Thursday, July 14, 2011

Fill Your Hole- Things I Want

While it's no where near my birthday, I feel it's important to let everyone know that there are things I have to have in order to feel like my life is complete. No, I'm not talking about love. You can't buy that, and today is all about things I should have to fill the void in my chest where my heart should go. Or that hole in my soul. Or that... Right okay. Let's get to it.


1. Slide Board- This shouldn't need any explanation, but I'm going to give you one anyway. AWESOME! I am not on friendly terms with my hips, ass, and thighs. I think this piece of spectacularity could help me learn to love them. They used to make something similar to this back in the day, but I'm too lazy to go find that picture because my initial search of 'slidey exercise thing from like 1987' didn't give me the results I wanted. It did however, show me a penis. Always nice to have that "pop up" on the screen at work, yeah?
Have you ever seen speed skater thighs?

2. Hair Feathers- I've been mocking these things for so long I am starting to wonder if I am mocking them for their ridiculousness or if I am just hiding a deep seeded need to own them and look fabulous. If I can't have these, I will settle for the sparkly ones that Adrienne Maloof wore all season on RHWoBH!
Feathery bitch
Sparkly bitch
3. Bitchin' Cruiser- I saw this over on So...what else? and it confirmed what I've been thinking for a couple of years now. Like I told Ms. Lindahl, I would straighten my hair so it blows back all pretty when I ride it. I would get some retro shorts to wear. I want a basket with a flower on it and yeah... I want the bell. This thing is so sweet I wouldn't even care that I looked like I was fresh out of a feminine hygiene commercial. Bike up Bitches! Let's ride!
All I can say is SWEET!!

4. Snoopy Snow Cone Maker- Back when I was a kid I got one of these as a get well present after some random childhood surgery (appendix?). It's going to be really feckin' hot this weekend and I think I deserve to have a little piece of my childhood to help me cope with the 98 degree-unfreakinreal-humidity days. Sure I'd be bored with it after a day, but I really really want it. Really.
A Snow cone for me, Snoopy? HELL YEAH I'll take one!

5. Personal Masseuse- After a long day of sitting on my ass blogging, I get a little tense in the shoulders. There are times when I feel so sorry for myself that I damn near cry. Those are the times when I say to myself, "Angie, you deserve a break. Someone should be touching you right now while you do absolutely nothing because you don't do quite enough of that already." In the event that David reads this... Yeah, this time the answer would be "With".
Oh yeah, right there. 

6. Baby Grows Up Doll- I'm not trying to be a bag here, but Christy? Are you there? Do you remember when you ruined my Christmas by throwing my one and only cool present and breaking off her leg? Do you? It still hurts. I actually blame some of my adult drinking on this very incident. You probably don't remember because you were like 2 or 3, but sometimes at night when my heart is heavy... I think of how glorious that doll looked right out of the box... and it makes me feel happy.
I can't type through the tears... okay I can. 

Oh there's more. A LOT MORE.
Easy Bake Oven- Because I have Jiffy cake mixes and nothing to do with them.
Ticket to Montreal- Mind your business.
Flying Car- Not one of those new lame ones with the fold out wings either. That sh*t just looks sketchy.
Vacation in Cyprus With All The Enhancements- I have a list of things I want done.

So tell me kids, what sort of material things do you use to suffocate the feelings of emptiness?

P.S. This is the Easy Bake Oven I had as a kid...


Steve Bailey said...

I agree with you on the masseuse and the tickets to montreal and cyprus.... not sure which enhancements though.... maybe calf implants?

Sarah Lindahl said...

I distinctly remember ringing in the year 1980 with Dick Clark and a cake from my Easy Bake Oven. Good times. I want that snow cone maker too. And the bike.

Angie said...

Steve... I am going to see if they can just run some cording on the inside of my body and pull it out the top of my head. That way when I need a lift of any sort, I can just yank up the cords and tie a bow. :D

Sarah... It would so rock tonight to go home and use the 1975 Coleco Easy Bake Pizza Hut Oven, then make up some tasty cake in the regular Easy Bake oven with a slushy chaser.

Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress said...

This is my dream wish list. Of course, I would add a cone bra with flashing know, for PTA meetings and stuff.

Angie said...

LOL And a home vagazzle kit!

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