Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Fun Haters.. the party was just getting started!

I would like to discuss a recent trend that has me a bit worried. Today I was told that illegal immigrants are starting to head back across the borders because it's easier to get a job back home. I do not know if it's true and I am not going to bother to corroborate it either. Why? Because I'm lazy that way, that's why. What I DO know, is that it's frightening to think that we've become so undesirable that people don't want to sneak in to our big American party.

The US used to be like a really hip (I said hip.. shoot me) disco (I'm not even old enough to have been in a disco). Back in the day a few years ago we were the hot spot. Sure, old people were leaving and going to places like Costa Rica and shit, but hey... now that I think of it that doesn't sound half bad. I digress. We used to be the sort of night club that was exclusive. Your name needed to be on the list. If your name wasn't on the list, the big velvet rope of America was clicked shut. Back of the line, Bucko. Then there would be some sort of illegal back door sneaking or maybe you'd know someone who knew someone who knew a guy who could get your name on the list... or at the very least get you a fake ID of someone who was already in the club, right?

Well not anymore, or so I'm told. Now... we're like an empty warehouse that 10 hours ago was hosting the coolest rave in the world. The rave got busted, people went home, and now it's just us Americans here with a shit load of empty water bottles and a stray ecstasy pill melting in the corner. Nope.. a junkie got it. Okay just us and the water bottles now.

In order to right the wrong that is this mass exodus to tropical Guadalajara (or wherever), I am going to provide a few good reasons for sticking around.

1. We get a tons of hours at work and you don't have to take time off at all! You know how those fancy pants European nations have that mandatory time off they get? All that sissy sick time? Bank holidays? Yeah... what a bunch of crap. YOU WANT TO WORK! Come to the United States!

2. Check out our obesity levels! You're going to be awfully sorry when you go back home and find out there's no Mickey D's nearby. Yes, sir. Obviously the eating game is full on here. When you're looking all slim and you're forced to cook your own food with real vegetables you get from a farmer... you're going to wish you had stayed. Just sayin...

3. You probably can't get Jersey Shore where you come from. Be jealous. Be very jealous because they are going to Italy in the coming season and Snooki is going to get in a car accident (Thank you Jacob for helping me understand). When you don't know what happens between her and The Situation, don't come crying to me mmmkay? Also... your ability to fist pump, FAIL. Without constant practice you're going to lose it.

4. This is special for those of you fleeing the Midwest for your home countries. I bet you don't have extreme climate change. What this means to you is one season of wardrobe. Extreme climate variations allow you to be appreciative. Idle hands are the devil's play things. Remember that when the rest of us are shoveling snow and you're out there being all... uh... devil's play thingish.

Sorry... shiny object... where was I? Oh yeah. Does anyone want to take me with them? I am open to the following illegal border crossings... Canada, Panama, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Scotland, Italy, and England.

(Unless Jim at work lied to me because I looked really gullible today and believe most things people tell me when they are reading from websites that look newsish... in which case let's pretend this never happened)


Gorilla Bananas said...

Yeah, it must be depressing living in a place with so many fat-assess. Like getting caught up in a herd of elephants. You're welcome to hang out with my tribe in the Congo. Climbing trees really tones up the butt. I haven't seen your butt, but I'm assuming it's not as taut as a gorilla's, which is nothing to be ashamed about.

Azra said...

Hahaha! To be completely honest Angie, I was one of the people who once dream't of crossing the ocean and making a home for myself on American soil. In fact, I loved the idea of New York so much it bordered on obsession. I'd spend all my high school days dreaming of leaving SA and moving to New York and how cool my life would be...

Then 9/11 happened. And I was like, "err..ok never-mind". One of my best friends lives in Chicago - they emigrated in 1998. And around that time she said she experienced a lot of "hate" and discrimination because of her brown skin and the terror attacks... and she's not even Muslim, she's Presbyterian and her dad is a Pastor! After that I changed my mind.

I guess this economic crises doesn't help anyone either huh? And sadly it affects everyone... even us in this little country called South Africa.

wagthedad said...

I had no idea about this one. To listen to the whiney "send them back where they came from, but not until they've mowed my lawn" people, you'd think America's melting pot was overflowing and pouring scum all over the nice, clean stove.

Man. On the other hand, I did read once that, over the course of the 19th and early 20th centuries, with the huge waves of immigrants coming over from Europe, somewhere between 25 and 30% of people actually went back.

It's not for everybody.

America, fuck yeah!

Angie said...

Taut as a Gorilla's butt is how I hope to have my backside described on my death bed! It's like you know me. ~sigh~ haha

Heck I still dream about living the NYC life from time to time and my only experience with NY was that it seemed dirty. A kick ass loft, great delis, night life, being a Carrie Bradshaw type. It just makes me wanna be all Marlo Thomas ala That Girl!!

I have had a serious love/hate relationship with this country for a long time. There are those who will say, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem." Most of the time I see things I would like to change about this place and I don't know what part of the solution I could be. It's not for everyone. You got that right. I don't care how you get here... legal or illegal. Just pay taxes like I do and we're all good. I'm simple that way.

Linda Medrano said...

My husband, Alex, is Navajo. He says everybody should leave and go back where they came from.

Angie said...

Since he was here first I'm not asking Alex to take me for an illegal border crossing! I wanna go somewhere newwww!

Left Coast Guy said...

Yes, in fact, they are turning around and going home…some of them…others are just being chopped into little pieces by the drug cartels and dropped on the stairs of the local policia. It’s really our fault you know. First, we let Elis Island go to shit. Who wants to come to a country that can’t even keep up their front steps? Second, the refugees are taking all the jobs away from the honest border violators. They just want a job so they can take their pay back home before it’s taxed. And third, if you put up a 20 foot fence, you force them to buy a 21 foot ladder…and take it with them in case they have to go back home again.

It’s not the road paved with gold like it was in 1900. Then you only had to fight disease, sleep in the streets of New York City until you became a public charge, and then get deported back to your country. Yeah, it’s a different world now.

By the way, I work for immigration ;-)


Angie said...

Dean? Is this your way of saying you're going to try to stop me from getting someone to sneak me across the border to Canada? I was only kidding about fleeing the country... sort of.

Fred Miller said...

I have this kinky desire to move to Iceland. Not that I want to pay the 25% tax on prescriptions. I just want to be a Viking and talk all Viking and chop off fish heads for a living. I've even learned a little Icelandic.

Angie said...

I only speak Icelandic when using Google translate.. and only one time when someone told me they liked my "commercial". Still not sure what that meant.

RCB said...

Yes, isn't that wonderful about the US - you don't even have to take time off. Just keep on working 'till you drop. Here in norther Europe things are slightly different. Take me, for example. I only work on Mondays in August (because I have to teach rich law students coming from everywhere around the world); the rest of the year I never work on Mondays. I teach 4 hours on Tuesdays, 6 on both Wednesdays and Thursdays and only 2 on Fridays... and I can afford a two-floor apartment and my fridge is never ever empty... The only absolute downside to living here is the ridiculous amount of tax we have to pay, as in 50%. Do you know that song, 'Did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to go when still have the feeling that you wanted to stay'? That's how I often feel.

P.S. I told you a while ago that you were still very young, and here's the proof: 'I'm not even old enough to have been in a disco'. I rest my case (though I know no one was arguing).

RCB said...

P.S. northerNNNNNNNN (It's too early to type...)

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