Monday, June 6, 2011

Where I try to be all worldly and French-like

In an effort to make myself more marketable in the world of everything romantic and worldly, I've decided to work on my foreign language skills. A few weeks back I jumped head first into an online French tutorial. So far I've learned how to do the following:

1. Ask how much something costs. C'est combien?

I can see how this will help. I don't have a lot of money so I need to check before I go shelling out all my coin for a whip and handcuffs because I couldn't get them cleared for travel in my carry on luggage.

2. Ask someone to film us. Pouvez-vous nous filmer?

Another helpful question from the presenters at Bonjour! Do you know how many times I've been on vacation in a French speaking area, and I wished I had known how to ask a perfect stranger to help me make a porno? Only once, but that would have been handy to know right?

3. Ask for a lawyer. Je veux un avocat.

Again, it's like they know me. I feel like they might have been on vacation with me before.

4. Tell people that my name is Catherine and that I'm from Brussels. Je m'appelle Catherine. Je suis de Bruxelles.

I find it's best when creating pornos where someone may or may not get whipped and cuffed to a radiator while in French speaking countries to use a fake name and country of origin. It also helps when faced with prosecution... at least until your lawyer gets there. Then you ask what his rates are and if they are really high you give him the fake info too.

5. Tell someone I love them. Je t'aime.

This I would save for the judge when he lets me go with a wink and a smile after asking for a signed copy of my new movie.

On second thought, it might be better for me to practice the following:

Hello. I speak very little French, but I would like to get good bread, real butter, great wine, and a place to sleep where I won't be molested by strangers. Please help me.

(courtesy of Bing Translate) Salut. Je parle français très peu, mais j'aimerais obtenir le bon pain, beurre, grand vin et un endroit pour dormir, où je ne molesté par des étrangers. Veuillez m'aider.
How did Bing do with that? Anyone? Anyone?
C'est une bonne chose, n'est pas?

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