The weekend here at the Whatevermylastnameis hacienda has been a Hodge podge of everything a person would want in a weekend. From the time I stepped off the treadmill Friday evening until this very moment I have been on the edge of my seat, waiting for the next bit of wild and reckless wonderment. Did I oversell it? Thought so. Okay it wasn't all exciting, calling back to the memories of my misspent youth or anything, but I did have SOME fun.
Friday evening, my daughter and her boyfriend interrupted naked time. Naked time isn't always naked, but it is one of the rare times I have the house to myself and I can prance around in my underwear without having to explain why I am prancing. "Mom? What are you doing? Why are you moving that way?" she might ask. I would have to answer, "I'm prancing, not like it's any of your business!"
I stepped into the dining room, expecting to be alone. No dice. Back up the stairs I go to put on something less underwear like.
"What are your plans tonight, Mom? Zach and I have dinner plans... " says the lovely Princess Ponysparkles.
"You kids have fun. I am planning to drink myself to my happy place." I said with a big smile.
Obviously my drinking pleases the girl child, because she got a big grin on her face and proceeded to recount for her man an incident that made her childhood memories a little more technicolor.
"Do you remember the night when I was reading horoscopes and I read yours and you said it was off and that you were probably an Ophiuchus, then you and Jacob kept repeating it and fist bumping each other and high-fiving for like 20 minutes?" she recalled.
"Well yeah, but that was pretty funny. Besides it wasn't like I was alone. Jacob was doing it too." I replied... like a child myself, shifting a little of the blame onto someone who wasn't home to defend himself.
"Uh huh. What about the time you made me hold you because you were cold and your... " and I cut her off and said...
"Yeah, well what about the time you came home drunk 4 hours before curfew? Remember that? I asked you why you smelled like smoke and you said, 'My friends were smoking.' so I asked why your breath smelled like alcohol and you said, 'They were drinking too.' and it was only 8 PM. Who does that?" I said.
"You, that year you quit drinking for months then decided to whoop it up on Halloween and passed out on the phone to France after 2 drinks." she blurted and started laughing.
The kids left and I made myself a nice tasty cocktail. I moved my happy ass to the patio and set up my evening of solo debauchery. Much thanks, by the way, to my out of town friend for letting me gab on the phone FOREVER and only telling me once, "you said that already." Also a shout out to my girl Shannon for making her way to my house late Friday night when she received the following phone call:
Me: What are you doing?
Shannon: Driving back from Walmart.
Me: Meet me on the corner. I'll bring vodka. You bring a mixer. I'm out of mixers.
Shannon: Which corner?
Me: Any corner. Who cares. We'll just sit on it. (this actually seemed like an okay idea after 2 slices of lunch meat, 3 crackers, and 3 big home style cocktails)
Me (text): Where are you?
Shannon (text): On your front steps.
And since every story should have a moral or we should take something positive away from every experience... I take the following.
1. If I've said it once, I've said it 1000 times. You need more than lunch meat and crackers if you plan to really drink properly.
2. My friends are great for not allowing me to drink alone.
3. I sit down too hard when I've been drinking and apparently concrete steps are unkind to my ass because I have two bruises on my behind now from thinking it's okay to just plop down and get my gab on.
4. My boyshort underwear cover more than a bikini bottom and while it might be tempting to go out and prance in the yard in them.. it still feels like underwear so I won't do that.
So kids, what did you do this weekend and what did you learn in the process?