Sunday, July 24, 2011

Weekend Review and Lessons Learned

Before I jump right into today's buffet of blog, I hope that everyone can take a moment to say a little prayer to whatever God you pray to to help ease the pain and suffering of those who lost loved ones in Norway on Friday. I've been assured that my extended family still in Norway are all safe, sound, and coping.

The weekend here at the Whatevermylastnameis hacienda has been a Hodge podge of everything a person would want in a weekend. From the time I stepped off the treadmill Friday evening until this very moment I have been on the edge of my seat, waiting for the next bit of wild and reckless wonderment. Did I oversell it? Thought so. Okay it wasn't all exciting, calling back to the memories of my misspent youth or anything, but I did have SOME fun.

Friday evening, my daughter and her boyfriend interrupted naked time. Naked time isn't always naked, but it is one of the rare times I have the house to myself and I can prance around in my underwear without having to explain why I am prancing. "Mom? What are you doing? Why are you moving that way?" she might ask. I would have to answer, "I'm prancing, not like it's any of your business!"

I stepped into the dining room, expecting to be alone. No dice. Back up the stairs I go to put on something less underwear like. 

"What are your plans tonight, Mom? Zach and I have dinner plans... " says the lovely Princess Ponysparkles. 
"You kids have fun. I am planning to drink myself to my happy place." I said with a big smile. 

Obviously my drinking pleases the girl child, because she got a big grin on her face and proceeded to recount for her man an incident that made her childhood memories a little more technicolor. 

"Do you remember the night when I was reading horoscopes and I read yours and you said it was off and that you were probably an Ophiuchus, then you and Jacob kept repeating it and fist bumping each other and high-fiving for like 20 minutes?" she recalled. 

"Well yeah, but that was pretty funny. Besides it wasn't like I was alone. Jacob was doing it too." I replied... like a child myself, shifting a little of the blame onto someone who wasn't home to defend himself.

"Uh huh. What about the time you made me hold you because you were cold and your... " and I cut her off and said...

"Yeah, well what about the time you came home drunk 4 hours before curfew? Remember that? I asked you why you smelled like smoke and you said, 'My friends were smoking.' so I asked why your breath smelled like alcohol and you said, 'They were drinking too.' and it was only 8 PM. Who does that?" I said. 

"You, that year you quit drinking for months then decided to whoop it up on Halloween and passed out on the phone to France after 2 drinks." she blurted and started laughing. 

Point Alex. 

The kids left and I made myself a nice tasty cocktail. I moved my happy ass to the patio and set up my evening of solo debauchery. Much thanks, by the way, to my out of town friend for letting me gab on the phone FOREVER and only telling me once, "you said that already."  Also a shout out to my girl Shannon for making her way to my house late Friday night when she received the following phone call: 

Me: What are you doing? 
Shannon: Driving back from Walmart. 
Me: Meet me on the corner. I'll bring vodka. You bring a mixer. I'm out of mixers.
Shannon: Which corner? 
Me: Any corner. Who cares. We'll just sit on it. (this actually seemed like an okay idea after 2 slices of lunch meat, 3 crackers, and 3 big home style cocktails)
Shannon: Okay.
Me (text): Where are you?
Shannon (text): On your front steps.

And since every story should have a moral or we should take something positive away from every experience... I take the following. 

1. If I've said it once, I've said it 1000 times. You need more than lunch meat and crackers if you plan to really drink properly. 
2. My friends are great for not allowing me to drink alone. 
3. I sit down too hard when I've been drinking and apparently concrete steps are unkind to my ass because I have two bruises on my behind now from thinking it's okay to just plop down and get my gab on. 
4. My boyshort underwear cover more than a bikini bottom and while it might be tempting to go out and prance in the yard in them.. it still feels like underwear so I won't do that. 

So kids, what did you do this weekend and what did you learn in the process? 


Miss Sassy Pants said...

I LOVE when I see my mom drunk.

Makes my day.

RCB said...

Well, well... prancing around when it's naked time. I used to do that, too, until my neighbor across the street decided to put his television right in front of his big window, so he could pretend to be watching television. Damn! So I don't do that anymore. I know, I should've closed the drapes, but when you're prancing around, you don't think about those little details, right? As for your question, what did I do this weekend and learned in the process, well, I had a 'few' drinks and I know now that the best drinks are those that are on the house. They just taste so much better. Too bad next time it will be MY house. I also learned that I had a dead animal somewhere underneath my car seat and that that's why there was this strange smell... You see - never too old to learn (and clean).


P.S. I also learned that teaching my students the art of sucking up might not have been a very wise decision. It's bound to back-fire.

Angie said...

Mom's are the funniest drunk people EVER!

Angie said...

Prancing should be reason enough for closing the curtains. Even as a woman, I am too shy with my prancing to do it with the curtain open. Your neighbor is sly and you were right to find his TV placement suspect. Have you thought of reporting him? I am about to go read your Art of Sucking Up article (just for entertainment of course, not lessons). :)

Something is dead under there? For the love of God man, get it out! Well I trust by now that you actually have. Were you able to identify the vermin?

Linda Medrano said...

Well, Angie, I still prance around in underwear in front of open windows and sing at the same time. I want my neighbors to see me and be intimidated. (Be care of her! She's a crazy bitch!) My dogs join my singing with howls. Yeah, this is after I've had a couple of "home made cocktails", but hey! It's fun!

Angie said...

I think cocktails should be required for prancing! :) FUN!

RCB said...

Listen, if you're going to read my Art of Sucking Up article, you should've said 'to learn from the master' - just to get into the spirit of things. But I guess you've got too much character. (See, sucking up is EASY.)

As for the dead-n-smelly animal that mistook my car seat for a pyramid, yes, I managed to get it out. It was some kind of big fat frog or so. How the hell did that thing get into my car (and it had the nerve to die and rot, too)!

As for the prancing with the curtains open... I live near Amsterdam. It's the only way!

Angie said...

I read it smarty pants! :)
Is prancing in Amsterdam easier than in other countries? Do you live on the water? Prancing on the deck could make ya wet ya know.

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