Saturday, June 25, 2011

How much is that going to cost me... in sex figures please?

Growing up, my granny used to fill my head full of all sorts of useless knowledge. I LOVED it. She taught me words that most kids wouldn't learn until high school or college, showed me how to find information when I didn't have the answer, taught me an appreciation for public television, and instilled in me the importance of knowing a little bit about everything. Though my grandma never struck me as the debutante type, I believe she was raised to believe that a proper woman would be able to keep up with conversation, even if it were not her place to speak up. When you open your mouth, you should be able to answer intelligently, if only briefly. She's a great lady, sort of elfish like my daughter, smart as a whip, and boy oh boy is she opinionated.

Sorry, I was waxing emotional there. None of that has much to do with the information I am about to share. Let me get the tie in out of the way and move on. Like Grandma, I like to know at least a little bit about most things. If something strikes my fancy, I will go out of my way to learn more until I can speak intelligently at length about the subject. This has yet to happen to me with auto mechanics.

I've learned a few of the basics. I can change a tire. I know where the oil goes. I understand that batteries sometimes need water (WTF you say?! But it's true). I know that you don't have blinker fluid. I don't appreciate being told I should rotate the air in my tires. I even know which weight oil to use and when. I do NOT know about fixing things. I had no idea about ball joints until a little over a month ago. I know where they are now, but that's pretty much the extent of my knowledge.

The last time I was at the mechanic, it was suggested that I replace a worn ball joint on my 2007 G6. My first reaction? "No way, seriously? It's only a 2007! What the hell is a ball joint?" Well, the price was a bit more than I could afford at the time so I put it off. Now, the mechanic said it's often caused by improper driving, hitting pot holes at a high rate of speed, sharp high speed turns, etc. so I started to behave myself. I drove a bit slower. I was very careful to avoid potholes if at all possible. I slowed down  when driving over train tracks. I'd done everything to extend the life of my poor worn ball joint, so you can imagine my sadness when a few days ago I began to hear a rattling noise when I'd hit the smallest bump in the road.

Since I'm not really all that mechanically inclined, I wasn't sure what it would sound like when a ball joint dies. I hadn't prepared myself for noise at all, frankly. My heart broke a little bit with the first rattle. As it continued I started to worry. Yesterday afternoon, while driving home from the grocery store the rattling happened again. My mind raced. I have to drive back to Iowa this weekend, so you can imagine I was a bit panicked about the cost and the time frame.

I was going to have to whore myself out to get it fixed. I quickly ran through a list in my head of men I felt would be capable of fixing the ball joint. I cross referenced it with a list of men I would willingly have sex with. I came up blank. Fear set in. I might have to whore myself out to someone I don't want to have sex with to get this fixed! In 37 years (unless you count being married) I have never had sex in exchange for anything. A ball joint would be my downfall.

Turning toward home (careful not to turn too sharply), the sunlight broke free of the clouds and poured through the driver's side window of the car. As I reached up to turn the sun visor, I encountered a small pot hole. My hand hovered in midair as I watched the sun visor bounce lightly from the impact and rattle against it's clip.

For the record:
1. It's difficult to gauge where a sound is coming from in a car.
2. The visor IS in fact in front of me so I had the general direction down.
3. What normal person says, "I bet the rattling noise is coming from the sun visor"?
4. The Red Cross doesn't ask, "In the last 10 years have you had sex with anyone in exchange for mechanical work?"
5. I almost had sex for nothing! Do I lose integrity points just for considering it an option?

No comments:

My Zimbio
Top Stories