Friday, July 8, 2011

Angie is a Lover of lesbians even though she isn't one but her sister thinks she is

For the most part, I am not overly concerned with what people think of me. I am always a little intrigued though when I find out what someone thinks and it seems so completely off base that I can't begin to process its fuckeduppedness.

Case in point:

A few years ago I was going through a break up. Yes, another one. I'm a bit of a serial monogamist so you can guess my forays into the dating scene are not frequent. When a relationship ends I like to take time to wallow in self pity, hate myself a little, hate the other person some, eat to exhaustion, etc. After a few months I start to think a little more clearly. I begin to think there could still be someone out there for me.

It's not uncommon during my pathetic times, for my family to call a little more often. Most of the time they won't come right out and ask how I am coping, but they are still checking in... sort of like I maybe shouldn't be left alone with pills, sharp objects, etc. So as you can imagine, a call from my sister didn't strike me as out of the ordinary... at first.

Things started out pretty much par for the course. How are you? How are the kids? How's work? Gradually the discussion hit on the true reason for the call. Was I dating anyone? I tried to express my feelings on the whole dating scene. I just didn't want to think about guys anymore. I'd given up. I had no interest in trying again, starting over, getting my heart broken, or anything of the sort. That's when I found out what she really thought.

Her: "Don't take this the wrong way, you know you could tell me if you were... you know..."

Me: "What? What are you getting at? I'm okay. I just don't feel like dating."

Her: "I mean, if you're a lesbian. I wouldn't judge you."

You know the car chase scenes in a TV show where you see the accident coming and they switch to slow motion for a moment then go into regular speed so you can really appreciate the impact? That was my brain.

Me: "What in the hell makes you think I'm a lesbian? I LOVE MEN. They just don't love me back!"

Her: "I'm not saying you are. I'm just saying if you were. I was just asking."

Me: "I'm not a lesbian."

Her: "Okay."

I will save you the rest of the dialog. Apparently my lack of success in the relationship department in conjunction with my lack of desire to think about going out and getting my heart ripped out again had caused me to be throwing out a bit of a vibe. I never did ask her whether or not I was throwing out the Anne Heche vibe or the K.D. Lang one... maybe I should.

I'm all about boosting my "Klout" these days, so maybe there's a market I haven't exposed myself to? Maybe I should change my profile to read, "Lover of lesbians even though she isn't one but her sister thinks she is". Hey, maybe I AM a lesbian and I just haven't met the right woman? It would be awesome to have someone to share clothes with, shop with, watch crap movies with, laugh with, cry with... Nah, I had that growing up. Back then we called them "sisters". She beat me up a lot. Pass!


On a parting note for the day....

After checking the site stats yesterday it's clear to me that if I want to drive truly meaningful traffic to this blog I will need to use more key words like Horny Girl Denver, Pinot Grigio, Girls, How To Sex, and how to cougar sex. I have at least one friend that would stumble onto my blog if I add Kangaroo Sex, which I am... right here! You're welcome, David.


Miss Sassy Pants said...

I am most definitely a serial monogamist too. My friends always make fun of me because go through one miserable breakup and I swear of guys and then WHOOPS I have a boyfriend again.

I don't know where they keep coming from.

Angie said...

haha Obviously you are only misleading YOURSELF. I apparently am misleading the WORLD. Love is good though... just takes some time to want to try again!

Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress said...

i've been accused of lesbian as well as bitch. i get all shy when i'm in a new crowd and tend to stand off to the side. a dude came up and asked if i wasn't mingling because i thought i was too good for everyone and a bitch. also, i got my hair cut really short once and i got asked several times if i was a lesbian. i didn't even know what to say.

Angie said...

I tell people I am buy-sexual sometimes. You buy me something and I'll get sexual. I think it's funny. I've never cut my hair short. I also thought I made it perfectly clear that I think penises are awesome.

I don't think you're a lesbian bitch! I do think you're too good for them though. Jerks! :D

Leauxra said...

Yeah, doncha love that? My sister did the same thing to me several years ago... right before she told me she was a lesbian. Oh. I get it now.

Not that I am saying YOUR sister is a lesbian or anything. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Fred Miller said...

It's okay if you are a lesbian. We support you in Topeka.

Almost all my poetry is about pussy, but I'm branded as gay because I write poetry.

Angie said...

Leauxra- I am going to ask her now... maybe at her wedding in September. I bet she will kick my ass again.

Fred- We all know you're a Lesbian Priest. Poetry or not.

Julio said...

I came here to "Angie Uncovered: Angie is a lover of lesbians..." because I thought by "Uncovered" you meant naked, and by "lover of lesbians" meant "lover of lesbians...sexually." I believe my disappointment is obvious. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to google Kangaroo SEX...

Julio said...

God dammit, you've even ruined Kangaroo sex for me! Damn you!

Angie said...

I am thrilled that you were deceived! Yay me! :) Enjoy the roo-sex.

Angie said...

It's how I roll. Put on a shirt dude. You're going to catch your death.

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