Monday, May 30, 2011

Warning: You Are Entering A Diet Redirection Zone

After a weekend of stuffing my face with hmmm let's see: Breads, calamari, pasta, chicken (I am SO sorry I couldn't eat it all), eggs, more breads, potatoes, veal, cheese, preserved meats, etc., I am finding that it's time to get back to being reasonably food responsible. Beginning tomorrow I am going back to lean proteins, lots of greens, and only wheat breads. I managed to get some great food ideas over the weekend and I'm looking forward to trying my hand at a few things!

Posts for the next few days will most likely be wrought with carb restricted bitchiness as opposed to my standard bitchiness, which is pretty much just my personality. I've just finished some Maltesers to round out my dinner which included pasta salad so right now I'm just feeling jolly (fat) and relaxed. If you've got any burning questions for me drop me an email because I'm going to be real honest about how I feel and without the carbs to hide my feelings under you might get the bitter truth you seek! :)

Oh, Voltaire... ~sigh~

Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well. - Voltaire

Back in the day (pre-internet times), a friend gave me a book of quotes. Though I no longer have the book, the above quote has stuck with me. Very few can say they've never looked on a particular quality in a person and were imbued with a sense of inspiration or longing to possess that "excellence" for ourselves. 

Quite recently, I had the opportunity to spend a bit of time with someone I admire greatly. Whether it's his wit, his intelligence, his thighs (oh dear God help me), or his sense of self.... I couldn't help but come away with the feeling that I want to be more like THAT. Very "Voltaire" in more ways than one. I want to be that educated, funny, and self assured. The thighs... well I'll leave those to him, but I may say screw the grinding knees and do more lunges and squats. 

At the same time I found some things about myself that I embraced even more. I am open, caring, and resilient. Those are things that although at times I wish I were more reserved about, I won't ever change. I smile easily and genuinely and I long to give affection even more than I long for it. And while it will never be businesslike, you can tell how I feel by the look on my face. The people I love never have to wonder how I feel about them. 

Each day should be about finding the beauty in others, in your surroundings, and in yourself. Therein lies a true balance. 

Weekend Recap

Leaving was a bittersweet feeling. The culmination of a much needed weekend away from normal, I'd been looking forward to the beginning and dreading the end. Someone said that once you break through the clouds there is sun, and there is. At first there is just a soft orange glow, but moments later you break the barrier and you're greeted with bright sun bouncing off soft white billows of cumulus. The discussion related to flying on a rainy day, but it's beautiful metaphor for life as well.

Fortunately, I was able to get plenty of time for reflection on the way home. In my mind there are profound things to say and flowery words to be written but tonight I will simply run down a list. 

1. I speak too softly apparently. There was a time when I used to speak loudly. I wanted to be noticed and never felt I could be any other way. Somehow I think I've traveled to the other end of the spectrum. 

2. If I am not given a pointed question I will just ramble. There are ways to fix this... 

3. It's a warm feeling to turn around and see someone is there watching you to make sure you are alright. 

4. It's difficult not to go to that person and hug them. 

5. I have an unbearable need to make people feel better and when I can't I get frustrated. There's got to be a better way. I can't apologize for caring, but I will apologize for how it effected my mood. 

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Zeltiq - Very cool... literally!

On my way to work in the mornings, there is a lot of "ad spot" time. Lucky me <sarcasm>. Most of the time I am irritated. I don't want to hear a hokey used car spot or a spot. I have a car and I have a job. When a person is LOOKING for a new job they don't need a radio spot to tell them where to look to find it. I don't want to hear any "witty banter" between you and some witless car shop employee. I actually avoid buying from these places because of their commercials. Play to your strengths people. If you're not funny... it might make sense to do a different sort of commercial. Howeverrrrrrrr...

There is an exception to my marketing irritation during drive time. Lazaderm Skincare Center has ads that I will listen to beginning to end and never change the station. Why? Because they offer services I would use, they talk about those services, and they don't try to be funny. There's nothing funny about acne, fat bulges, wrinkles, or varicose veins. Nothing at all I say!

Let's get to the meat of this post.** Zeltiq.... If I had a wish list of things (and I do), I would put Zeltiq on the top of that list (and I have) edging out the 'Eternal Happiness of My Offspring' from the #1 slot. If you were too lazy to click the link or google the basic info, here's the low down.

The Zeltiq process involves cooling the desired fatty area to the point where it destroys the fat cells. Once that happens, the body begins a process of eliminating the dead fat cells through the liver (I'm guessing an enyzme process). While it takes 2-3 months to see full results, it's non-surgical and allows the patient to get back to their daily routine as soon as they leave the office.**

I've had friends who did traditional liposuction and had to wear compression garments for 2 months, had pain, swelling, and major bruising. This, to me anyway, seems like an excellent alternative. If Lazaderm Skincare Center is looking for a poster child to practice on, someone to tell every single person they know how awesome the results are, etc... I am available!! :)

** I am not a medical professional. I do peruse WebMD, watch House, and google medical terms. I could perform surgery. Unfortunately the limit of my experience in falsely representing myself as a medical professional is putting on a naughty nurse costume and snapping on latex gloves while staring at men with an evil look.

Sign of the times

There was a time when we carried pictures of our kids in our purses or wallets. The other night at a fund raiser, an aquaintence of mine (whose wife just had a baby) was asked if he had any pictures of the new babe. He replied, "No, sorry this is a new phone."

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Lies About Size

There is nothing I hate more than people who lie about their size. This includes men who claim to have really small penises, (I know it's suppose to be written that way but I can't stop imagining men who have more than one really small penis) but really they are average. Women who lie about their bra size fall into the same category. We see your boobs even with clothes on you twit.

More than I hate the above offenders, I despise people who lie about their clothing sizes. A few nights ago I happened to catch Kirstie Alley on Leno. I've avoided DWTS from it's inception and have never watched a single episode. I was doubly averse to it this season when I realized she would be participating. There are a million reasons I can't quite put my finger on that make me not like her. The Leno show added a big fat one at the top of the list.

During her interview time, Jay mentioned  how she "looked great" and proceeded to ask her how much weight she had lost. Immediately the gushing began. "I don't know how much I have lost. I do know that this dress is 'stretchy' and I thought it was so great when I saw it that I bought it in everything from a size 12, which I was in at the time, to a size 4. Right now I'm wearing the 6." While she rambled incessantly in her half crack whore-half junior high slutty cheerleader voice, I resisted the urge to throw the remote at the screen.

I want to make something very clear. I don't have anything against people struggling with weight issues. Whether they are 89 pounds and anorexic or 800-pound-bed-ridden-binge-eaters, I believe we all have our demons. It's not my place to tell anyone to get off their ass and exercise or to do themselves a favor and eat a sandwich. What I do have a problem with is her need to throw out such a twisted version of "size reality" to the viewing audience. I've seen the pictures of her at her highest documented weight. I'm proud of her (regardless of my personal feelings about her acting/personality) for doing the work, making the effort, dropping the pounds, making healthier choices. The issue is that she's a 12 now AT LEAST. Twelves and fourteens are the most common sizes for adult American women.

We need to stop telling ourselves that the tag on the inside of our clothes indicates our worth somehow in society. That number shouldn't dictate your level of self esteem. When our daughters, sisters, nieces, etc. hear this sort of nonsense, it sends a message of shame. Kirstie, what are you ashamed of? You've dropped a significant amount of weight and you've done it the right way. You're healthier, you look good, you must FEEL better... so why ruin it all?

It seems to me you're more proud of the fact that you were able to afford a dress made by a company that obviously sizes their clothing to suit the "number" conscious as opposed to those who are "body" conscious. If I had a few dollars I cared to throw around I'd be a size 2 tomorrow (well in the right dress I guess). I'm saying this from the perspective of someone who knows the battle. I still try gimmick stuff once in awhile. I still fight the urge to sit down and eat a whole cheesecake, but I'm sure as hell not going to go around and brag about the # on the inside of my jeans.

You do not have permission to access this page... or any of the other ones you really want to see.

Work has blocked access to all social and streaming media, online games, and porn. There are a few things I value even more now than I used to.

1. CNN, CBC News, BBC News, basically everything except Fox News.
2. Unlimited texting on my cell phone.
3. The ability to spout my nonsense here.

Here is the official list of "crap ya shant be accessing":

Category Name
Adult/Sexually Explicit 
--  Disagree.
--  Well, ok.
Arts & Entertainment 
--  How the hell do they know what entertains me?
--  In my experience this just leads to personals and dating.
Computing & Internet 
--  Unless you want to USE the internet. Then it's more like being able to google the concept behind the internet.
Criminal Skills 
--  Is there really a category for this on the internet? I'd look, but obviously I'm not allowed to know.
Drugs, Alcohol & Tobacco 
--  Booooooo!
--  "We don't need no education..."
Finance & Investment 
--  A bit of a joke considering my income. I'm going to recommend these guys for Last Comic Standing.
Food & Drink 
--  Uh huh, except anything you'd WANT to drink. (See block on drugs, alcohol, and tobacco)
--  So much for my part time job.
--  I feel like Rudolph.
Glamour & Intimate Apparel 
--  Well YEAH, guess who allowed this.
Government & Politics 
--  boooooooring
--  Not sure why. We are a technology firm.
Hate Speech 
--  I hate not being able to access things.
Health & Medicine 
--  Except when the medicine is a drug in which case it's just allowing Health.
Hobbies & Recreation 
--  The wide open use of the internet WAS my hobby.
Hosting Sites 
--  Eh.
Job Search & Career Development 
--  Ha ha Might take you up on this.
Kids Sites 
--  Because we have so many employees under the age of 30.
Lifestyle & Culture 
--  Except lifestyles that include sex and show pictures of how to live that lifestyle.
Motor Vehicles 
--  Eh... wotevah
--  Thank God. Maybe there will be an article on how people cope at work with limited web access.
Personals & Dating 
--  Cancelled my membership over this.
Photo Searches 
--  Except photos of vaginas, penises, penises going into things, or things going into vaginas.
Real Estate 
--  I actually use this one a lot so thanks big guy!
--  Look that up in your Funk and Wagnalls
--  "Imagine there's no heaven... "
Remote Proxies 
--  Sneaky bastards need not apply.
Search Engines 
--  Like I want to know the facts of something? No thank you. I'll stick to making shit up so that it feels right for me.
Sex Education 
--  Oh that's fucking GREAT! If I get pregnant they will be sorry.
--  Eh.
--  I can hear this rationale now... If we give the girls freedom to shop we can still access sports!
Streaming Media 
--  Lie. Lie. Lie.
--  As long as you just wanna look at it but not actually DO it.
Usenet News 
--  What?
-- I do spend an awful lot of time watching teens in NYC beat up homeless people. Better they leave me with war coverage.
-- Looks like I'll be buying my guns from Walmart like everyone else from now on.
Web-based Email 
-- Lie... I tried. Doesn't work.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Embracing My Inner Alcoholic

6:20 AM: My cell phone vibrated next to my head; an annoying reminder that another day was about to begin. <snooze>

6:25 AM: Alarm "Jesus!" <snooze>

6:30 AM: Alarm. "Oh for fuck's sake. I'm up. I'm up already!"
I notice that there are voices drifting up from the main floor. I should probably investigate this.

6:35 AM: I realize that the voices have to be those of my father and my son preparing to leave for my son's first Mom-Free vacation, followed by his new Mom-Lite life with his bio-dad/sperm donor.

6:37 AM: I decide it would be best to see them out the door AFTER I put clothes on. I don't know that there's anything more disturbing than seeing one's parents naked. Pretty sure that it ranks right up there with finding a dead body, severed head, or realizing McDonald's forgot to take the onions off your burger.

6:40 AM: I find both men in the dining room. They look well rested and excited to get moving. I am reminded that I owe my father a book of pictures, which I dutifully fetch and toss across the table.

6:43 AM: Hugs all around. My son, realizing that he's actually leaving, doesn't look nearly as excited as he did a few moments ago. I hug him one more time and his voice cracks when he tells me he loves me. I pull away and notice he's tearing up.

6:44 AM: I tell him I love him too and turn quickly saying I need them to go so I can get ready for work. I run for the stairs, shouting parting bits of advice.
"Be careful. Don't forget your tooth brush. Call me when you stop for breakfast. Don't forget I love you. Grab your phone charger. Get your laptop charger. Make sure you have enough underwear."

6:45 AM: I bawl like a baby.

I would walk you through the rest of my day, but it's going to be work related and who needs that crap? I will tell you this much though, my post-work hours look like this:

4:00 PM: Run for the door, ignoring the sound of ringing from my desk phone.

4:15 PM: Cardio

5:00 PM: Weights

5:20 PM: Embracing my inner alcoholic (this time includes wine or mixed drink while soaking in the hot tub)

Sometime later PM: Digging around in the freezer muttering to myself, "What the f*ck? I thought we had some cream cheese mints up in this b*tch!"

Sometime after that PM: Sleep

Monday, May 23, 2011

Liars are fryers and other rapture reassurance

A few of you must be feeling pretty silly right now. Your pre-rapture goodbyes were received and don't think that I forgot that in your drunken state you promised you'd let me have your iPod because you didn't need it anymore. As I told my kids, "Trust me. I'll see you both in the morning because liars are fryers and the two of you have some things to answer for. Love you."

Hey, I'll be by to pick up the iPod tonight!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Reasons My Youngest Sibling Is My Favorite

1. Her emails: I guess the guys are golfing on Thursday while we get our nails done- don’t think the guys are going, Unless dad decides to have a vagina that day gets a pedi that day as usuall.  Wait, I just got what you said.  Not Man-pedi, manicure & pedicure. 

2. She is a lady truck driver trapped in a girly body and she doesn't feel the need to apologize for it.

3. She's an amazing mother. She makes beautiful babies and they are happy. Does it get any better than that?

4. The girl will sit topless with her electric milker on shamelessly watching Lifetime... and she won't care if you DO wake up and see her.

5. She wore the most beautiful wedding gown with trainers and mouthed the word "bitch" at one of the speakers during the ceremony.

6. Though I agree with most of my siblings on the major issues.... she's the one that I can count on to be thinking WTF at exactly the same times I am.

Conversation With My Daughter

Me- Hey Alex? Can you come to the stairs?
(We don't do a lot of F2F conversing in our house because we all live on different floors)

Alex: (stumbling and thumping sounds followed by grumbling and the pitter pat of feet across the dining room floor)

Me: Are you there?

Alex: Yeah. What?

Me: So Sunday is Commencement. Is there anything I should know?

Alex: It's at one o'clock? It's at the arena?

Me: No, I mean... how did your semester tests go? Is there anything I should know before Friday so you can call the family if they don't need to come up?

Alex: What are you talking about?

Me: You ARE graduating right? I mean you will walk across the stage and they are expecting you to be there right?

Alex: (aggravated sigh) Yes, Mom. I am graudating. I need to turn in my calculus book tomorrow to make sure it's a signed diploma, but yes I am graduating.

Me: Yeah, I'm not talking about turning in books. I am just saying that I don't want any last minute panic where you tell me that you were too scared to tell me earlier that you didn't graduate and I've got a ton of family here and we look like idiots. I don't think I can handle that sort of drama. You know my family. They will ask to see the signature.

Alex: Mom?

Me: Yeah?

Alex: I'm going to bed now. I'm tired so knock it off.

Me: Love you.

Four years ago she was a 4.3 GPA perfectionist. Approximately 3 months into her Freshman year she discovered boys, hormones, emotions, and coffee. Our life has been a roller coaster since. My daughter is quite possibly the smartest teenager I know. Unfortunately, she has the soul of a lazy gypsy. You could assign her the job of reading palms and she would make an excuse about a hang nail that caused her so much pain she couldn't work... then she would sit around drinking coffee all day posting on Gypsy Facebook about how her life is so unfulfilling, all the while urging the other lazy gypsies to drop by her caravan and "chill".

All I can say now is, "Please God hear my prayer. Deliver her from High School and deliver me from this anxiety. Amen"

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

It's Been Awhile

When in a relationship and getting plenty of lovin' I tend to be more demure than bawdy. I didn't really notice until today that the longer I go without sex the more I read perversion into every conversation I have or eavesdrop on. One of the guys in my office handles public safety technology and that sounds pretty dry and non-sexual doesn't it? Now consider the following conversation:
Sales Rep: I gotta tell ya, I've had plenty of departments just like yours. Just let me put my unit in your hands.

Customer: (inaudible)

Sales Rep: That's exactly what she told me at first too. Then I let her play with my unit and she said, "I've got to get that in here".

Customer: (inaudible)

Sales Rep: No, it's really solid. It can take a beating.

Sales Rep 2: That's what she said.

Me: Did he just say it can take a beating?

By the time the call was done I was giggling like a 12 year old. If that sounds immature to you, you should be glad you missed the laughter following one of our older office ladies yelling, "I don't like fat weiners".

Like A Fat Kid Loves Cake

I wish Subway was my Mom. Then my mom would make the most amazing oatmeal raisin cookies. My current Mom doesn't. She's not all bad, but she's certainly not all good at the cookie thing. To be honest.... since she got all healthy 20 or so years ago it's sort of been down hill.

When I was a kid I loved Mom's baking like a fat kid loves cake... which isn't as much an analogy as it is that I was a kid, I was fat, my mother made cake, and I loved it. She still makes a mean brownie, but fortunately I live far enough away that I don't feel compelled to eat a pan in one sitting followed by a desperate desire to take up bulimia as a sport.

I bet she still bakes like a champ and just puts out the bad crap when I'm home so that I visit less. I think it's an appropriate time for me to get offended.

Business Ideas 1

To Shannon:
I spent yesterday with my eyes swollen up again and a fever. WTF Is that about? Jacob was sent home yesterday too sick. Weird allergies or weather or something. All seems ok today so I’m back at work.

Maybe you and I should start a cleaning company? I like to clean other people’s houses and chances are ppl who could afford to hire us would be fairly clean anyway right? Then we could do all of our work during the week during the day (no nights or weekends).

We could call ourselves something like…
1.   Chicks with Brooms
2.   Two Girls, a Hoover, and a Dust Cloth
3.   Unmarried Women Who Clean Stuff Because They Aren’t Busy Having Hot Sex

Something catchy like that. J

From Shannon to Me:
I don’t really like to clean! I like #3!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Technology Sales

I've decided unless you're selling something that starts with iP or runs on Droid... technology sales suck. It's illegal to sell iPussy or Droidgina though.

I might be a little f*cked in the head

I got an email the other day from someone about my daughter's graduation party. It said, "I'm sorry we won't be able to be there. I'm sure you're very proud of her!"

Can you f*cking believe it? Immediately my face went into sneer/complete distain mode. Why in the hell would you even email me? Bitch.

So I replied, "I completely understand. I hope all is well with you and yours!"

Because I remembered I put my email address and request that people RSVP for the party.

My proposed prostitution classified ad

Are you male, reasonably attractive, clean, disease free, smell nice, and not into hurting people to get off? If this sounds like you and you don't mind paying for sex... Let's talk.

I will be your hero baby....

fo fitty dolla an a 1/5 of Grey Goose.

On the verge of doing something big...

Or stupid. Maybe it will be big AND stupid. We can only guess at this time folks. When I woke up this morning I couldn't avoid looking in the mirror. Well I could have avoided it, but I am terrified to think what my eye makeup would have looked like. Day 3 of allergies paired with a killer "to do" list have pushed me to the very edge of my breaking point.

Between entertaining out of town guests, painting, cleaning, reorganizing, planning a party for 50 I simply have no patience for anything, least of all a job I absolutely hate. Let me make one thing very clear. I love the people I work with. I have absolutely nothing against the clients or the management. I simply hate what I do. 

I feel like Lloyd Dobler right now. "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything." So with that in mind... I'm now accepting offers for other jobs.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I'm probably not sorry...

I was about to open with an apology when I realized I have no one to apologize to. Recently when worried I might have offended someone though having no idea what it might have been that was offensive, I came to the conclusion that I simply do not have time to be sorry for crap people won't confront me about.

1. I cannot read your mind.
2. How can I be sorry for something I am unaware of?
3. If it's merely your perception of something I've done... I might be sorry for all the wrong reasons!
4. You might even have an opinion on something I've done and it upsets you. I might think you're stupid, in which case, I am also not sorry. Unless I'm only sorry you're stupid.

Most people don't like confrontation. I get it. I wish we could all just get along too. Unfortunately we can't always be happy with each other. You have some choices to make. You can either sweep your gripe under the rug and pretend nothing is wrong, you can go away and never speak to me again, or you can tell me what's wrong and we can go from there.

Now this is not meant to be directed at any one person. This is pretty much a shout out to all people everywhere. I've made apologies for so many things over the years that I'm fairly certain had absolutely nothing to do with me. I never wanted anyone to be hurt. It never fixed anything.
My Zimbio
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