Monday, July 18, 2011

What We're Looking For: A Mind Blowing List of Criteria Part 2 of 2

You've heard it before. Women are looking for one man to fulfill their every need; Men want every woman to fulfill their one need. It makes for a funny little joke, but it's about as far from reality (at least in my world) as it gets. What is it that makes men think that women have this huge list of needs to be met?

Maybe being on my own for such a long period of time has changed the way I look at things, but I know a lot of women who have been married many years that would probably back me up on this. Things have certainly evened out over the past few decades. Personally, I don't want a man to fulfill my every need. Do you know why? Because aside from that pesky sex thing, most of my needs aren't man related.

1. I love to get massages, go to the spa, take a bubble bath surrounded by scented candles, and all that fun stuff. This is going to come as a shock, but I have known how to run my own bath water for a very long time. I don't need a man for that.

True Story- A boyfriend once took me to a very nice hotel for a long weekend get away. It was incredibly relaxing and after a particularly long day of hiking, he treated me to a hot bath with candles. As a surprise, he came in to scrub my back and rinse my hair. It was awkward because I have never had someone wash my hair except at the salon, but it was sweet that he wanted to pamper me. He took my hand and helped me out of the bath, wrapped me in a kick ass robe, and led me by the hand back into the room for a "surprise".

There was a moment of awe and then a moment of panic as we rushed around the room blowing out the 20+ votive candles he had places all over the room to create ambiance. It was an incredibly sweet idea and had he placed the votive candles into little cups or on little plates, we wouldn't have spent the next 2 hours removing red wax from the furniture and carpets of the room. It was still a great weekend... but the smell of that sweet cheap apples and cinnamon wax will stay with me forever.

2. When I am sick, I want to be left alone to sleep off whatever bit of nastiness has dared to enter my being.

3. I have a job. Over the years I've learned how to buckle down when I didn't have enough money for all the things I wanted. I've learned to appreciate small things in life. I don't need your money. That being said, I don't feel the need to financially support you either. I don't have any sort of complex that causes me to feel an overwhelming desire to pay bills that aren't mine.

4. You don't need to listen to my girl talk. I have girlfriends that do this and do it very well. I don't want to hear, "I don't know why you talk to that bitch." I don't know why you talk to your buddy ____ either. Let's just leave that alone shall we?

5. There will be very few times that I will need you to shop with me. If you want to go, fine. I am not going to spend 3 hours in one store looking for the perfect anything. I will ask though that if you hate shopping, just stay home. It frustrates me enough without you sighing and asking me if I am done. Most malls have bars now. Feel free to go watch the game and have a beer. Find a bar with a better TV than you have at home. Eat junk food. Knock yourself out!

So what do I need from you? It's pretty simple really....

1. Humor - You don't need to tell me jokes. Be able to tease me, laugh with me, be teased, etc. Dry humor and quick wit is desired.

2. Passion - If I wanted to be a perfunctory lay I would become a hooker and make a little money on the deal and then you couldn't afford me! Sad! :(

3. Love - If it's going to work, you might need to love me. Maybe you don't think it's required, but it sure as hell makes things a lot easier because sometimes I am not very likable.

4. Understanding - This one might seem tricky. Hell I don't UNDERSTAND me. This might be where that "sure, I'm paying attention" nod comes in handy. I am emotional a couple of days a month. Get over it. These might be good days for you to go fishing, biking, camping, drinking, or diamond buying.

5. Fidelity - How about we don't have sex with other people? Let's be real here... I think you're sexy, but I love you (maybe). First and foremost, please don't hit on my sisters or my friends. You end up looking like a douche and I end up having to hate you. If you feel the need to dip your wick in another person's wax, do me the courtesy of packing your belongings before you go. It takes a lot of energy for me to go around the house and collect all of a person's belongings for the burn bin. I love efficiency.

Am I missing something?


RCB said...

Are you missing something? No, I think that just about covers it, Angie. I might steal a couple of things from you, though, such as 'If I wanted to be a perfunctory lay I would become a hooker and make a little money on the deal and then you couldn't afford me!' unless, of course, you're not in your silent mode. (Mental note: RC, change hooker into gigolo.) I think - nay, I know - you're right about things having evened out over the past few decades genderwise. Still, in my universe I'm probably the only guy who has ever read Deborah Cameron's highly critical The Myth of Mars and Venus as opposed to all the stereotypical nonsense that Oprah and like-minded humblebraggers want us (meaning all women plus one guy) to buy and believe in. Sorry Oprah
- Thumbs up from across the Atlantic!
(You know, the creative speller from, a spin-off of ...)

Gorilla Bananas said...

Far be it that a humble gorilla should comment on your mating prospectus, which seems reasonable and just in nearly all respects. But I do have one tiny suggestion. If you want to be teased, you should let him listen to your girl talk. I heard a lot of girl talk it my circus days, and it often made me grin sadistically.

Angie said...


I have dated men who were far more emotionally needy than myself, and while I do not ever mean to speak for ALL women I can safely say I have avoided those men since. I will have to check out The Myth of Mars and Venus. I have a feeling I would love it.

I have let men hear the girl talk before. One of my best friends often allows her husband to stay in the room during girl talk. He inevitably turns the TV up louder or sighs and leaves the room. There is only so much boring vagina talk a person can handle I guess?

Linda Medrano said...

when I was 24, I was divorced with two kids. What I really needed was a wife. Someone to watch the kids while I worked, to make a meal for me when I came home, and to do our laundry. Hell, I would have supported her too, and never asked for sex either.

Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress said...

Nope, you've covered it ALL. And well. Very well. I think you need to talk some sense into some of my girlfriends.

Angie said...

LMAO I've said that before. I guess that would explain why my sister thought I might be a lesbian. Sheeesh. You want a wife and all of the sudden you're sleeping with women... wait... done that. I mean... LOL

Angie said...

When I publish my memoirs, they can read it as a cautionary tale. That will teach them!

Fred Miller said...

Neil Patrick Harris once said that the best way to listen to a woman is to think "My Sharona" and nod your head in time to the beat. They totally buy it, unless they've seen that interview with Harris.

Angie said...

That would work on me. I'm not ashamed. :)

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