Thursday, July 28, 2011

Smut Day - You have GOT to be kidding me!

It's smut day at the office! Today's issue... Cosmo May 2011. If  you get a chance to check it out, turn to page 141. 75 Sex Moves His Ex Didn't Do. These are always enlightening and once in awhile they throw in a little infuriating for good measure. FOR INSTANCE.... whose freaking idea was it to print the following:

11.  "Past girlfriends should have come up with cool, brand new positions I had never heard of, then showed me how to do them." - Esteban, 18

Listen up, Esteban. You're 18. If your past girlfriends didn't have cool brand new positions to show you... it's because you, young man, are quite obviously a whore and they were not. If you are dating girls around your own age, your PAST girlfriends probably weren't old enough to buy porn to come up with new ideas for your kinky, hormone ridden, perv seeking ass. Marcus across the way thinks you should go find a cougar and get your eyes scratched out. I tend to agree.

Let's be real here kiddo... if they had shown up on Friday after the football game and provided you with some new positions and they were GOOD at it, you'd have likely enjoyed the sex and then told everyone they were whores. How did she know that position? Why is she so good at it?  If you're this bored with the current sex positions in your repertoire then I pity you in your 30s or 40s. Poor you, all tricked out by 18! Oh, the humanity!

Esteban? Can I call you Esteban... since it's your name? Okay then... Pop on over to The Good, The Bad, The Worse. Making out is the best part of the whole deal. Don't rush it. 

9 comments:

Heather said...

Maybe by "past girlfriends" he means his hand and 3 long showers a day?? I honestly can't think of any other explanation of "Esteban's" comment at 18!??

Linda Medrano said...

Oh Esteban! What a silly goose that boy is! Yeah, girls should share that with him so he can dump them and go use it on somebody else. What a prince. Or wait, I know it's a word that begins with Pri.. so it's not Parrot.

Thank you for the shout-out, Angie! And the laugh at Esteban's expense! Little turkey!

Steve Bailey said...

Hilarious! I couldn't agree more.... btw... I wrote this comment while performing a new position. Typing while lying on the kitchen counter. Kinda uncomfortable to be honest!

RCB said...

Well, good morning to you, too (here it's 9:25 AM thank you very much). New moves, huh? Well, I think 18-year-olds are so obsessed with their lollipops and everyone else is so interested in reading about lollipops (no age limit there), I'm not surprised that someone thought it was a good idea to print this nonsense. I'm 41 and I'm not interested in new moves. GOOD moves will do just fine :)

wagthedad said...

Esteban, Esteban. Is it superfluous to say that it doesn't MATTER if your girlfriends or ex-girlfriends teach you new positions or not, because you won't last long enough to enjoy them?

And really. In this day and age, are there any positions that most healthy 18-year-old boys don't already know about?

Hilarious. Thanks for making my day! I'm going to be making up songs in praise of Esteban.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Why can't he invent some positions himself? This young man is obviously used to being spoon fed.

Fred Miller said...

This inspires me to put more effort into raising Sean properly. "Boy, it's up to you to think up your own new sexual positions. And wipe your piss off the toilet seat!"

Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress said...

Ah, that Esteban. Reminds me so very much of the boy I met last night who tried to work his magic. When I asked him how old he was, he said he was born in 1993. Thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to go to jail.

Angie said...

Heather,
No kidding! 18 and bored with his hand. LOL

Linda,
Pri... VERY good choice of word!

Steve,
Is that like planking?

RCB,
I'm still interested in new moves.. just not complicated ones!

Wag,
I can't wait to hear the song!

GB,
I thought all 18 year olds dreamed up new stuff all day every day. This kid is obviously lacking in imagination.

Fred,
hahaha I love the fact that you're going to teach him to wipe off the seat!

Elizabeth,
OMG... gotta love when you're hit on by the youngins huh? Always a split second of flattery followed by a sense of disgust. haha

My Zimbio
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