Wednesday, June 22, 2011

So you want to snag a man...

Oh, Dusty... WTF?!


Show him that you care just for him, 
Do the things that he likes to do, 
Wear your hair just for him, 
Cause you won't get him, thinking and praying 
Wishing and hoping



This song explains a lot of those divorces in the 80's doesn't it? I'm not sure that those lyrics can explain the hairstyles. "Billy says he loves it when I tease my hair into a giant bump then flip it up and spray it until it resembles a strange helmet." Yeah, I don't think so. 


Being a woman of the times (ha ha freakin ha), I like to look at mistakes from the past and utilize the technology of today to right the wrongs of relationships. Or maybe I'm just trying to figure shit out. I was told once by a gentleman I was "relating with", that my life would be better if I lived in a religious community like the Amish or the Hutterites. His reasoning was simple. I get stressed out when I am bombarded by a lot of stuff for months or years on end. If I lived in one of those communities I would only need to decide which long dress pattern to make my dresses from, and which small flowered or plain broadcloth from which to make them. Oh, and what meal to make for my man and passel of kids. "See, Angie? That would be easier for you. Two decisions, no hassle." 


Needless to say, I don't think the Amish or the Hutterites want me moving in to their communities. I would organize a hen night, sneak in some booze, and finally ask the tough questions. "How often do you want to slit your husband's throats when you're giving them a shave?" and "Doesn't it just frost your cookies when Jonah tells you what to wear?" or, "So... how far away is the nearest wifi signal?"  I would probably dig a secret bunker and stock it with naughty toys, junk food, techie gadgets, and Haldol for when I had to come back out. No, I don't think I'd fit in. 


So what is the answer? I signed up for this free newsletter that tells me all the things I'm doing wrong when it comes to men. Apparently, you're not allowed to ever make the first contact. You are never to tell him that you love him unless he says it first. You are allowed to express your emotions, but they can't ever be related to him. I guess Grandma was right. Speak when you're spoken to. You are to be seen, but not heard. I also received one tidbit of advice that if you make sure he can see you being noticed by other men while paying no attention to him, he will come running. Note to everyone, if any of the men who flirt with you are of any interest you have to cross them off the list of people you can speak to because obviously that ruins everything in the original advice of "ignore him". What does that leave us? I'll tell you... you only get to flirt with men you have absolutely no interest in. 


Cosmo reader contributions recommend tilting your head slightly chin down and looking up at him. This is also known as blow-job logic. The magazine infers (yes, if your magazine prints a reader suggestion, it's as good as supporting it) that it stimulates some instinctual impression that you are fertile. He might not know that he wants you to be fertile, but he sure as hell does. All this time I thought they just got off on seeing a woman looking up while pleasuring them. "Am I doing it right baby? How do you like it? See me submit? Please don't mess up my hair." So when he finally deems you worthy of approach ladies remember... chin down, big eyes, submit, don't dribble too much (but dribble a little because for some reason it makes them feel like old faithful... go figure). 


I am also guessing that telling him you're just going to step away so he can figure out how much he misses you is also off the list of things you're allowed to do. TBH, I think I will have to start completely over in a new town, new state, new country, and possibly a new universe. I freaking flirt with EVERYONE. I am NEVER going to get anywhere at this rate. I call when I shouldn't. I text first. I actually give a damn and tell it like I feel it. There's a possibility that I might need some sort of intervention. 


These aren't the only things I learned today. I also learned that xia xue is Chinese for snowing. Thank you HyVee Chinese fortune cookie. Right, that's all I have. And now back to your regularly scheduled internet usage. 



















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