Friday, August 26, 2011

This weekend I will become a woman...

I remember sitting at the dinner table as a child, eyes watering on the verge of tears. There didn't seem to be a way around the horror to come. Onion. It seemed to be in everything.

Baked beans? Yep.
Liver? Yes.
On the roast? Of course.
Baby potatoes and creamed peas? Pretty sure.
Chili? Actually every single soup created? Damn straight.

"Just pick them out!" seemed to be the most commonly used sentence in the kitchen. I would like to believe that onions are the reason I was so fat. I had to eat cakes and cookies to get the nutrients I needed to feed my brain development because of my aversion to everything else. (Kidding Mom- You should all know that my mother is an incredible cook and sometimes I go home for the weekend just so she will feed me) It's important to note that onion will taint an entire meal. Once you cook with an onion, the flavor creeps over the side of pots and pans and gets into every single item on your plate.

So there I would sit, fork in hand, and pick and pick and pick until there was a small mountain of minced/chopped/slivered/sliced onion on the side of my plate. From time to time my keen eye would miss a minuscule hidden bit and I would bite into it. There was rarely a meal when I didn't gag at the table. It's surprising really that my family didn't involuntarily vomit simply from watching me trying to eat. Sometimes I would wear my "about to bawl" face through the entire meal.

Onion torture was inevitable. We come from an area of small rural communities. There weren't fast food restaurants anywhere nearby. On the rare occasion, my parents would go to "The City" (Omaha) and because they loved us and knew that our rural upbringing caused us to be deprived of cool things like Happy Meals, they would come home from a day trip to the land of tall buildings with 2 big bags full of McDonald's hamburgers and cheeseburgers. If we had other kids to taunt on the farm we would totally have been singing the Eddie Murphy 'we got McDonaldsssssssssssssssss" song.

For those of you unfamiliar with McDonald's burgers... unless you specifically request things to be served without onions... those dehydrated bastards plastered to the bun. There are not enough paper towels or napkins in the entire world to wipe the onion out of a burger. When you're feeding 6 kids, you do NOT stop mid-order at the drive thru and say... "Oh and can we get a couple of them without onions and mark the wrappers?" You simply put in the order as quickly as you can and go back to enjoying that blessed day you spent away from crying, fighting, dirty, needy kids. I don't blame them.... anymore. :)

Between my aversion to onion, one sister not eating green beans, and another who refused to touch tomatoes... it's a wonder my mother didn't just let us starve. But she's sweet that way, ya know?

I went to the store today after work and walked right up to the onions in the produce section and bought my very first ever onion. It's called a Red Onion... maybe you've heard of them?
It's an onion. Don't worry it won't bite...much. Right? 
So this weekend I am going to become a woman. Well, I already was, but a woman who eats onion. I will dice up about half of the scary bitch until it looks almost like onion grits and put it in some guacamole. I might die. Or gag. Or gag and then die. Even the kids are scared for me. I'll keep you posted.


Fred Milller said...

After ten years with Tessa, I avoid onions, now, too. I like them well enough, but she can't even breathe around them. So, I'm not used to them anymore. Now, I can hardly even eat the Long John Silver's hushpuppies. You know. The onion balls with a little cornbread in them? I can taste them for 24 hours afterward, so I know people detect them on me.

Angie said...

I have a hard time not gagging when I take my kids to a fast food place to begin with, but then they go and order stuff like Big Macs or Whoppers and the smell of onion permeates the car and our clothes and my soul. It's ugly and painful. I am hoping the guacamole won't be as bad. (and yes those hushpuppies are heinous!)

Leauxra said...

So, red onions are pretty strong. Go you for not using a "starter" onion like a white or yellow.

And I understand the "about to cry" face through a meal as a child. I couldn't stand cooked plants. Of any kind. Except maybe potatos, but not sweet potatoes. If I smelled green beans or yams or spinach, or peas I would actually throw up every single time. But I had to eat them. I would sit at the table for hours and hours if I couldn't feed the cooked carrots to the cats unnoticed.

Actually, I still can't do it. It all smells like that water leftover in a vase of dead flowers to me.

I can eat it all raw, though.

Angie said...

I was under the impression that the red onions are the sweeter of the onions. I HAVE BEEN DECEIVED!

Crystal said...

Red is sweeter - they do make you cry moe tho and a very strong taste. I had the same aversion to onions and ram garlic - now I can barely cook without them! But for me they have to be cooked - raw onions are gross!

Left Coast Guy said...

I'd like to think I was the one who made you onion brave but I know it's a lie. Since we have grown so incredibly close over the last few days. I think now is a gooD time you tell the world what you will leave me in your will should you gag and die or die gagging (WHAT. EVER.). :-)


Angie said...

I will be wary of the bite for sure. I am nervous... it being my first time and all. I will start with something small just to break myself in. I will try not to gag. Are we still talking about onions? LOL

Dear World,

Over the last few days, LCG-Dean and I have become so incredibly close that I will be leaving him the other half of my red onion in my will in the event that I die or die gagging.

Angie Whatevermylastnameis
(How was that?)

Gorilla Bananas said...

Have you tried them caramelized? Some great curries and sauces are made with caramelized onions.

Steve Bailey said...

Good luck.... I am the same way with mushrooms. Maybe I will do the same thing this weekend. Yep I'm gonna. That's it this weekend Im gonna become a woman also.....

Linda Medrano said...

Oh Angie, how about French Onion Soup? That's so wonderful it can make you cry. I love onions and garlic too. Now I wonder if you and I can ever marry.

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