Monday, August 4, 2014


Today I was discussing IQ tests with my daughter and her fiance. A friend posted a link to one of those online IQ tests, and as I had forgotten my lunch I spent 30 minutes taking 3 different tests. I managed to get 2 scores of 140 and 1 score of 143. I have come to the conclusion that, although I always have a relatively high score, the thing preventing me from achieving unmeasurable levels of genius is my inability to spot patterns. This has proven to be true in all facets of my life. 

During an earlier conversation we were discussing pistachios. When I mentioned that I don't care for them Zach said, "What about walnuts?"

I stated, "Not really a fan of those either. I really only like peanuts."

He replied, "Those aren't actually nuts. They are legumes. What about almonds?"

"No, I'll only eat them if they are in brownies or covered in chocolate." I said.

He quickly responded, "That's why you're single."

See... he gets patterns. 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

You Are The One For You : The Melationship

Have you ever watched a baby when they are playing in front of a mirror? The first few moments are usually filled with bewilderment. They have realized there is someone just like them out there. They haven't realized completely what the mirror is or does, but they have never seen themselves before. To know that the things they are doing and the toys they are playing with are so similar seems to transform them. Suddenly they have a friend who likes all the things that they like! That friend wants to shake the red rattle just like they do! "Oh my God! I have that same shirt! Twinsies!" Add a sloppy, wet, cold mirror kiss and it's kismet!

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Somewhere along the line we seem to forget that first interaction with the one person who is so completely "us". We begin to worry if other people like the person we see in the mirror. We wonder if maybe we're the only ones who enjoy blocks or the doll with the really yucky hair that's been knotted with saliva and wound around our fingers as we slept. Things get weird. Pretty soon that friend in the mirror is someone we don't want to know anymore.

After reading what feels like a billion articles about finding love and seeing countless "love yourself" suggestions, I've decided to write the top ten reasons I am probably the right one for me. Obviously, I got sidetracked by something and only came up with five. Five is a lot actually, and I'm not trying to make anyone all jealous of my new mefriend and our melationship. So here it is...

1. I always remember my birthday/anniversary.
I don't need a reminder from Facebook. On my birthday (and the anniversary of becoming my own go-to date) I get myself a great dinner, a present, and I spoil the hell out of myself. If I had someone to give that back to I'd give the same. Until then I have my eye on a trip out of the country for every birthday/anniversary Myself and I have.

2. I work on it. 
I'll be honest here; I disagree with myself from time to time. No relationship is perfect, but when it happens I sit down, give consideration to both sides, and try to make a logical and non-emotional decision. In the aftermath I do my best to work on the issue so I don't have the same problem in the future. I don't lord it over my own head. I work it out.

3. I buy myself flowers.
Sure, they are on sale, but flowers are flowers. I don't even need a damned reason! I will pick myself up a $5 bouquet to brighten my surroundings and smile all night. Easily pleased. That should be its own number, but whatever.

4. I find my contradictions interesting rather than annoying.
There are times when I contradict myself with my religious, emotional, or political leanings. I can't be pinned down. I believe in being a good person. Strict adherence doesn't give me the feeling that I'm being the best person I can be. I don't get irritated by the contradiction. I educate myself. I embrace it.

5. I'm always discovering new passions, and that doesn't bother me.
I love that I get absorbed by things. It doesn't last forever, but it gives me a sense of knowledge, fulfillment, and satisfaction that when I am passionate about something I go all in. I might see a documentary (and I see everything Netflix has to offer), and suddenly decide I need to learn more about X or Y. It doesn't bother me that Celtic studies get pushed to the side for a bit. I will come back to it. Passion for learning is on my check list for a partner. I've checked my own box.

The experts might be onto something here. Maybe you need to make that person in the mirror your best friend again; Remember how it felt to accept yourself for who you are. You didn't think the person in the mirror was weird. You didn't think they were ugly. You were enthralled by the things you loved and you didn't care who else loved them because the person in the mirror did too.

If the experts are right about learning to love yourself again, perhaps they are right about knowing who you are before you attempt to persuade someone else to love you for who you are too. Before you attempt to sell someone on who you are, maybe you should be clear on the bill of goods you're trying to sell them. If you can't be honest with yourself about who you are and what you really like, want, or need you can't ever complain about what they give you.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

All in a Day's Conversation

We sat across the ocean from each other, sliding our fingers over nearly identical screens. There we shared the ridiculously random details of our lives as we had done for months. Whether it was a tidbit overheard at work, mind numbing plans for the evening, or what food we'd just shoved in our mouths it was transmitted in real time. Occasionally something would come up that had substance, which in truth was the purpose of the continuous exchange of information. One topic leads to another which reminds us of this, because it had to do with that, and one of us really needed to talk about that anyway.

"You're sweet and all around great, so deal with it." I said as I laughed off a comment he'd made about himself.

"People think that til they get to know me and then they get bored." he said in an attempt to deflect any sort of compliment.

"People who get bored weren't looking for content. They were looking for sparkle. Don't feel bad. It happens to me all the time. I'm witty and engaging when I'm 'on', but that only lasts for two dates. After that guys start to look for a new shiny object." I said, throwing in an lol for good measure.

"Is that when you give them the 'no take-out' warning?" he asked, referring to an earlier statement about it not mattering where a person gets their appetite as long as they eat at home.

"I would never actually give that warning unless I was in a relationship. I assume all men stray." I said, with what sounded far more like resignation than cynicism.

Before long the conversation turned a corner, and we put aside the serious to return to the safety of take out food and light-hearted banter. It lingered though, that serious moment, as it always did. Perhaps that was what we needed, as safe place to say what was on our minds with no threat of repercussion to our real lives. At the end of the day we would each tuck away a perspective we hadn't entertained before, an affirmation of our personal opinion, or a brief glimpse into what made the other person what they were.

He walked away from the conversation understanding that chicks are crazy. I took away a few things. I was resigned to the fact that I may never have enough sparkle. The fact that I had left cynicism and arrived at resignation made me both happy and sad. Lastly, I was really hungry for sweet chili chicken. And french fries, which is ridiculous. Why in the hell do they serve chips with everything? Seriously. It's like an epidemic. I wonder if I have any malt vinegar at home.

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