Monday, August 1, 2011

Things could be worse, I don't even OWN a bucket!!

As the night wound down Saturday, the tired party goers gathered around the TV in a vegetative state and watched Hoarders. While my son and I had seen the show before and our co-watchers never a one, each episode is nevertheless a shock to the system. One man had over 2000 rats living in his home, while a woman was hoarding cats and apparently everything else. At least the rat guy had narrowed down his must-haves.

While these two individuals were worrisome... it wasn't even one of the hoarders themselves that disturbed me most during this particular rerun extravaganza of hoarding horror. No, it was the fact that on top of hoarding everything under the sun, a man in one of the following episodes had managed to collect a homeless man in the process.It wasn't even THAT which got my mind spinning.

While they were taking down the homeless man's makeshift shelter in the hoarder's yard, the homeless man said, "You don't want to film that. It's a bucket full of shit." That's when they cut to the professional organizer for the episode and he said, "After spending the day here with **** I realized we're all just 4-5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket." While the rest of the group was quietly absorbing the full impact of the show to that point, I quite loudly said, "HA! No shit!" 

No pun intended, but seriously ... no shit.

So I started thinking, which isn't a good idea most of the time let alone sober. At least if I have a glass of wine when I am thinking I can lighten my own mood and make a joke out of it. Untrue when you're looking down the barrel of your life and you watch that bullet spinning toward you, it's about to hit you right between the eyes, and you've not properly medicated yourself into believing it was brighter, shinier, and more rose colored than you have any right to.

Somewhere along the line I made a couple of good decisions. I can only think of a few right now...

1. Stopped wearing teal eyeliner and cobalt blue mascara
What the hell was I thinking?  This trend is trying to come back. It's trying like Katie Holmes Cruise is trying to bring back tight rolled jeans. I sure as hell hope it's as unsuccessful. It just makes you look like a neon version of a David Bowie looking hooker on a slightly new version of Cagney and Lacey. Even celebrities look like they are going to a bad 80's costume party. When I stopped applying this horrific fashion trend to my face I saved myself from the following other things:
a) cocaine addiction 
b) prostitution 
c) marrying some guy named Pooky Ray (obviously a pimp)
d) getting chased out of the flop house we would have called home and living in a cardboard box and having to shit in a bucket

2. Stopped reading romance novels
My former mother in law is to blame for my almost life-destroying addiction for trashy Harlequin Romance. I had always been a voracious reader who spent much of my free time locked away in my room imagining I was anyone else and everywhere except in Iowa. She must have guessed that her son and I were less than romantic or she simply wanted me to feel let down FOREVER by letting me see what I thought the other half really lived like. Shortly after we began dating, she sent me home with boxes full of her Harlequin Book of the Month Club collection. I devoured them. It took me forever to realize that men are not like the brooding, sensitive, bad boys in those smut laced mind candy. They were in fact just guys who really meant "nothing" when you asked what they were thinking about. Putting down those romance novels saved me from:
a) marrying sensitive rocker guy with the three kids whose wife had left him for some guy on the Internet 
b) becoming sensitive rocker guy's sole provider 
c) inevitably turning to drugs and hooking to pay for his need for new guitar strings
d) inability to pay the water bill and having to go out back to shit in a bucket

3. Refused to listen when ex became insistent that we consider commune living/going "off the grid"
Now I know there are some of you out there that are thinking "Hey Angie! Off the grid is better for the planet!" Mmmm hmmm We'll talk about that when it's your turn to empty the bucket and you realize it's been dripping on your foot the whole way to the pit out back. The communes he was considering were all planting, harvesting, grow your own food and let the man make the decisions sort of places minus that pesky religion aspect.  We all know how these things turned out in the past right? Manson family anyone? Thank God I refused to play ball or I might have:
a) had to have sex with a really short hairy guy in exchange for seeds for my garden patch I'd have to plant to feed my family
b) learned to sew my own clothes that would obviously be very minimal because money would be scarce for buying cloth
c) which would have led to more sex due to my awesome vegan healthy bod and complete boredom coupled with lack of birth control which would create more babies
d) which would then eat us out of house and home and we would have to live outside and shit in a bucket.

So kids, what decisions have you made that saved you? 

11 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Your gain was a short hairy guy's loss. I once refused to shave my butt hairs to get a part in a porno film. It saved my dignity.

RCB said...

What's wrong with really short hairy men? Are you the only woman on the planet who doesn't dream about combing the lovely furry hair on their backs...

Angie said...

GB,
I was sort of referring to a Charles Manson look alike. No offense to you and your butt hairs and ya know what? More power too you! Don't let anyone make a baboon out of you!

RCB,
Nothing at all wrong with them... I simply would prefer to trade my sex for garden seeds with Gerard Butler. :D

tazerwarriorprincess said...

Hm. I can't think of a particularly funny "good decision" to post, so I'll relay the rather serious one- Dumped the soul sucking abusive leech of an ex boyfriend. It was like realizing I'd been carrying a fucking gorilla (no offense GB) on my back for 4 years... freedom is beautiful.

Angie said...

Tazer,
It's an amazing experience isn't it? It's a quick way to lose 180 pounds yeah? :) Congrats on your freedom girl! soul sucking abusers can make you wish you lived anywhere else even if you HAD to sh*t in a bucket.

If I were God... said...

Do you really live in fear of becoming a bucket-shitting hooker?

I think you're too bright and too beautiful to fall into either hole (pardon the puns on your buns)

Angie said...

IIWG,
No way, I don't live in fear of anything now! LOL

Steve Bailey said...

Funny post!!! But I never said is was o.k. for you to blog today woman!!!!! Now get back to work.


Sincerely,
Pooky Ray

Angie said...

I'll get back to work Pooky Ray when you get us a bucket for that Maytag box you call our home in the alley!

Leauxra said...

Yeah, well, there is always the shit bucket. I once refused to buy hash from a guy in Turkey, thus avoiding Turkish prison, and bucket shitting fun.

I am still not entirely convinced I made the right decision.

Angie said...

Leauxra,
Depending on the day, Turkish prison doesn't sound like such a bad deal.

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