Wednesday, May 25, 2011

You do not have permission to access this page... or any of the other ones you really want to see.

Work has blocked access to all social and streaming media, online games, and porn. There are a few things I value even more now than I used to.

1. CNN, CBC News, BBC News, basically everything except Fox News.
2. Unlimited texting on my cell phone.
3. The ability to spout my nonsense here.

Here is the official list of "crap ya shant be accessing":


Category Name
Action
Comments
Adult/Sexually Explicit 
Block 
--  Disagree.
Advertisements 
Block 
--  Well, ok.
Arts & Entertainment 
Permit 
--  How the hell do they know what entertains me?
Chat 
Permit 
--  In my experience this just leads to personals and dating.
Computing & Internet 
Permit 
--  Unless you want to USE the internet. Then it's more like being able to google the concept behind the internet.
Criminal Skills 
Block 
--  Is there really a category for this on the internet? I'd look, but obviously I'm not allowed to know.
Drugs, Alcohol & Tobacco 
Block 
--  Booooooo!
Education 
Permit 
--  "We don't need no education..."
Finance & Investment 
Permit 
--  A bit of a joke considering my income. I'm going to recommend these guys for Last Comic Standing.
Food & Drink 
Permit 
--  Uh huh, except anything you'd WANT to drink. (See block on drugs, alcohol, and tobacco)
Gambling 
Block 
--  So much for my part time job.
Games 
Block 
--  I feel like Rudolph.
Glamour & Intimate Apparel 
Permit 
--  Well YEAH, guess who allowed this.
Government & Politics 
Permit 
--  boooooooring
Hacking 
Block 
--  Not sure why. We are a technology firm.
Hate Speech 
Block 
--  I hate not being able to access things.
Health & Medicine 
Permit 
--  Except when the medicine is a drug in which case it's just allowing Health.
Hobbies & Recreation 
Permit 
--  The wide open use of the internet WAS my hobby.
Hosting Sites 
Permit 
--  Eh.
Job Search & Career Development 
Permit 
--  Ha ha Might take you up on this.
Kids Sites 
Permit 
--  Because we have so many employees under the age of 30.
Lifestyle & Culture 
Permit 
--  Except lifestyles that include sex and show pictures of how to live that lifestyle.
Motor Vehicles 
Permit 
--  Eh... wotevah
News 
Permit 
--  Thank God. Maybe there will be an article on how people cope at work with limited web access.
Personals & Dating 
Block 
--  Cancelled my sugardaddie.com membership over this.
Photo Searches 
Permit 
--  Except photos of vaginas, penises, penises going into things, or things going into vaginas.
Real Estate 
Permit 
--  I actually use this one a lot so thanks big guy!
Reference 
Permit 
--  Look that up in your Funk and Wagnalls
Religion 
Permit 
--  "Imagine there's no heaven... "
Remote Proxies 
Block 
--  Sneaky bastards need not apply.
Search Engines 
Permit 
--  Like I want to know the facts of something? No thank you. I'll stick to making shit up so that it feels right for me.
Sex Education 
Block 
--  Oh that's fucking GREAT! If I get pregnant they will be sorry.
Shopping 
Permit 
--  Eh.
Sports 
Permit 
--  I can hear this rationale now... If we give the girls freedom to shop we can still access sports!
Streaming Media 
Permit 
--  Lie. Lie. Lie.
Travel 
Permit 
--  As long as you just wanna look at it but not actually DO it.
Usenet News 
Permit 
--  What?
Violence 
Block 
-- I do spend an awful lot of time watching teens in NYC beat up homeless people. Better they leave me with war coverage.
Weapons 
Block 
-- Looks like I'll be buying my guns from Walmart like everyone else from now on.
Web-based Email 
Permit 
-- Lie... I tried. Doesn't work.

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