Angie said...

Linda,
I wouldn't trade all of my "whoopsies" for the world, regardless of how painful they were at the time. I understand what you mean about not being old enough to know how hard it was at the time. I don't think I have the mental stamina to do it even NOW! :)

If I Were God... said...

Man, do I have A LOT to say about THAT! -but not if you're hormonal. That being the case ...ahhh ...you look nice in that pic. And have a great day. Bye now! No throwing things at me!

Leauxra said...

I love that I can blame hormones when I am feeling bitchy, but I can still get mad any anyone else for blaming my hormones. It's like a "your mom" joke only with stabbing.

And when you said that bit about "black or white" I was so confused. WTF? He survived that?

Angie said...

IIWG,
Good man!

Leauxra,
AMEN! That always results in something like, "Well maybe I am bitchy once a month because you are too stupid 1 week a month to shut your pie hole!"

As to letting him live... I was younger and weaker then. If that happened today there would be violence. :)

Wow, that was awkward said...

Isn't it amazing how that little preggo test causes so much anguish, joy, fear, excitement, freak-outs and celebrations depending on the person and circumstances?

Elizabeth - Flourish in Progress said...

Hm. This sounds strangely like the reaction I got when I found out. Are we....the same person?

Gorilla Bananas said...

So was he a good father to the indoor grill? I get the impression his parenting skills were more suited to inanimate objects.

Left Coast Guy said...

Hey, thats one of my favorite pics of you :-)

Angie, I dont understand men. What more can I say. You have a good idea how I think. I would have been there before you knew you were pregers. If nothing else I probably would have bought the doom stick. Sigh.

Dean
http://leftcoastguy.com

Sandra said...

Maybe your guy wasn't the right one, but I have to say, I'm pretty sure my husband asked about kitchen appliances too when I made the announcement...I think it's a stupid man thing...

tazerwarriorprincess said...

I can't relate to the Whoopsie (yet, knock on wood) but I did consider cutting the baby making bits out with a steak knife this weekend. Yes, that's how much I love "being a woman". UGH.

Angie said...

Wow,
How true! When I found out I was pregnant with my son the moment contained a lot more smiling and a lot less fear.

Liz,
I think it could be possible except that one time you gave up swearing and oh you're no-shopping thing. :p

GB,
He did get custody of the grill in the divorce!

LCG,
You're so lucky you weren't there then! I'm probably a lot nicer now than I was then. Maybe a little smarter too! ;)

Sandra,
I think perhaps it's a bit of an avoidance thing right? Like the 3 weeks I spent telling myself I couldn't possibly be pregnant!

TWP,
Embrace your womanhood chicky! Use it for all it's worth! haha (free oil changes, drinks, flowers when you cry, etc. Let me know how it works!)

Paula said...

I got pregnant when I was young too, and our baby daddy's sound oddly similar!

Angie said...

Paula,
I think a lot of us know that same guy! :)

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