Thursday, June 30, 2011

I wear my fabulous on the outside.

I know that I come across as the sort of woman who has it all together. You probably believe that if you could be anyone in the world, you would be me. I have a fancy job where I have a desk of my own and some walls (one has a calendar and a cork board). And sure... I have my very own bedazzled cup for pens and markers. When I go back to Iowa all of the drivers I meet on the highway wave at me. It's obvious that I am a bit of a celebrity. I live in a house that automatically shuts down important heating and cooling units as soon as the weather indicates I would really want to use them (energy conservation). Yeah, my life is all glam and flash....NOW. It wasn't always this way.

The fact is, things weren't easy for me. I didn't just slip out of the womb FABULOUS. No, I was actually a bit of a whiner. Nothing could make me happy. I was nervous and awkward. There was very little you could say to me that I wouldn't take the wrong way, get my feelers hurt, and then cry some more. I was fat, and not in the cute way that some people are. I was tall and fat, and tall and fat is harder than short and fat. I don't care what you say, you can't change my mind. If you were short and pudgy....I had it harder than you.

Let's stop competing okay? This isn't about you. It's about me. So where was I? Right, I was fatter than you and unattractive and my self-esteem was low. I still struggle. For the most part I wear my fabulous on the outside. The inside is still a little questionable.

Most of the time I try to put those days out of my mind, but today I received an email from my friend letting me know that she and another friend of ours are going to be reviewing a book. The book is called Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior. Needless to say, I was intrigued. Current fabulous status aside, I am in my own way all the damn time! I lose my focus, eat the wrong foods, drink more than I should, and make the most God awful choices.

I asked the girls, "Do you ever think that you hold yourself back from success because you’re afraid what the changes would be if life got better? Who you might have to leave behind… who you might become? Maybe it’s just me?" 

WHAT IF... da da dahhhhhhhh. ******* was the first to shoot back, "No, it is funny I was talking to my trainer about the same exact thing yesterday.  She was asking me about my biggest fear in losing the weight…I told her “what if I get skinny and realize that it was not my weight that was making me unhappy?”"

I thought about it, and came to the conclusion that I'm most worried that I am just a miserable person who does hurtful things and is really just selfish, narcissistic, and quite possibly an asshole. As it turns out, my friends said they can deal with that.  They did ask if there was a pill for it though. I informed them that I'm pretty sure it's only helped by them drinking. I'm funnier when they are drinking. Alcohol might actually turn out to be the cure after all!

I believe ******* came to the best conclusion. "…that is solid hard evidence to continue with alcohol consumption and re-frame thoughts about it. Alcohol consumption is not evil, it is a necessary tool to maintain and build relationships."

I have advised her that we should not tell any therapists that I gave advice on the matter. I'm not licensed and frankly, I don't need a law suit (again)!

I hope somehow I have managed to keep you all from being super jealous of my rock star lifestyle. Don't beat yourselves up. Stick with me and one day you could get your own bedazzled pen cup. I promise.


Anonymous said...

I was sent this link by your friend ******* (who happens to be my best friend) and OMG, I just want to say that you are not only hilarious, you are very talented. Writing is my passion and my dream is to become a published novelist and be on the 'Best Seller' list. After reading just this blog, I don't think I have near as much talent as you do. However, ******* would tell me that I am just afraid of succeeding. ;) Ok, so... I am bookmarking this and will get through all of your blogs. By the way, ******* is completely right about alcohol being a necessary tool to building relationships. Haha!

Angie said...

******* is AMAZING and funny! Thank you so much for your kind words and seriously, get writing! Next time it's girls night for "building and maintaining relationships" you'd better be there!

Anonymous said...

I absolutely will be there! :)

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