Thursday, August 11, 2011

AARP Saved My Relationship - A post for the future me

I am the type of Internet surfer that anti-virus software is made for. I'm an indiscriminate clicker of sites that link off of sites that link off of other sites that contain a video with comments with links in them that discusses relationships and then directs you to... <Drum roll please> AARP.

Perhaps I need to be more specific in my searches. Nevertheless, I was intrigued when I realized I was on the AARP website after clicking on a link about keeping the spark alive in my relationship. It was also very fitting considering AARP is for people 55 and over, which is in my future AND I currently don't have anything to "spark" so maybe that's in my future as well! And so here I was at work... looking into my future... assuming a future relationship... predicting problems with our spark... and fixing that crap before it happens. 

I stepped out of my DeLorean and began reading... 

Apparently some guy named Jay Hurt wrote a book about relationships. Someone at AARP said... "I'm out of ideas for my weekly article. I just read this book. I'll just write about that. So what if it doesn't really fit the title. I'll make it work." Shortly thereafter, this link was born: Five Simple Ways To Keep The Spark Alive In Your Relationship. I'm not going to lie, when I think AARP I think lowered sexual activity. That makes me think of Cialis/Viagra. Then I started thinking Sex Tips for the Cialis Set. Not so much. 

It's not Jay's fault. They asked him for a few highlights from his list. Jay didn't know I would be reading the article. He probably didn't expect that I was looking for ways to keep the spark alive and not basic tenets of relationships. If he did I am sure he would have either said, "That's really not what I write about." or maybe even, "Hey great idea, let me think about it and come up with some real juicy tips for ya!" Instead we get things like: 

Communicate clearly and effectively with your mate. 
I don't suppose he means something like, "Listen up jerk face. I've told you 1000 times that the dirty clothes hamper is where your socks belong. If I find one more soiled and nasty rotten cheese smelling sweat sock next to the bed or in the corner of the bathroom, I'm going to wrap it around your neck and strangle you in your sleep." 

Don't do anything you wouldn't advise a friend to do. 
Well clearly Jay doesn't know that I'm a bit more wild and open to new ideas than my friends are. If he did he would have said something like, "Whatever you do, don't tell your friends you wrapped yourselves in cling film and danced in the back yard chanting and smearing each other with Vaseline."

Decide if you can live with the flaws of your mate. 
Hmmm again, this one doesn't really fall into the "keeping the spark alive" category now does it? This is something really more suited to Jay's original intent and certainly not something the article's author thought through. It might be easier though to keep the spark alive if you don't want to kill your mate. Unless of course you're both into some heavy duty S&M, in which case... whatever floats your boat, trips your trigger, raises your flag. 

Continue to date throughout the relationship
Okay, raise your hand if you think this one is alrighttttttttttttttt! Yeah, I think it would be easier to want to have sex once in awhile with someone if you're usually having sex with someone else. As a matter of fact I think Craigslist has a whole section devoted to just this very thing. 
"Darling, I have a date with that hot guy in Systems tonight. We're going to probably have a nice dinner, go to a club, and then back to his place for some naked time. Do you want me to bring anything home... aside from an STI I mean?" 
"Just the video tape, babe."

Obviously I didn't learn a lot today aside from 1) AARP's journalist needs to learn to write the title after writing the article. The current method of picking a topic and then writing about something else isn't working. 2) I might have the wrong ideas about what keeping the spark alive after 55 is all about.  3) I sometimes share too much on my blog. 

Love ya! Have a great day! That's a great color on you! Did you do something different with your hair? It looks amazing! 

14 comments:

DeanD said...

Damn I don't know what to say about that as I ain't there yet (keeping the spark thingy...uh...sparking). But I have now begun to wonder about the sanity of people writing articles on the net. Damn. I depend on these people for advice...

Dean (I love being first commenter...hurry up post already!)
http://leftcoastguy.com

Angie said...

I'm not there either, but I'll read anything it seems. I'm also worried about the sanity of the people who write things on the net, myself in particular. :)

Gorilla Bananas said...

Are you sure the "continue to date..." advice didn't mean "continue to date the person you're have a relationship with"? Dating someone else sounds way too energetic for the over 55s.

RCB said...

So you have a problem with dirty socks on the floor and in the sink and on your television and in your drawers and anywhere but in the dirty clothes hamper? Well, there goes Florence, Angie...

Angie said...

Gosh GB, never occurred to me. :)

RCB.. That hurt. :( lol

Fred Miller said...

I think this is what led me to humor writing. When I tried to be serious, I was just as full of shit as when I wrote humor. All writing is bullshit, from The Today Show all the way down to . . . well . . . me. I love it. Takes the pressure off.

Angie said...

Fred,
I completely understand. One day I will actually talk about the serious shit that plagues everyone's minds. Not today. :)

Leauxra said...

If I had a nemesis, it would be AARP. Those fuckers have been sending me invites since I turned 26. I SERIOUSLY doubt they will give me the senior discount if I fork over my $15 for a two year membership and tote bag.

BlackLOG said...

26 years together 14 of them married I put the success down to

1) Lot of laughing together
2) No children
3) a lot in commom
4) still retain our own interests
5) No children
6) resepect for each other
7) No children
8) making good use of our time at the weekend - beacuse did I mention no children....

Ok it's not for everyone and it probably helps that Mrs B has a good career but in an already over populated world it's a shame that more people don't buck the pressure of society to reproduce like rabbits....

Angie said...

Leauxra,
No kidding! My tenant gets things from them all the time and he just turned 29. I am a little jealous really.

BlackLOG,
Having kids isn't necessarily for everyone that's for sure. I think you'll see more people choosing not to have children as the economy continues to worsen.

Anonymous said...

every time ive read one of those Cosmo-like "keep the spark alive" articles (not that i read those mags, mind you... i'm all MAN, baby!), i cant help but notice what a general load of crap they all are. no real useful info at all.

Slyde
www.slydesblog.com

Angie said...

Slyde,
I'm all woman and I think most of them are a load of crap. LOL

Linda Medrano said...

Where are the tips on spanking? Where are the tips on bondage? Where are the tips on where and how to apply that sparkly body make up? Where is the discussion of the best toys in the business and how to use them? AARP is being ridiculous. Keep dating.

Angie said...

Linda,
I KNOW! Ok so I'll help you out. With spanking other S&M practices... pick a safe word. Try to avoid using the word "more". Best toys, Eden Fantasys. Sparkly body makeup- Tell him to use his hands. Bondage- Might I recommend scarves, nylon rope, and ankle/wrist cuffs. (Or so I'm told... I read a lot ya know).

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