The US used to be like a really hip (I said hip.. shoot me) disco (I'm not even old enough to have been in a disco). Back in the day a few years ago we were the hot spot. Sure, old people were leaving and going to places like Costa Rica and shit, but hey... now that I think of it that doesn't sound half bad. I digress. We used to be the sort of night club that was exclusive. Your name needed to be on the list. If your name wasn't on the list, the big velvet rope of America was clicked shut. Back of the line, Bucko. Then there would be some sort of illegal back door sneaking or maybe you'd know someone who knew someone who knew a guy who could get your name on the list... or at the very least get you a fake ID of someone who was already in the club, right?
Well not anymore, or so I'm told. Now... we're like an empty warehouse that 10 hours ago was hosting the coolest rave in the world. The rave got busted, people went home, and now it's just us Americans here with a shit load of empty water bottles and a stray ecstasy pill melting in the corner. Nope.. a junkie got it. Okay just us and the water bottles now.
In order to right the wrong that is this mass exodus to tropical Guadalajara (or wherever), I am going to provide a few good reasons for sticking around.
1. We get a tons of hours at work and you don't have to take time off at all! You know how those fancy pants European nations have that mandatory time off they get? All that sissy sick time? Bank holidays? Yeah... what a bunch of crap. YOU WANT TO WORK! Come to the United States!
2. Check out our obesity levels! You're going to be awfully sorry when you go back home and find out there's no Mickey D's nearby. Yes, sir. Obviously the eating game is full on here. When you're looking all slim and you're forced to cook your own food with real vegetables you get from a farmer... you're going to wish you had stayed. Just sayin...
3. You probably can't get Jersey Shore where you come from. Be jealous. Be very jealous because they are going to Italy in the coming season and Snooki is going to get in a car accident (Thank you Jacob for helping me understand). When you don't know what happens between her and The Situation, don't come crying to me mmmkay? Also... your ability to fist pump, FAIL. Without constant practice you're going to lose it.
4. This is special for those of you fleeing the Midwest for your home countries. I bet you don't have extreme climate change. What this means to you is one season of wardrobe. Extreme climate variations allow you to be appreciative. Idle hands are the devil's play things. Remember that when the rest of us are shoveling snow and you're out there being all... uh... devil's play thingish.
Sorry... shiny object... where was I? Oh yeah. Does anyone want to take me with them? I am open to the following illegal border crossings... Canada, Panama, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Scotland, Italy, and England.
(Unless Jim at work lied to me because I looked really gullible today and believe most things people tell me when they are reading from websites that look newsish... in which case let's pretend this never happened)