Saturday, July 9, 2011

Why Angie Doesn't Wear Chaps: Part 1 of a 1 part Discussion

Hot Harley Nights is back again. Each year I experience even the smallest bit of this annual event, whether that be the parade or simply watching the attendees on their way to and from, I am reminded that there are reasons that I do not wear bikini bottoms with chaps.

1. I don't have any chaps.
2. My ass is flat.
3. My ass jiggles
4. Mostly because of not having chaps.

I'm not hating on myself, just keeping it real. Now that being said, if I had the chaps and the right bikini bottoms (which apparently is American Flag print ones from Walmart for $7), I would totally wear them around the house... if I were alone and no one saw me. My little sister asked me if I was planning on getting a leather studded bra for the event. The short answer is, no. The long answer is, hell no. I don't need any reason to be mistaken for a skank or a stripper unless I'm in my own home and it's by someone who really loves me dammit.

<A side bar if we may: Can anyone tell me why they call them "Assless Chaps"? Wouldn't they be leather freaking pants if they had the rest of the leather? Aren't chaps, chaps BECAUSE they are assless? >

Plus, I don't have a bike or a man with a bike. I suppose it would be like the other things I own for no reason... the belly dancer costume. Yeah, I will take the classes but let's look at it realistically... I only bought it to wear around my room and I stopped because I was tired of the kids asking me if I was counting change up here. I am not a belly dancer so I really do not need the ensemble. Much like the Catholic school girl skirt and Mary Janes. I'm 37 years old. I really should have gotten the Nun's habit. It's more age appropriate and again, just something I would wear around the house. THAT would be fun to put on when the kids have friends over.

"Dude, is your mom a nun?"
"Well now yeah, but she's fresh out of Catholic school... be glad you showed up this year instead of last. Last year was way awkward. I couldn't have ANYONE over."

No, I think I will save the skank gear for someone with more or less self-esteem than me... or for when I find a man with a great bike. Sure I might swap the bikini bottom get up for the full length 20's swim suit (complete with rubber swim cap), but if the guy is the right guy he will still find it hot right? And I don't mean hot because it's made of a nice itchy wool blend.

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Today I'm going to work with more of Google's suggested hit words. I am going to try to work them into sentences though and see what we get back. I need to talk to the SEO guys and make sure I am doing this right. I don't think I want to have a blog that talks about:

What is sex? Sex is free porn, sex movies, indian sex (20,400,0006,120,000 searches for THAT last month?), and relationships. What is a relationship? Apparently a relationship is counseling, woman sex, man sex, the best sex, and sex jokes.


<This is truly the most painful part of this project. Also possibly the most ridiculous.>  

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