In the last month I have had to let go of more than I ever imagined I could. As one child graduated high school the other child moved to live with his father. In the same time frame, the one person I felt I could always talk to pulled away. In each case I've had to adapt accordingly and I wish like hell there was some sort of manual for coping.
With my daughter it's something I expected, but watching her fumble breaks my heart. I'm trying to step back and let her do it her way. She will have to make her own mistakes and I try so hard not to nag her. This could result in hair loss. She's planning to dye her hair red, which is all good and fine... except she's planning to do it herself. I advised her to spend the extra $15 and go to the beauty college to get it done. She rolled her eyes at me and told me she wasn't worried about it. It seems she does not care that I am worried about it. I've seen her hair when she's done it herself. God, please if you can hear me... make it impossible for her to find bad red box hair color.
In my son's case what can I say? I feel like I got ripped off. I was supposed to have four more years! Not being able to see him every day is starting to hurt. It was easier when he would go for the summer and I knew he was coming home. Now, being unable to know what his day was like is like a knife to the heart. The kid who used to text, email, and call, constantly when he wasn't around now sends one line messages. He's toughening up, which is good. I just didn't realize how much a part of my identity my parenting was until suddenly I'm not needed.
Letting go of a friend is not any easier. Perhaps it's because that was the part of myself that I felt existed outside of my role of mother. It's not that I wanted to step back. I just didn't know what else to do. Maybe one day things will change, but right now I had to ban myself from trying. Sucks. Hurts. Blows. Did I mention it makes me sad?
Alright, got that off my chest. Tomorrow will be better.