Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Penis Removal Is Not Acceptable. Try this instead.

Before I get started with this I just want to put this out there. I think whomever the blonde chick superdy-duper profiler is on Criminal Minds (rerun) tonight is a sh*t actress. I swear to freaking God I just saw her "smize". If you are an alumni of the Tyra Banks school of acting, just go away.

Alright then, now that I got that out of my system let's move on to what's really on my mind. What is the deal with being so mad you'd cut off a man's penis? Hey, we've all been pissed off before. Nearly everyone I know, male and female, has been screwed over once, twice, three times or more. Mrs. Becker was so mad about the state of affairs that she actually drugged her husband, cut it off, threw it in the garbage disposal, turned it on, and then called 911.

Apparently this argument began over guests staying at the residence. Who in the hell was staying there? Lizzie Borden? Lorena Bobbit? For the love of God, who in the hell pissed someone off so much that they cut off someone's penis? This is really over done lady! Seriously, there are better more mentally torturous ways to screw over the person who pissed you off without going to jail! Let's help shall we?

1. Talk incessantly about the state of the relationship- This is my favorite because it's been done to me. It damn near drove me in-freaking-sane. ONE FULL YEAR of hearing nothing except how much you wonder where things are going and how you think things could improve if only... I almost cut off my own head. If I'd had a penis, I'd have been a homosexual, but aside from that I'd have wanted to cut off my own penis. You can't go to jail for making someone so dejected that they want to cut off their own penis.

2. Take a liking to whatever music the other person hates the most- I find this to be a special kind of torture. It's very possible that the other person's least favorite kind of music is also your nemesis. However the enemy of thy enemy is thy friend, n'est-ce pas? If Big Band music drives them absofreakinlutely crazy embrace it like a mofo. Play it at home, in the car, book special concert dates when possible that revolve around it, give them nothing but related items for gifts. For one ex, this would have been any song made after 1985. :) Works!

Do you have any other tips for driving your partner crazy (not in the rip off your clothes and take you kind of way)? Have you ever been in a relationship where the other person did something so grating that you were tempted to harm them? Do tell!


Gorilla Bananas said...

The CIA should employ you for advice on enhanced interrogation techniques. There was a Russian woman who set fire to her ex-husband's penis - you'll find a post about it somewhere in my archives. If memory serves, I disapproved of her behaviour.

Miss Sassy Pants said...

In the garbage disposal??? Oh god, that is just overkill.

My BF biggest pet peeve is people slamming doors and music that is just a few notches too loud. Therefore whenever he starts to drive me crazy those are the first two things I do. =)

Anonymous said...

If I recall correctly, the Lorena Bobbit case set a legal precedent making it completely legal to cut off your husband's penis, as long as you're angry and he deserves it.

The Bobbit jury acquitted her on the grounds that it was an act of rage and not a premeditated act, along with mitigating circumstances. I'd be willing to bet Becker's lawyer uses that case as precedent, and she gets away with it.

Angie said...

I think my services could be better employed elsewhere. :) For the record, Sir, you should note that I do not believe cutting off a person's genitalia is part of the "how to fight fair" handbook and I do not approve of the use of this tactic.

Angie said...

I cry. No one likes that. Sometimes I do it just for fun. :D

Angie said...

I sincerely hope she is prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I'm sure there will be a well publicized trial everyone can follow to find out. I also suspect that some fame-hungry defense attorney out there that will pick up her case for free.

pinkim said...

I think spending ALL of their money on cute pink stuff is within bounds don't you...and then make them look at it all when you get home...

Linda Medrano said...

Angie, the worst thing I ever did was to egg a man's house. This was not when I was a child or even a young adult. This was an act of rage by a fully mature woman. I didn't get caught, but if I had, I would have been arrested for an act of vandalism. And no, I'd never do it again. I was really embarrassed over my behavior. Yeah, he had it coming, but even so.

I think salt is good. Slipping in the sugar bowl can be very fun. You can also turn his dress pants into bermuda shorts. That's another fun thing. Now I know you are thinking these are childish, and they may be, but they won't land you in jail.

In a paraphrase of our former VP, the cute blond dumb one, "A penis is a terrible thing to waste". Dan Quayle? Something like that.

Physical harm to a person is never on my list of okay things to do. If you are really mad, make up a batch of those almond scented cookies, but if he dies, you're on your own.

RCB said...

She threw it in the garbage disposal??? Damn! I'm sure you would never do such a thing ... ever? :)

Angie said...

No.FREAKIN.WAY. Absolutely not something I would do. I don't have the stomach for it. I might guilt someone into doing it themselves...

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