Thursday, July 21, 2011

Dirt Poor But Influential- How I survived lottery loss let down

When I realized this morning that I hadn't won the lottery I was crushed. I put on a brave face and paid for my Diet Dew and walked to my car, my spirits sagging like the breasts of an 80 year old woman. My letter of resignation, once folded neatly in my purse, now nothing more than tattered confetti pieces on the floor of my car, thrown down without care like a Bit-O-Honey wrapper on a long empty parade route.

So, bitches. I didn't win. I am not a multi-millionaire. I am not a thousandaire. Dammit I'm not even a hundredaire. You know what I am though? Influential. You probably didn't know this, but sometime yesterday I became influential about Food, Drinks, Moms, and a variety of other obscure things. The Canucks might want to stay on my good side. Yesterday I had no influence on anything, but I woke up today and I HAVE THE POWER! Mmmm hmmm.

I am not sure how my level of influence is gauged. I don't really want to know. I just want people to do what I tell them when I tell them to do it!!! In my quest to become even more powerful and possibly even make a bid for the presidency of my neighborhood watch group, I am going to try choosing a new topic to become influential about each week. So today is Thursday and I'll give myself until the 28th of July to become at least a little influential about Vacation Property in Panama (No, Jeana... not Panama, Iowa).

Once I get this little game figured out there are a few other things I would like to be influential about, such as:

1. How teenagers view the importance of cleanliness in their bedrooms - Seriously, I am about to throw your crap out. There's a funky smell coming from your room and I am scared of it. What if it destroys the hardwood? Are you smoking pot in there? Are you going to share? Then knock it off!

2. How teenagers view the importance of doing the damn dishes - I gave you life, pay the bills, provide you food, and all sorts of things. Try washing the damn dishes. Graduating high school was not your "get out of chores free" card. Speaking of... I think I saw a plate grow legs and try to escape your room the other day. Even they don't wanna be in there.

3. How teenage daughters view the wisdom of asking their mothers, "Do you have PMS or something?" - Did you REALLY just say that to me? No, I don't have PMS. I have a teenagers. I have frustration. I have the urge to chase you screaming from the house with a big ass bat. I do not have PMS.

4. How the rest of the world views property value in my "hood" - I have to put this place on the market soon so I can get the hell out of here, preferably before I have to evict my own child and call in haz-mat teams to clear her room.

5. Bringing back the Boticelli look - Seems like it was a good look for a whole age of people. I'd be happier, and when I am happier YOU are happier.

What do YOU want to influence?


Linda Medrano said...

Angie, Angie, Angie! I feel your pain. We didn't win the lotto either. I'm not even sure we got a ticket this week. That totally sucks.

Angie said...

If I had won... I have NO idea what I'd really do. Sure would like to find out though! :D There's always Saturday's drawing!

Gorilla Bananas said...

I'd like to influence the motion of things - stars, elephants, Naomi Watts' butt. I think you'd buy your teenager her own place if you won the lotto. Maybe she'd let you be her roommate.

Angie said...

I would give the current house to the kids and I would run away! I have places to go! :)

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