Wednesday, June 15, 2011

From now on I'll need your "gifts" in the form of cash. Blame Citibank.

I set aside a day each month to question our government's decision to lend me money. To be fair, I looked ambitious, bright-eyed, and willing to pay them back. It looked like a pretty good deal at the time.. for all of us Stafford, for all of us. You wanted me as much as I wanted you, so let's stop pretending.

Things were beautiful for awhile. I broadened my horizons and expanded my mind, and tried my best to become what you wanted. Yes, what YOU wanted Stafford. I simply wanted to take a few psych classes, learn how to make the most of my God given talents, and make cool slogans and pictures to make people buy stuff. You are the one who wanted me to focus. Focusing costs money. I told you that and what did you say? You said, "Oh, no problem. I'll help you out." You got me all emotionally wound up and then you gave me papers to sign. I was too caught up in the excitement of it all to know what I was doing!  


Citibank is the proud owner of my student loans now. I decided today would be the day that I let them make me their bitch and I logged into the website to make my payment. Correction; I TRIED to log in. After a few failed attempts and errors on the page, I decided to give the 800# a try. Surely they could help me. So, dial I did. Apparently Citi tracks every phone number you've ever dialed from, and then when you key in the requested information it will tell you you're wrong because it doesn't match the phone number you're calling from. After failing to find a way to get it to recognize me, I repeatedly hit "0".

It wasn't long before a chipper voice came on the line. SUCCESS! Almost.  Apparently in order to give Citibank money they must know every intimate detail of your life. I would give information, they would request more. Finally, frustrated and ready to violate the poor representative with my dirty words, I said, "Listen, before we continue I want you to make a note on my account. If ANYONE calls to put money on my loan you LET THEM. I don't need to know who they are. If they know who I am and want to pay the bill you had best take the money."

It may surprise you to know that I work a regular job. In this regular job I play a technology nerd. I'm aware of security issues and understand the need for PCI and PII regulations. All rules and regulations aside, if there is a band of pranksters out there that gets their kicks off of paying people's bills and improving their credit scores, I welcome the attack. Right now I just feel Citibank is screwing me out of the opportunity to solicit "donations" from aged men who wanna be my daddy.

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