Saturday, August 6, 2011

How Can It Go Wrong? It's SATURDAY!

Angie says (8:28 AM)
Hey, did you know I'm super popular in Guam?

**** says (8:28 AM)

Angie says (8:28 AM)
It's a small country. (territory)

**** says (8:28 AM)

Angie says (8:28 AM)

Angie says (8:29 AM)
In my race for Internet popularity..
19 people in Guam read me today
I'm going to use that to boost my confidence all day
Pants are tight... it's ok I'm popular in Guam
Hair won't lay right...  Nooo problem- Guam

And that's how the day started. How in the hell could today go bad when I got 19 clicks just from GUAM?   Okay 19 doesn't SEEM like a lot, right? But dare I say it's more popular than I am in the Netherlands. It's also more popular than I am with iPhone users. WTF Netherlands iPhone users? I'm good. I'm all nice and stuff! Get on the love train! 

I'm going to get my bitching out of the way before 2 PM today because I have some sun to worship, a nap to catch, a book to read, etc. I don't have time for being a bag all day. So here it is... Saturday Bullshit! 

1. I found socks for the boy child today. 12 pair for $7. What's he NEEEEEEED? 3 pair for $6. "They have arch support." Interesting... he didn't need arch support when he lived with me. His dad killed his arches. WTF?

2. Hey girl child? Those roses I got you? How about you get rid of them since the water has gone moldy. This could explain some of the smell of funk I mentioned... Maybe.

3. Facebookers... You have 300 close friends? Really? 300 people want to know about your kid's bowel movements? Seriously? (clicking the 'x' Hide all by ANYONE WHO TELLS ME ABOUT THEIR KID'S BOWEL MOVEMENTS) The world has gotten pretty desperate for what they consider entertainment, but come the hell on.

4. HOLY MOTHER OF CONSTRUCTION! One more orange cone or barrel or reflector stick and I'm going to scream. Loudly. Until they hear me in Guam.

Just to even things out... Here's a little Hooray Saturday Brilliance for ya

1. Dollar Tree (East siiiiiiiiiide represent) Red wine glasses for $1. Real ones. AND Garbage Pail Kids cards. 4/$1.

2. Last night's party was great! I will be spending 90 minutes on the treadmill later to pay for the variety of dips that were served. It was like an all girl pot luck party with cream cheese, sour cream, and fattening snacks galore. And also body powder that tastes good, lotions for tasting, oils, etc. The decision has been made by ME that all scented not tasty stuff should be applied to the arms and sides of the legs. Anything edible should be applied to the center portion of the body for optimal enjoyment. There was a glass ____ and some amazing _____ and OMG an edible massage candle? I'll admit this one confused me a little.

3. To you... ridiculous red leafy plants that I spent money on that will die with the cold weather... Thanks for making pretty pink flowers. You surprised me. I was about ready to Round Up your asses out of frustration and you won me over.

4. My daughter isn't pregnant. She just wanted to take me to breakfast. I saved this one for last because it's the best! When she texted and said... "Can I take you to breakfast tomorrow?" I thought, "Holy f*ck! She's trying to get me to a public place so she can tell me something bad and I won't kill her." Not so. She just got paid. <Insert not-a-grandma-yet dance here>

Okay team... Get out there and enjoy your Saturday afternoon/evening/Sunday... whatever ya got going. I have a sneaking suspicion that Saturday cheats on me with everyone East of me. Sometimes it rolls in smelling like a bong in Amsterdam, a pub in London, a club in Montreal, a deli in Chicago... It's a whore but I can't help loving it.


Gorilla Bananas said...

19 people in Guam? Are you sure it wasn't one person 19 times? I think you've got a stalker, madam. Be thankful he's far away!

Meg said...

I'm in Guam, but I know I haven't visited your site 19 times in one day, not even a week. I swear I'm not a crazy stalker person. But then again, if I am, at least I'm in Guam and that's really far away, like Gorilla said... I think Fred and Linda will vouch for me since I'm on facebook with them, lol. Same thing happened when I started reading If I Were God's blog. Now I'm wondering why.

Anonymous said...

Saturday has been chores and shopping day for me. I finally joined the "digital age" fully and bought myself a microwave. I haven't had one for years. Yay, accomplishment!

RCB said...

19 is more popular than you are in the Netherlands? Is that a fact, young lady? Well, we'll just see about that!

Angie said...

LOL Hello to the Netherlands? Yeah I get 3 hits a day from your locale. Guam.. 19. It doesn't count if you are all the the hits Mister!

RCB said...

Well, excuse me for being alive. I guess I must be doing something wrong, because I get one hit from your locale and zero from Guam... :(( If I weren't a Mister or gentle man (yes, that's two words), I'd say... DAMN!

Azra said...

Last year, for my cousins Bachelorette party, she insisted on a Playboy theme and we all had to dress up like bunnies. Thank the Lord there was no Hefner type there.

I have a reader from The Vatican City. For a few crazy minutes, I genuinely hoped that it wasn't the Pope. I mean, what would he say about all the foul language on my page? ;P

Angie said...

Awwwww don't be that way! :(

Too funny! My Mom reads my blog so I worry what she thinks of me sometimes. I think the Pope would love you!

Angie said...

Ooooh my very first stalker!

You are quite possibly a trend setter then! :D

Did you make popcorn in it yet?

Steve Bailey said...

Congratulations on the Guam thing... I'm huge in Guantanamo Bay personally. Anyways love your blog as always. Gotta go though. Gotta go "use the restroom" then post about it on Facebook.

Linda Medrano said...

I'm friends with Meg on FB. She's very good people and if she stalked me from Guam, I'd be delighted. I have more people who read me from Nigeria for some reason, men and women. Weird. I do love Nigerians so it must be osmosis. I have my son and his family here. The six of them arrived last evening and the whole house is wrecked, but I don't care. Best of all, we have their little mini-schnauzer named Lola and she and Harry are best friends. If I can just keep Honey (not best friends with Lola) from eating her, it'll be a good day.

Angie said...

I would love to have Meg as a stalker! Hmmm I don't have any Nigerian following either.

Left Coast Guy said...


Ok, I have to call your bluff. You're scamming with Guam. I can't believe you have to prop up sagging popularity by claiming there are that many people there. Look I know for a fact the numbers don't calculate because I have been there (never again!). I can tell you unequivocally that there are two fisherman on the pier, 14 out on fishing boats, and 25 B-52 bombers hoarding what's left of the flat space on the island. There ain't no room left for the Internet. I'm sure things haven't changed that much in 18 years. Internet. Right.

Fred Miller said...

I don't know whether to water my flowers or work out.

Meg said...

Left Coast Guy, we have internet and cable TV now! High speed internet even, no dial up. But no navigation for our cars, not that we'd need it. But other than that, sounds about the same. Well, you left out the boonie dogs, stray cats and yard birds. They're still here too.

Elly Lou said...

Am I the only one who's still stuck on the edible massage candle? Clearly they're standard practice in Guam and the Netherlands but I'm pretty fuzzy on how such a thing would work. Not that I'm asking for an instructional video. I'm pretty sure I DON'T want to know. Yeesh.

Angie said...

Fred, Work out by the flowers and water them with your sweat.


I didn't think it sounded appealing at all. I am not sure what sort of person comes up with that idea but I'd imagine the conversation in their head went something like... "Surely other people like to eat wax off their lover's body. I should do something with this!"

Left Coast Guy said...

Yardbird! I forgot all about the yardbird!


Anonymous said...

Angie- I'm rather concerned about the VAST NUMBER OF PEOPLE asking me about making popcorn today. I didn't realize popcorn was mandatory. I heated up pizza today and thought that was sufficient. I'm still getting used to this thing. I guess I'll go get a bag of popcorn tomorrow. On the plus side, it'll make my house smell good. Unless I burn it. Which I probably will. Remind me why I got a microwave again?

Angie said...

hahaha Well I only asked because new microwaves have the "popcorn" button. My new one has a button for baby food, soften butter, hot dog, etc. Tons of buttons I won't use but my kids seem pretty stoked about the popcorn one.

Miss Sassy Pants said...

HOORAY for no grandchildren.

Like, a big hooray.

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