Sunday, June 19, 2011

Keeping Up With the Exes

Listen, I'm not a stalker. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I cannot afford to stalk you unless you live next door. Have you seen the price of gas these days? Plane tickets? Good photography equipment? Magazines to cut fun letters out of to make really awesome secret stalker admirer notes? Frankly, I don't have time to stalk anyone even if I could afford it. I work and write this blog dammit.

Now that we've got that out of the way, I am ready to admit that I do keep up with my exes. I've remained friends with most of the men I've even had so much as a crush on. I'm not going to be mean. They are suffering enough not having me in their lives... or that's what I like to pretend. Today during weekly girl time, the subject came up of looking at exes on the internet. Whether its Google search, MySpace, Facebook, etc., the question was why? Why would anyone search for someone online that they no longer have a relationship with? What can you possibly want to know about someone who broke your heart? 

The truth is that I've wished them all well. One of the girls laughed when I said that, but it's true. In any relationship that doesn't work out I am always the first to offer the best to the man who is walking away with a big ass piece of my heart, most of my trust, and a good portion of my self esteem. I hope you find what you're looking for. I want you to be happy. I want you to know that I loved you and part of me always will. You deserve the very best that life has to offer, (and when you get all of those things....I hope your life sucks). 

I'm not a mean person at heart. Its not like I want you to suffer a debilitating illness and I certainly don't want bad things to happen to your children. However, I hope that your life sucks at least a little because we aren't together. I want you to fall in love. Love is an amazing feeling and everyone should have that. Once you fall in love again, I hope that the hurt I felt is somehow returned to you. Maybe it could be in the form of the woman you love giving you a blazing red rash on your genitals. That would be great. If it burns when you pee I hope you think to yourself, "Angie Whatevermylastnameis wouldn't have given me the clap."

Of course these things are silly and immature. I never claimed to be perfect. I have feelings too. I don't retaliate, but I reserve the right to be really hurt. We agreed today that although we outwardly say nice things or throw out the occasional "oh well" or "whatever" with regard to the lost love.. inside most of us are the same. It sucks. Sometimes that sucking feeling comes out in the form of an understanding smile, a few kind words, and a secret desire to find out via Facebook that they tragically lost their testicles in a bizarre hedge clipper accident. 

But mostly I'm nice. 

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