Friday, June 17, 2011

Office Smut- Words of wisdom from the younger generation

Every couple of weeks our office is blessed with new reading materials. Though most of us don't subscribe to any of the magazines we read, we always have some to share. We call this "office smut". For the most part, these periodicals consist of gossip or entertainment mags, with a issues of Cosmo thrown in for good measure. I don't know if they are stealing these from the doctor's office and frankly, I don't give a damn! Bring on the smut!

These handy little bibles of femininity have proven to be very helpful in my quest to become the woman of every man's dreams. I especially like the parts where I get tips and tricks from 20 something year old readers. Who doesn't want to turn on a 20 year old guy? I think the better question is, "What doesn't turn on a 20 year old guy?"

Below are some of my favorites and the exact things that crossed my mind when reading them:

1. My girl and I were going at it hot and heavy and she just kept saying, "Harder! Harder!" That was so hot we we both exhausted when it was done. (guy - 23)
Me-  I'm so adding "Harder! Harder!" to my repertoire. Normally, I would just stay mute because I was told by an ex-boyfriend that it was best if I just laid perfectly still with my eyes fixed to the ceiling and didn't speak or try to breathe. It's reassuring to know that speaking out during sex is okay. Thanks guy. 

2. To get my man hot I wash my tiniest underwear and put them around the apartment to dry. He gets hot just looking at them. (gal - 22)
Me- If your guy gets hot just looking at the underwear, you might want to make other plans for about 5 minutes later. 

3. I hid a finger vibrator in the bottom of my man's cereal bowl for him to discover. (gal - 23)
Me- SHUT.THE.FRONT.DOOR! Holy balls, that's nasty. I don't care if it's new. If I find a sex toy and it's not mine in my food... Ewwww (just for the record, I can't imagine a scenario when I would find a sex toy that belongs to me in my food either)

4. My boyfriend likes this thong I have and sometimes I wear low-rider pants and let it show. (gal - 21)
Me- Quit lying! You don't own a single pair of non low-rider pants. 

I've come to the conclusion that perhaps I am now in a different phase in my life. Is there a Cosmo for grown ups? I really don't feel I'm ready to give up the fashion mags for Better Homes and Gardens. Help!

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