Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Most of the dirty things I know I learned on the school bus

I've heard some really stupid theories about farm kids in my day. I addressed the cow-tipping thing the other day. I've since learned that cow-tipping is much like snipe hunting. It's a farm kid's way of getting stupid city people to wander around aimlessly at night stepping in cow shit while the farm kid sits back and laughs. It's all fun and games until someone is violated by a horny bull, I'm sure.

So uh, yeah. In 2001 I moved to Denver. Being a small town/farm girl in a big city made me feel pretty alone for all of about 2 days. After that, I practiced my farmer wave at everyone in the neighborhood and trapped myself a friend, as you do. This couple was a riot! They were city kids from the get go and knew all about all the bad places in town to stay away from, where the cool places were, what stores had the freshest produce... you know all the awesome stuff. Over the course of our "getting to know you" iced teas (long or not), it was made known that I grew up on a farm. 

The husband said, "Oooh farm girls are naughty. It's from seeing animals have sex. They know more than city girls." 

My face, as you can imagine, looked much like this: 

"You're joking right? By the time I saw animals having sex I knew way more than that. I rode the school bus." I said. 

His face then looked a lot like mine. What? Surely he couldn't have been wrong all this time! Farm girls were truly kinky chicks who learned how to have sex by watching animals, right? I could tell that he would need help understanding and quickly, because his brain was about to short circuit having never been confronted with it's own wrongness before.  

I'm going to explain this to you like I explained it to him. 

The school bus is the earliest form of sex education most kids get. For those of you who cringe at the thought of putting your kids on a school bus, you are absolutely right to do so. Everything dirty thing I know I learned on the bus (okay the BASIS for all the...). Yeah, the big yellow behemoth is a hot-bed of naughty words, incorrect information, horrible pronunciation, and inappropriate behavior. 

If you ever look at a passing school bus and see the back of the bus is full of older kids, you can be guaranteed that there is a topic happening back there that would make you blush. The older kids sit back there so that the bus driver (generally in his late 40's minimum - though we did luck out and get a cool driver once) can't hear them talking about who is putting what into who, who the dirty sluts are at school, and other "need to know" bits of gossip. The school bus was where I saw a penis for the first time. Sure, it was in underwear poking out the hole in the pants of a rowdy 7 year old who giggled as much as everyone else, but still... education people. 

As a matter of fact, I remember being at the swimming pool one hot summer day and running into some kids that rode one of the school buses in our district. There was fun and frivolity and splashing and the like... and then he called me a clitoris. That's right. On one of those long, dusty, noisy bus rides... someone taught him the word "clitoris". Unfortunately, they forgot to teach him the context in which to use the word. Looking back, I am a little flattered. HEY! They bring pleasure to people everywhere. Your life, male or female, would be a little sadder if it weren't for the clitoris. Call it what you want... (sorry, Tesla moment there), I'll take it as a compliment. 

No, I don't recall ever looking at livestock or farm pets having sex and saying, "Ohhhhh so that's how it's done." If that were the case, some poor guy right now might be cringing at the memory of my alley cat like painful screaming. REEEAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR and stuff. 


Miss Sassy Pants said...

My dad was from Wisconsin and cleared that cow tipping rumor right up for me. Complete and utter bullshit. (And I just realized I used the word utter when talking about cows. Har, har.)

Anyway, I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH YOU about the school bus thing. Those eighth graders taught me so much about the naughty things in life.

Angie said...

Ask your dad to explain snipe hunting. I really don't understand how people ever fell for these things! I have no desire to go anywhere that involves darkness, wild animals, and the potential of stepping in something.

Leauxra said...

The bus was good, but the orchestra and band rooms was where it was AT. Oh, and backstage during musicals. Because everyone knows that band kids are little perverts. They were left alone too much to "practice" in sound proof rooms.

Fred Miller said...

The clitoris is everything. I used the word clitoris in a blog about tractors last week.

Farm animals are good at teaching the basics of sex, but they have no advanced technique. That's where the school bus comes in.

Angie said...

Leauxra... It certainly explains how happy band kids seem to be doesn't it?! I am so glad my kids were not terribly musically inclined.

Fred? Speaking from experience? Does your intimate knowledge of tractors, clitori(it's gotta be spelled that way), and farm animals have any connection to "things I talk to my therapist about- For $500 Alex".

TessaLeFae said...

I'm a farm girl too, but my smartass family still sent me and my cousin snipe hunting. We caught on after they laughed themselves silly. I kept thinking it was amazing that the snipes could count to three.

Angie said...

Tessa they DO have a sense of humor don't they?! LOL I don't remember ever being as bored as my kids seem to be all the time. We must have done ok back in the day!

Bexstar said...

Oh my fuck, how come it took me so long to notice you had your own blog?

That photo of your face right there, that is your 'bitch, please' face. You just owned that shit.

I don't know what snipes are but I do know what snipers are. I want to be one.

Angie said...

I've been perfecting that look for 37 years. NAILED IT!

James said...

This is awesome! I am also from a farm and have never tipped a cow....I did, learn the birds and the bees from watching my horses accidentally have anal sex, but that is neither here nor there.

Angie said...

OMG LOL Did one of the horses say, "Neighhhh wrong hole buster!"

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