Friday, July 1, 2011

Independence Day My Way

In an effort to really get into the holiday spirit, I've done absofreakinlutely not a damn thing today. We celebrate our independence, nay our FREEDOM, by doing whatever we want because THAT my friends is what it's all about. Much like every other holiday, my house is completely devoid of anything remotely telling of the season. From the outside, you would never know that we're partying down in there. But listen up bitches... 
That's right kids... It's a three day weekend! I'm not sure how the rest of you are rockin' the holiday, but at the Whatevermylastnameis house we're really going to bring it. We're going to embrace the American stereotypes. Here's a brief list of the awesomeness I have planned. My daughter had better be on board too or I'm going to do absolutely nothing about it.

1. Blow shit up. Obviously this is at the top of the list because of the wide variety of fireworks at our disposal this time of year. We will likely end up lighting the garage on fire, but what of it? There's a gas can in there and I'm predicting one hell of a bonfire. BONUS! Bring your wieners (not Anthony).

2. Do a drive by. Everyone knows American towns are plagued by gangs. I am hoping that Liz at Flourish In Progress can give me some tips on being a gangsta. I have a do-rag and some foil that I think could make a sweet grill (shit I might be confusing gang member with rapper). I'm giving myself a fake gang tat tonight. Pics to follow.

3. Ride the electronic trolley around Walmart while filling it with junk food. I will also be borrowing a very angry child to follow me around crying.

4. Stab a neighbor in an altercation over dog poo in the yard.

5. Buy a gun rack, a pick up truck, and a gun.

6.  Wear at least 1 article of clothing with the American flag on it. If at all possible I will wear a flag print shirt with some inappropriate and revealing short shorts with "juicy" written on the ass. I want to cover my bases here.

7. Find some Nascar like race on TV and watch from start to finish. During this time I intend to drink a lot of really bad beer (Maybe PBR?!), possibly throw something at the screen, yell loudly at the driver I hate the most, and beat at least one person for walking between me and the TV.

I am hoping that at some point there will be pictures. If one of you could set up a bail fund for me that's be SWEET! Much love. Have a great holiday!

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