Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Uh

I sat down to write a sad song. Unfortunately, I am more bored than sad. I am actually more tired than bored. I've been trying to think of a new project. I need something that will hold my attention. Obviously, I am even bored with my own bull sh*t. There has to be something worthwhile to write about. Romance... bah. No one wants to read about sadness. More to follow when I figure out what the more is.

Short post about nothing

I sit down to write with 10,000 things running through my head. As is often the case there is not a lot of obvious connection between any of them, just brief tangential sparks. Is this adult ADD?  At any rate, I've gotten to the point where on the average day it keeps me from slitting my wrists in boredom. There's always a nice flow of things I'd like to say, wish I'd said, am about to say, or that just flew out of my mouth. For those of you I interact with on a regular basis... I would apologize, but why bother.

It's been a great day. The sun came out. The air was chilled. The kids were perfect. The house is clean. No one has called that I had to ignore for fear of reaching through the phone to choke them. Glorious day.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Bitching

The more I think about things, the less I really care today. I'm not going to lie to myself and pretend I won't care tomorrow, or maybe next week, even next month. I can only imagine good things are on the horizon. There is no way life can throw you this much BS without there being some karmic toilet paper around the corner to wipe things clean, right?

Today I was informed there is a water leak in the main pipe leading to my house. There is another $1200 bill we couldn't afford, piled on top of the $16K/yr pay cut. I am thankful for the good things in my life. I have relatively healthy children, a job, and a roof over our heads. Some days though it just gets harder to keep your chin up and the positive thoughts flowing. I know so many people have it worse and I feel horrible for making such a big deal out of something trivial. Sometimes realizing you're being a cry baby when others suffer more makes you think even less of yourself.

It might be time to sell some furniture.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

What's wrong with m... oh look something shiny!

Work... Well work is what it is. I used to hate when people would say that to me. "It is what it is" Lately I have found that sometimes it's all there is to say. Nothing has changed. Nothing will change. It is not extraordinary in any way shape or form. It just is. That being said... It is what it is.

In my desperate attempt to figure out why I've chosen the wrong men, why I am the way I am, and above all else what the hell I can do to fix it, I got sidetracked. This is not a rarity. It is almost as common as changing shoes. Anyway, I sort of had a bit of an epiphany. I've waited this long to figure out what's wrong with me, so why not just focus on something I do have a snowball's chance in hell of understanding: My bank account.

I had a meeting last week with a former colleague and business owner to toss around a few ideas. I will not pretend that the ideas we came up with are the sort of businesses that really will make a significant impact on someone's life (except perhaps those directly associated if it's successful). No, as usual it came down to what's bankable. All in all it wasn't terrible. The wine was good as was the company.
So although it's not the soul fulfilling sort of thing I wish I could do, perhaps it will end up being something I can do that won't make me want to nap or shoot myself during the workday. Time will tell.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

What in the hell was this about?

Here's one of those texts I look back on and wonder... "what in the hell was this about?" Why me? Am I in a relationship and someone failed to let me know? Have I become that woman that he would go to when he has questions about his relationships with other women? I know I am "that woman" for a few of my guy friends. If this text had underlying meaning, and he was trying to say something, but couldn't just come right out with it then I'd have to be both happy and sad.
_____________________

Him: Do you think real love exists? Soul mates? The kind that doesn't fade? That overcomes? Not the it's easy so let's stay together kind?

Me: I believe an affinity exists between some people more than with others that coupled with the other necessary relationship factors makes staying together easy.
Me: Love does exist.
Me: Passion has to be fed or it fades. I don't think having a soul mate makes it easy. It's supposed to be at least a little hard or you wouldn't appreciate it.

Him: You make it sound like a deal or a contract. I think it's supposed to be hard. You have to earn it. Maybe there's always a connection but it should be hard. No?

Me: See my other texts.

Him: Yeah. But the first thought is usually more accurate.

Me: They are answers to three questions. I have told you before it isn't supposed to be easy or do you not remember we've had this conversation before?
Me: And if you read my first response carefully... you will see it says coupled with other things relationships require.

Him: I do. And I also remember you amending your answers the same way. There's nothing bad here. I'm just wondering aloud.

Me: They aren't amended answers. It's a question that has many aspects. Love is a very broad field and what may be inherent in one aspect often needs to be nurtured in another aspect.
Me: But then again... I have never gotten it right before and I have been married so what do I know? Nothing except that if I love someone, they never have to wonder.

Him: I know. But what if true love happens DESPITE not having all the relationship stuff. Ok. Ever see Serendipity? Cute Movie. I like all John Cusack movies :)
Him: But the hard part for me in that movie is in the end they are both with great people who really love them but have to leave them because
Him: of the memory of someone else.

Me: Yes, I've seen it. I like him too. If I were either of the main characters I would probably do the same, but it would suck to be the one left. But that's life right? Some days you're the Louisville Slugger. Sometimes you're the ball. I wouldn't want to be with someone who would always regret it.

Him: I get your point. I guess I have a hard time hurting people who don't deserve it.

Me: Same here but I have been hurt before and each time I was eventually thankful for the honesty.

Him: I get the logic of that. But as hard as I am I'd much rather suffer in silence than hurt someone who cared for me.

Me: Any woman worth having wouldn't want a man whose heart belonged to someone else. I guess for me I would just rather know.

Him: Makes sense. :)

Me: And always be unfufilled? Yeah silence and half hearted attempts to be part of the relationship are SO appealing to that someone who cares for you. Not much respect for that person really. You don't want to hurt them so you go on letting them believe it's ok when maybe there is someone out there who would love them like they deserve... hmmm

Me: Apologies for the rant. You should know better than to ask me love and feeling questions. I blame you.

Him: I said I GET IT! I understand it logically. But I don't know if I could is all I'm saying sheesh

Me: Our texts are overlapping.
_______________________________

So from that I could go in a couple directions. He's into someone and just wanted to throw that out there for female advice or he's wondering what my thoughts are because he is into me.  There's always the possibility that I am way off base here, but the first answer (to quote him) is usually the most accurate. Once in awhile a light switch gets flipped and it seems like things are finally illuminated. You can see things clearly for the first time in a long time and you know that even if you shut the light off... you can't really ever be in the dark again. Regardless of the answer, I turned on a light.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Monday- The day that joy forgot

Monday again... My standard game plan for Monday is to sit at my desk and then contemplate all of the different things I should or could be doing with my time that would be more enjoyable. Last week my daughter and I were talking about motivation and goals. I mentioned to her that if she finds her passion she should do whatever it takes to make that a part of her career. She said, "I just feel like there's something out there I could be doing that would make me happy, I would be good at it, and it would make me money. I just don't know what that is."

When she said that I blurted out, "I KNOW! ME TOO!" How sad I thought, that I am going to be 37 and she is 17 and we're in the same place. Today I think I could be a rock star, a cocktail waitress, an associate at a fitness center, working in a non-profit... I want to make a difference.

One of my best friends just took a major pay cut to work with handicapped adults in a care facility. She gets the occasional outburst from a resident or two. She's got some bruises to show for it. The thing is... she's finally happy. She says her days fly by and she enjoys the work. Now of course this is never what she intended to do with her life. Her degree is in hospitality and prior to this she had worked mostly in customer service or sales support roles. Before I ramble on too long about it my point is as follows: It's possible!

So what do I enjoy?
1. Making people smile
2. Flirting
3. Photography
4. Shopping
5. Travel
6. Naughty things I don't do because I am partnerless

I think I just identified part of the problem. The things I enjoy are enjoyed by nearly everyone on the planet. Way to narrow it down Ang... nice work. Ok back to staring into space. Ciao!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I'm not looking for the end... I'm looking for the answer

I got a call last night from a very dear friend of many years. When I say friend of many years, I mean that. I've know this woman from the time she was 5 and I was 7, nearly 30 years now! I know her family. I know her extended family. I know how she got to the place she's in. I know her heart breaks. I was there when her kids were born, and though we've moved away from each other... we are so close we share a family phone plan. I couldn't help but hurt for her.

I listened as she said many of the things I myself was feeling. "I don't know. I just don't know. I am unhappy with myself. I am unhappy in my marriage. This is not the career I wanted. I just want out."  Those things all sounded too familiar. It wasn't until she said, "If it weren't for my kids I'd have killed myself by now." Immediately my ears perked up. How do you talk about killing yourself like it's common place? We were just having a normal mom talk about the dissatisfaction of life and you throw out suicide? 

She told me she realized a couple of years ago that she had been trying to make herself feel better, more important, more loved, more worthy of love... by spending. Now as she sits beneath a mountain of debts, having closed herself off from her family (the reason for the low self esteem in the first place), she feels like life is pointless. She's worried she will spend her life suffering the consequences of that period of spending, and will continue to live a life she feels is a lie, being depressed and on the verge of a fatal decision because there is no way out. She said, "I just want it to be over." I asked if she meant her job, school, or marriage. She responded, "Life."

Immediately I said, "That's not true. You're not looking for the end. You're looking for the answer. We're all looking for the answer. The end isn't the answer because it just takes your hurt and suffering and gives it to your kids. It's a vicious circle. You don't want them to be where you are when they get to be your age right? So you're looking for a way through this. You know death isn't it or you wouldn't still be looking. It seems quicker. It seems easier. It doesn't make it right."

I don't think there is ever really one path to follow. I just tried to remind her that in the end our mistakes are really the only things we can call our own. We need to embrace them for who we are because of them and in spite of them. I told her to stop looking at the debts as her punishment, but instead to view it as a gift to her children; a lesson they can learn through her.

So what the hell does this have to do with me? Good question... I guess I am just looking for the answer too.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Who am I again?

I wake up every day knowing a few things.
1. This is my bed
2. I have two kids
3. Someone has to go to work and that person is me

Unfortunately these days that's about as good as it gets. I mentioned this to a good friend last week and his response was, "Bullshit. You're you. We love you." Flattering? Sure, but also a little disconcerting. Poor decision making on their part?

I really just don't have the slightest clue what I am doing these days. I don't know what I want from life. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up (I hope it's not supposed to happen this year or I am screwed). So in hopes of figuring out what I do want I'm going to make a list of "don't wants". That right there should prove to eliminate half of the world's possibilities (simple Angie math states if it's not this it's that...).

Don't Want
1. Sales jobs- I am tired of trying to convince people of things that even I don't believe in.
2. Any job that requires a headset- Over it. This is the last time.
3. Snowy winters- I want to tie a snow shovel to the back of my car and drive until someone asks me what it is. At that point I will know I've gone far enough away.
4. Clingy men- I've been taking care of kids for 17 + years now and I expect my mate to be emotionally secure enough to make me an addition to their life rather than a substitute for.
5. Excuses- People should start putting the blame for things squarely where they belong. I am tired of making excuses for my own situation.  For those things I don't have solutions for I still need to be able to categorize them and accept them for what they are.  Sure bad things happen to all of us, but at some point you need to realize that your reaction will determine where you go from that point. No, you're not screwed up because someone hurt you. You're screwed up because you actually realize that something is wrong yet do nothing to fix yourself. Stop being a victim. No one likes a victim except the scavengers of the world.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Welcome

If you don't continue to learn and grow you die... but if you continue to make the same mistakes you will stay on the same path. That path makes a giant circle right back to where you started. So as I approach my 37th (holy **** thirty-what?) birthday I am putting things on hold. No more looking at the same scenery and pretending this time it looks different, therefore I must be somewhere new.

If I had a classifed ad it would read something like:
36 y/o, single mom of two, seeks answers.

I considered posting it somewhere, but Craigslist seems too risky and the local newspaper would yield me nearly as many weirdos as it would smart ass answers. Now the task falls to me. At this point is it easier to work backward from 36 or start at early childhood and move forward? Neither answer seems quite like something I would do... you know... logical. So instead I'm going to go the uncategorized, unorganized, unorthodox mode and just throw things out there whenever the hell I feel like it.
My Zimbio
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