Thursday, March 12, 2015

The Season of Poor Relationship Choices

I've been gone. Life was happening. Honestly, I got HBO Go, and I couldn't be bothered to do anything except binge watch Game of Thrones over and over until I think I've already figured out who will win. Then there was work. Let's not talk about it. Some things have been incredible since we last talked. Some things have made me question everything about my life, my choices, and my ability to trust my gut ever again. Such is life with SAD. 

There was a plan to tie explaining my absence to what I came here to write about, but now that I'm here doing it I've completely forgotten what it was going to be. From now on I'll just be yelling the word segue when I want to talk about something else. Deal? Cool. 

SEGUE! That's pretty slick I have to say. Let's move on. 

Spring is here (almost). I sprung forward, and my afternoons are brighter. This is the time of year that, like most people coming out of the SAD fog... that's what the tie in was.. I feel like all things are possible. My mood, health, and attitude all improve and I feel pretty damned good about the future. 

This morning I was hanging out at home waiting for the antihistamines to kick in and clear up my drippy nose, swollen eyes, and scratchy throat. It was a great reminder that the seasons have definitely changed. I was also reminded that this is the time of year that I do the most ridiculous of things. I fall in love. 

When talking with a friend I mentioned that I've recently been contacted by a couple former flames. It seems that spring for them is a time to look back and say, "I could go find someone new or I could check to see if so and so is married off yet. Is there a chance we could make some really poor decisions together. Christmas is done and Valentine's Day has passed. It's safe." 

"Maybe they think I'm fragile?" I asked.

"Fragile is not a word I would associate with you." he replied. 

I laughed. "You've never seen me broken-hearted." 

"And hopefully never will." he said. 

Then I explained reality. "It will happen. The calendar shows spring is near. I'll fall in love and it won't work. By autumn I'll be all messed up. No one will notice. I'll just be more cynical. I'll laugh more and be very sarcastic."

"Like this though... HAHAHAHA?" he asked. 

"Yes! And I'll drink more wine and cry myself to sleep, but you won't see it." I added. 

I used to choose a new man to fall in love with when my heart was ready. I'd choose someone completely different from the last one and feel pretty confident that it would all work out. After a failed marriage and a couple of failed almost marriages I gave up on that idea. Apparently my idea of completely different is everyone else's exactly the same. It's been a long time since I've fallen in love. This time I have decided to just fall back in love with someone I've fallen in love with before. It's like banging my head against a brick wall, but the first few months of blows to the head feel so good! 

Someecards

Looking back on it, I wonder if my SAD sets the schedule for my romantic notions or if my romantic notions set the schedule for my SAD. Maybe this year I should avoid love completely and see how October looks without regret, anger, sadness, and pain. Huh. Well hell. I'll get back to you on that. 






Monday, August 4, 2014

Nuts!

Today I was discussing IQ tests with my daughter and her fiance. A friend posted a link to one of those online IQ tests, and as I had forgotten my lunch I spent 30 minutes taking 3 different tests. I managed to get 2 scores of 140 and 1 score of 143. I have come to the conclusion that, although I always have a relatively high score, the thing preventing me from achieving unmeasurable levels of genius is my inability to spot patterns. This has proven to be true in all facets of my life. 

During an earlier conversation we were discussing pistachios. When I mentioned that I don't care for them Zach said, "What about walnuts?"

I stated, "Not really a fan of those either. I really only like peanuts."

He replied, "Those aren't actually nuts. They are legumes. What about almonds?"

"No, I'll only eat them if they are in brownies or covered in chocolate." I said.

He quickly responded, "That's why you're single."

See... he gets patterns. 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

You Are The One For You : The Melationship

Have you ever watched a baby when they are playing in front of a mirror? The first few moments are usually filled with bewilderment. They have realized there is someone just like them out there. They haven't realized completely what the mirror is or does, but they have never seen themselves before. To know that the things they are doing and the toys they are playing with are so similar seems to transform them. Suddenly they have a friend who likes all the things that they like! That friend wants to shake the red rattle just like they do! "Oh my God! I have that same shirt! Twinsies!" Add a sloppy, wet, cold mirror kiss and it's kismet!

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Somewhere along the line we seem to forget that first interaction with the one person who is so completely "us". We begin to worry if other people like the person we see in the mirror. We wonder if maybe we're the only ones who enjoy blocks or the doll with the really yucky hair that's been knotted with saliva and wound around our fingers as we slept. Things get weird. Pretty soon that friend in the mirror is someone we don't want to know anymore.

After reading what feels like a billion articles about finding love and seeing countless "love yourself" suggestions, I've decided to write the top ten reasons I am probably the right one for me. Obviously, I got sidetracked by something and only came up with five. Five is a lot actually, and I'm not trying to make anyone all jealous of my new mefriend and our melationship. So here it is...


1. I always remember my birthday/anniversary.
I don't need a reminder from Facebook. On my birthday (and the anniversary of becoming my own go-to date) I get myself a great dinner, a present, and I spoil the hell out of myself. If I had someone to give that back to I'd give the same. Until then I have my eye on a trip out of the country for every birthday/anniversary Myself and I have.

2. I work on it. 
I'll be honest here; I disagree with myself from time to time. No relationship is perfect, but when it happens I sit down, give consideration to both sides, and try to make a logical and non-emotional decision. In the aftermath I do my best to work on the issue so I don't have the same problem in the future. I don't lord it over my own head. I work it out.

3. I buy myself flowers.
Sure, they are on sale, but flowers are flowers. I don't even need a damned reason! I will pick myself up a $5 bouquet to brighten my surroundings and smile all night. Easily pleased. That should be its own number, but whatever.

4. I find my contradictions interesting rather than annoying.
There are times when I contradict myself with my religious, emotional, or political leanings. I can't be pinned down. I believe in being a good person. Strict adherence doesn't give me the feeling that I'm being the best person I can be. I don't get irritated by the contradiction. I educate myself. I embrace it.

5. I'm always discovering new passions, and that doesn't bother me.
I love that I get absorbed by things. It doesn't last forever, but it gives me a sense of knowledge, fulfillment, and satisfaction that when I am passionate about something I go all in. I might see a documentary (and I see everything Netflix has to offer), and suddenly decide I need to learn more about X or Y. It doesn't bother me that Celtic studies get pushed to the side for a bit. I will come back to it. Passion for learning is on my check list for a partner. I've checked my own box.


The experts might be onto something here. Maybe you need to make that person in the mirror your best friend again; Remember how it felt to accept yourself for who you are. You didn't think the person in the mirror was weird. You didn't think they were ugly. You were enthralled by the things you loved and you didn't care who else loved them because the person in the mirror did too.

If the experts are right about learning to love yourself again, perhaps they are right about knowing who you are before you attempt to persuade someone else to love you for who you are too. Before you attempt to sell someone on who you are, maybe you should be clear on the bill of goods you're trying to sell them. If you can't be honest with yourself about who you are and what you really like, want, or need you can't ever complain about what they give you.


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