Tuesday, June 14, 2011

To My Future Husband

If everything were fair, if I really cared enough to be completely honest with my future husband, whomever he may be, there are things I would tell him before it got too involved so that he could make an educated decision about his choice to be with me. In the event that Mr. Right comes around and I'm so swept up with emotion that I forget to put stuff out there, I'm going to go ahead and put a few things here. This way I will have some way of saying, "I tried to tell you, but you obviously don't read my blog, and honestly babe... that hurts."

Here we go.

Dear Future Husband,

First, I can go no further without telling you that you are amazing. I've never met a man more witty and kind. You're also intelligent, which is evident in your choice of bride. (oh that's good) I trust that we will have a life of happiness, laughter, adventure, and passion.  I feel it only fair to warn you though, that I do have faults and quirks you might not yet be aware of.

1. When you are not around I plug in speakers, turn the music up loud, and dance like I'm in the music video. Realizing that you've no way to know what this looks like, I will describe it for you. I.LOOK.AMAZING. I'm everything you pretend I am when you close your eyes. I'm just really modest and won't ever do this in front of you. I just felt you should know.

2. I make amazing fudgie brownies. By now I'm sure you've had them. This is not my secret. The secret is that when cutting any pan of brownies, all pieces are not equal. If I volunteer to go get each of us a brownie, you and I will have the same size brownie when I bring it to you. They did not start this way. I gave myself a bigger brownie and evened it out with a fork and my mouth... count on it.

3. I'm more screwed up than you will ever know.  I have more baggage than samsonite. I generally joke about it, but it's baggage none the less. If you're well adjusted and from a good family, this is a little tidbit we might need to just keep to ourselves mmmkay?

4. There's at least one person in your family I don't like. I think this is a fair assumption. I don't even know them yet and already your brother/sister/mother/father/aunt/cousin pisses me off. I am only nice because you love them. I will probably expect something of you for attending your family events.. like you going to mine and not whining. ~hugs~

5. When I tell you I wear a size 8 it really means its a 10. Same thing goes for shoes. My size 7 feet fit best in a size 8.5. It's probably best that you don't buy me clothes. I hate when other people lie about this very issue, but for you I do it so you feel like you're getting something bett... oh screw it.

Please feel free to reach out to me with any questions or concerns you might have. My shrink is willing to give testimony to my acceptable level of insanity if neededto ease your fears.

Sincerely,

Your loving if not completely stable bride to be.

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